Biblical Friendship #5: From Mars and Venus?

by Josh Liu

Introduction

What if you saw a guy and a gal talking in the hallway at church? Would your initial thought be that someone must be romantically interested in the other or considering pursuing the other, otherwise they would not be interacting at all? Friendship (or lack thereof) between men and women has been a popular topic of discussion, with a range of opinions. Can men and women be friends? Would it be bad, inappropriate, or unbiblical for men and women to talk (even deeply or vulnerably) to one another? Spend time together? Serve together or serve each other? Share with each other? Give each other gifts?

Preferences and opinions range far and wide concerning this topic. This has been an area of great confusion for many believers. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be adequate biblical resources addressing the topic. This article serves as a primer for a study in biblical friendship. I will be addressing Christian friendship between men and women. If you do not have a relationship with God through submission to and faith in Christ as Lord and Savior, then that is the first relationship you must make right. Now, what does Scripture have to say concerning friendships between men and women?

Let us remember the tentative definition I am using while addressing friendship: A biblical friendship is a relationship that gives opportunity to live as a witness of and for God’s glory. (Please read the previous article–“Radical Friendship”–in this series before reading this article.)

Now, let us examine the heart to address these situations and actions, for God is concerned with the heart (cf. Jer. 17:10; Matt. 5:28).

Inappropriate Friending

Friendship between men and women has been a topic of controversy for various reasons. One major source for contention is that sin has ultimately corrupted relationships. It has corrupted a right relationship with God, and a right relationship with one another. Yet as God reconciles the relationship between Him and His redeemed, He also restores and renews relationships among His children.

While there is true restoration of relationship between His elect, sin still affects it. Remember James 4:1 – “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” Relationships have been distorted to serve the sinful flesh (e.g. defrauding one another, opposing one another). These sins, left unrepented of, develop inappropriate friending. For example, a guy harboring sins of sensuality may desire to develop friendship with ladies to feed that lust. Or, a gal may develop a friendship with a guy to gain attention and feel loved or attractive. One reaction to these sins, as well as natural differences between men and women, has been to completely exclude the other gender. Is that the appropriate or biblical response?

First, I will argue that Scripture supposes and illustrates real, genuine friendships between men and women. Second, I will provide practices as to how to develop Christ-honoring relationships with the opposite gender.

Five Reasons Why Men and Women Need to Be Friends

1. God Created Men and Women in His Image (cf. Gen. 1:26-27; 2:7)

Being made in the image of God, mankind was created as relational beings. There are many views concerning the image of God. Still, there are some common foundations of the nature of the image of God in man from which implications on friendships can be drawn. (My purpose is not to comprehensively describe or expound on bearing the image of God.)

So, how does man being made in God’s image relate?

  • First, this does not mean that God is male and female; nor does it mean that man is God. God is God and wholly transcendent, unlike created man; He is Creator, and everything else is creation. To ascribe the genders to Him would be to unbiblically describe and compartmentalize God’s being. Conversely, to disregard or neglect one gender would be to distort who God is. As such, men and women equally bear the image of God.
  • Second, to be made in the image of God means that man reflects the likeness of God in any way God has determined, as revealed in Scripture. For example, God is Spirit and man is flesh and spirit (cf. Gen. 6:3; 1 Cor. 15:44-46; Matt. 10:28); God is sovereign, man exercises rule (cf. 1 Chron. 29:11-12; Ps. 2:1ff; Gen. 1:28); God is omniscient, man exercises knowledge (cf. Ps. 139:1-4; Gen. 3:22; Rom. 1:19); God is eternal, man now exists for the rest of time (cf. Ps. 90:2; Rev. 20:10; 22:5); God accomplishes His will and purpose, man carries out personal will (cf. Is. 46:10; 55:11; Eph. 1:4; Prov. 16:9; James 1:14; 4:1; Heb. 4:12b).

As it relates to relationships, God eternally exists in perfect relationship with Himself (cf. John 17:5); God declared to make man in Their own image, and He made them male and female (Gen. 1:26-27). Thus, man exists to be in relationship–with God and with creation.

