by Elder Peter Lim

As far back as I can remember, I’ve never been a needy person. That is, I never really felt like I needed other people to live a happy life. This was especially true when I first learned computer programming in 8th grade and felt like I would never run out of projects to work on. As I started to grow more spiritually mature, I wanted to read many books, particularly theological books. But I felt like I never had enough time for all of them. I started working with wood and started to acquire tools for my workshop. Again, I never run out of ideas for projects to work on. Sometimes I miss my shop because of my busyness so I just open it up, take a deep breath of the smell of wood and close it back up because I have other priorities. Ever since I was in the Boy Scouts, I love to go fishing. But alas, I don’t have much time for this. I have so many hobbies and no time to do them. How could I ever be lonely? To cap it off, I want to spend all my time with my wife and kids so how could I ever feel lonely? I found that through discussions with others and somewhat by my own experience, that people feel lonely in various common situations.

Soon After Graduation from High School

Whether someone had a dynamic social life during HS or an awkward adolescence, many people are looking for a new social life as college begins. Some even look forward to going out of town for college in search of creating a new life for themselves. They try out new groups and experiences to find satisfaction and community. For many who grew up in the church, they go searching for Christian groups to see whether their faith can withstand what they perceive to be logical arguments from other world views. It is helpful when they find a church where they are fed from the solid food of God’s Word. When this happens along with a community of strong believers, it’s the best of both worlds. But for those who don’t find both, it can become a very lonely place. It can seem like everyone else is enjoying a renewed vigor in their faith but that God has abandoned them. It’s easy to become bitter, resentful, and lonely.

Soon After Graduation from College

There’s only been one time in my whole life that I can remember feeling lonely. It happened a few months after graduating from college and I had moved back home with my parents. It was nearing Christmas time and there was a Christmas Concert at Grace Community Church that I was interested in going to. I didn’t feel like going alone so I started going through a mental list of people that I could ask to go with. It turned out that they were busy, didn’t want to go, or not in town. It hit me all of a sudden that I didn’t have any friends who were available to go with me. It was the only time in my life that I ever shed tears over the feeling of loneliness. People who get lonely soon after graduation are oftentimes those who had a busy social life during college. They had taken advantage of the many occasions to enjoy the convenience of college life, enjoying YOLO moments and spending many hours just hanging out. When removed from this environment, they find that life isn’t as fun and even start questioning whether those relationships were even real. They realize what older people meant whenever they talked about college life not being the real world.

Lonely in a Crowd

It would seem improbable that anyone could feel lonely in an environment where there are many others who are enjoying Christian fellowship, but it’s possible to feel lonely in the midst of a crowd. This often happens when it feels like everyone else is enjoying a closeness that is not available to oneself. They may have thoughts such as ” Would it make any difference in anyone’s life if I were to cease to exist?” These feelings can occur whether others are experiencing a genuine fellowship or even a shallow one. For the moment, even a shallow relationship is desired but doesn’t seem available. Cynical feelings of shallowness in all relationships can jade one’s attitude. Even married people can feel lonely when their spouse is busy with work or things other than oneself, even when those other things are admittedly good and profitable things to do.

Celibate for Life

Perhaps nothing causes as much loneliness as the feeling that this loneliness will continue to be a reality for the rest of their life. When strong desires to get married go unfulfilled and there’s not even a prospect of a future with a special someone, it’s difficult to be content. It’s nearly impossible to imagine a future where loneliness will be bearable.

The Mature Response

It is not a sign of a mature Christian who is struggling with feelings of loneliness to simply stop feeling lonely, as if that is possible. This kind of advice is never helpful. The best examples from the Bible are when those who struggle with these feelings discipline their minds and hearts to be satisfied with God alone. When they hear God’s Word and switch their perspective to see Gods perspective, that’s when they are able to give praise to God and take their eyes off of their own feelings of loneliness. They focus on the character of God, that He makes a home for the lonely. (Ps. 68:6) David often felt alone during his distresses. (Ps. 25:16, 102:7) Job felt alone when the words of advice coming from his “friends” and even his wife were unhelpful. (Job 2:9, 19:14, ) But when they heard from God, they were instantly convicted and were able to focus on God. Their situations didn’t change right away but they were able to trust in God for their satisfaction and for their future. The mature but lonely Christian will shift his focus toward God and His character rather than his own situation.

A good church will also help minister to lonely people by providing opportunities and exhorting people to reach out to those who may be struggling with various issues, including loneliness. A mature Christian understands that in the church, the Body of Christ, every member is essential to the well being of the whole. Someone who has not been seen in a while should be pursued but the lonely, mature Christian won’t wait for that to happen. He will reach out and join small groups where people will keep each other accountable. If others are not helpful, they are not to blame. The mature Christian will understand that others have their weaknesses too so he will continue to reach out and not give up. A practical suggestion to those who are lonely is to focus on serving others who are also feeling lonely. Perhaps you can be a blessing in someone else’s life. So there is a responsibility of the members of the church to look for opportunities to serve those who are suffering in loneliness and there is responsibility on the part of the lonely but mature Christian to seek help. We are all in this together. We don’t need to hide behind a facade that everything is wonderful for a Christian but that we continue to strive to move forward because we trust in God and His goodness even during difficult circumstances. (Prov. 3:5-6) The more we focus on Him, our loneliness will turn into not being lonely.