by Marina Hayes

Have you ever been in a  conflict situation where just overlooking an offense is not enough or where a situation calls for restoration? Did you find yourself asking the question, “How can I lovingly serve others by helping them to take responsibility?”

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” (Gal 6:1)

The key verb in this verse is “restore”. The definition is to repair or make amends with something; it carries the idea of setting a broken bone, or repairing a dislocated limb. The world doesn’t practice restoration; they tend to confront people, get it off their chest to feel better, and leave it at that. But our concern is not to feel good about ourselves, or say our piece. Our goal is to bring that person back to Christ, and to restore this relationship is to make that person whole again. The heart issue of every conflict is sin and prolonged conflicts always boil down to sin.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.” (James 4 :1-2)

Whether it is pride, self-centeredness or malice, God calls us to help other believers see their sin. When we think of restoring a broken bone, it is not enough for a doctor to just diagnose it and omit offering any healing or solution to it. That is akin to confrontation without the restoration process.

Process of gently restoring is outlined in Scripture:

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” (Matt 18:15-20)

First, the conflict reconciliation process should start with just two people. Conflict is initially addressed at the most fundamental level and involves as few people as possible. Where there is a sin issue that is too important to be overlooked we ought to talk to that person in humility and gentleness.

If they are not willing to reconcile, the Bible gives us step two: to take one or two more people with us. This is not a brand new idea to the New Testament; Deut. 18:15 speaks of settling an offense with witnesses. We involve other people to ensure that the process is Biblical, there is no partiality, and wisdom is being poured out in that situation. This is not for the purpose of ganging up on that person. The type of people that we should consider bringing to this situation are mutual friends, church leaders, godly and respected individuals, people that the conflicting parties both trust and respect. However, we often never get to this step. The main reason that prevents us is the fear of involving other people. There should be no shame of going to somebody for the purpose of resolving a conflict. On the contrary, it shows that we care for that person and that we are serious about being obedient to God’s word and being a peacemaker. The church leaders are not so worried about the problems that they do know of; they are more worried about those that they don’t know of.

If the situation is still not resolved and the person is not willing to reconcile and repent, then we move to the next step. We bring this issue to the church. When we find ourselves in this situation we understand that this is not a form of punishment. We are not tattling on the person, or trying to shame or ridicule them. We are pursuing restoration. Members can appeal to the person and pray for that person. The church is a family. When somebody in the family is in conflict and not speaking with one another, it affects the entire family. The sin between two believers can affect us all. And when one of our family members is in sin, we talk to them, plead with them and pray for them. It is not different with the church family. Bringing the issue to the entire church may seem harsh and embarrassing, but in reality nothing could be more loving.

The church has authority of restoring believers. The church has authority to settle material conflicts as well.

“If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers! The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters.” (1 Cor 6:1-8)

Since the root of all conflicts is sin, conflicts are a spiritual problem. Rather than court, we should try to settle our conflict within the church.

If that fails, the final step is treating the unrepentant person as an unbeliever. This is not saying that this person is in fact an unbeliever or became an unbeliever. Only God knows the heart. But we are to treat that person as an unbeliever. This is still part of the restoration process. It is done out of love and a desire to see that person restored. Through the church discipline we can help them realize the seriousness of their sin. It serves as a reminder to share the gospel with them. If they are not believers, then they have a chance to hear the gospel again. As harsh as it sounds, this act is still part of gentle restoration. It is not to punish the person, or get rid of him, but a hope that they eventually will come to their senses.

Next time we are in a conflict situation, let’s remember that God takes conflicts seriously. He gives us very specific instruction on how He wants us to deal with conflict. These are not just some unattainable, theoretical ideas. This is His will for every believer.