  • First, man as God’s image bearers was created to be in relationship with Him. He was created to commune with God (cf. Gen. 4:26b; Ps. 15:1); he was created to obey and honor God (cf. Rom. 1:18ff); he was created to worship God (cf. John 4:23); and he was created to glorify God (cf. Is. 43:7; Matt. 5:16). Tragically, sin has destroyed this relationship (cf. Gen. 3:24; Rom. 5:12). Man became an enemy of God, opposed by God, and condemned to be rejected by God (cf. Matt. 7:21-23; 10:32-33; James 4:4, 6; Eph. 2:1-3). To reiterate previous posts in this series, if your relationship with God is not set right, then nothing else matters. Stop reading now; go to God in prayer asking for forgiveness of your sins, for a transformed heart that submits to and depends on Christ’s life, death, and resurrection, and for grace to be in right relationship with Him! To not live in a right relationship with God is to reject His design and purpose for your being; it is to reject bearing the image of God.
  • Second, man as God’s image bearers was created to be in relationship with creation. He was created to have dominion over all the earth and its creatures, to subdue it, and to multiply and fill it (cf. Gen. 1:28). He was also created to be in relationship with others. At the beginning of creation, man did not have a suitable helper among the animals; so, God made Adam a suitable helper, Eve (Gen. 2:18, 20-24). The understanding is that Adam did not have a compatible complement (in essence since no other creature was made in the image of God; in conscience, in communication, in procreation, in intimacy, in purpose, etc.). While marriage between man and woman is not the only social interaction between the genders, it is a significant aspect (cf. 1 Cor. 11:7-12). An example that goes beyond the marital relationship is the general effect of love for one another in displaying God’s glory (cf. John 13:35; Rom. 16:1).

This connection between bearing the image of God and relationships between persons (which excludes the possibility of complete gender segregation) can be observed throughout Scripture. The following arguments expand upon the foundation of the essence of man as a relational being.

2. Relationships Between Men and Women Are Included in the Body of Christ (cf. Rom. 12:4-5; 1 Cor. 12:12ff; Eph. 4:4ff)

Men and women need to be friends because every redeemed person, male or female, who belong to the body of Christ is being renewed to the likeness of Christ (cf. Rom. 8:29; 1 Cor. 15:49; 2 Cor. 3:18; Col. 3:10; 1 John 3:2). Scripture describes the body of Christ as a unified whole with diverse parts (functions), all ultimately converging toward the same end: Christ-likeness. To intentionally only love, forgive, serve, rejoice with, edify, pray for, encourage, submit to, admonish, rebuke, or associate with a specific gender (which is a misapplication of Scripture) would be to tear down the unity of the body of Christ. The body of Christ ultimately knows no divisions (cf. Gal. 3:28). To erect division in the body of Christ (e.g. gender exclusion) would be to declare a divided God (cf. Rom. 12:3ff; 1 Cor. 1:10-13; 12:12-27; Eph. 4:1-6). No one person has every gift or talent; God has uniquely gifted every individual and has ordained the importance of his or her function in the body of Christ. Ladies cannot assume only men will do all the serving, teaching, and discipling. Similarly, men cannot expect only women to be hospitable and care for children. Each person is called to be faithful to what God has provided, which includes the relationships He has placed in one’s life (cf. Matt. 24:45-51; 25:15ff). To exclude a gender is to show favoritism or partiality (cf. James 2:1). For example, one cannot presume that his or her own gender will provide the whole image of the body of Christ. Perhaps ask yourself, “How might brothers and sisters appropriately worship Christ together now as they will in heaven (cf. Matt. 22:30)?”

3. Men and Women are Given the Same Commands

Often, the relational commands of Scripture (e.g. you shall not murder; you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor; the “one another” commands) are given to men and women. Thus, a person cannot completely obey a command of Scripture by only carrying it out with certain individuals (i.e. praying with only one gender). Scripture’s command to love your neighbor or enemy is not gender specific (cf. Matt. 5:44; 22:39; Luke 10:29-37).

Also, inherent in God’s commands is the equality of men and women. The murder of any person is an abomination, for it is an offense to God’s image in man (cf. Gen. 9:6; James 3:9). Males are not elevated above females; a male life is not inherently more valuable than a female life. God has created them equally in His image with differing functions and roles.

4. Men and Women Experience Similar Trials and Temptations

Men and women need to be friends because of trials. Every person, male and female, experiences temptations, suffering, and trials due to the depravity of man, cursed creation, and God’s sovereignty. While everyone may experience trials and suffering to differing degrees and essence, the response is the same. While there are natural and significant differences between men and women, they share common experiences and are guided to the same responses. Also, men and women need to shoulder each other’s burdens (cf. Gal. 6:1-10). Believers have God’s Word to open all understanding on man, as well as Christ who perfectly sympathizes (cf. Heb. 4:12, 15). As a result, every person can be used as God’s instrument for comfort, healing, and encouragement for anyone (cf. Rom. 15:14; 2 Cor. 1:3-7).

5. Men and Women Have the Same Need – Christ and God’s Word

Men and women need to be friends because of the common need met in Christ and His Word. All (here emphasizing both men and women) have sinned (Rom. 3:23); all can believe and be saved (John 3:16-21); all are sanctified by God’s truth, His Word (John 17:17); and all require God’s Word to be complete and equipped (2 Tim. 3:16-17). As a result, witnessing, discipling, and counseling between the genders are ultimately the same: the goal of turning to Christ and loving Him above all else. For example, it would be inappropriate to presume that men exclusively need male involvement to grow in godliness.

Men and women need to live as witnesses of and for God’s glory with each other. Now we will briefly examine Scripture for how to have wise, appropriate, and God-honoring friendships with the opposite gender.

Six Practices Believers Need to Develop God-honoring Relationships with the Opposite Gender

1. View Each Other as Precious Siblings (cf. 1 Tim. 5:1-2)

Generally, I have observed three gender specific relationships in Scripture: (1) parent-child, (2) husband-wife, and (3) brother-sister. Men are called to encourage all sisters in complete purity (I believe the same can be argued for women to brothers). Ultimately, before a person becomes a spouse, he or she is a sibling only–view him or her as such. This does not mean treat the other person as you would your own blood sibling, since some are unkind and contemptuous toward their siblings (which require repentance). Rather, you treat them with respect, dignity, care, compassion, and humility. Unfortunately in today’s western culture, this idea of a precious family member is lost, and better observed with a person welcoming or being hospitable toward a guest or new comer. When you view the other person as a precious brother or sister in Christ, the goal of the friendship is clear–build him or her up toward Christ. It will dispel the confusion of selfish intentions. In other words, instead of constantly thinking about getting to know the opposite gender for the potential of a dating relationship, focus on getting to know the other person for the purpose of glorifying God, building him or her up toward Christ, and maintaining the unity of the body of Christ. Before he or she is a “potential” or “the one,” he or she is a sibling in Christ.

2. Live with Above Reproach Wisdom (cf. 1 Tim. 3:1)

I like the phrase and new ministry Ken Sande has developed: relational wisdom. God has provided instruction for how to live wisely with others, which will be developed in the following practices. Also, God has provided instruction for how to live wisely for His glory, as His representative before others. Are you interacting with the opposite gender in a manner befitting a servant of Christ? Live your life (and your friendships) in such a manner that would not taint Christ. Can someone bring a reasonable charge against you because of some clearly inappropriate conduct and interaction with the opposite gender? Are you known as a one-woman (or one-man) person? Better yet, are you known as a servant of God that lives as a witness for God in your relationships with the opposite gender? Or, are you known as one who is swayed by “potential” relationships, who prioritizes getting married in such a manner that neglects treating others as siblings in Christ with all purity? How are you representing Christ’s life, death, and resurrection in your relationships, and not how great of a potential spouse you can be?

3. Understand and Honor Other Relationships – Parents and Spouse

First, understand the role, authority, and influence of parents. Parents are called to shepherd and train their children while they are in their family (cf. Deut. 6:7ff; 11:19; Prov. 22:6; Eph. 6:1-4; Gen. 2:24). They provide protection, counsel, provision, and instruction. This is not to say that parents are never wrong or can do no wrong. Rather, how are you glorifying God by honoring the roles of parents God has ordained? Your friendship with the opposite gender should not be a source of obstacle or division between that person and his or her parents. Your friendship should not be inciting disobedience to parents. Perhaps a parent is not comfortable with the frequency or circumstances you are interacting with his or her child; or, a parent has prohibited your friend from getting a tattoo or going to a hangout. It would be inappropriate to intentionally or maliciously go against the desires of the parent, or encourage rebelling against the parent. How might you help your friend honor and incarnate Christ’s love and glory to his or her parent? (As an extension to dating relationships, what are you expecting to gain by pursuing a relationship opposed by parents? How will you actively glorify God and be faithful to His Word in such a circumstance? This is not to say that there are no situations to oppose parents, but this is not the biblical norm.)

Second, seek to honor and preserve the other person for his or her spouse. Do not defraud your brother or sister for the spouse that God may have ordained for them, which may not be you! Do not steal what would only belong to their future spouse. For example, husbands are called to live with their wives in an understanding manner (1 Pet. 3:7). You as a sibling in Christ should not seek to intimately understand the opposite gender. That sort of intimacy is reserved for his or her spouse. Similarly, you cannot appropriately seek in a friend of the opposite gender what is reserved from your spouse (i.e. physical intimacy).

When one seeks to honor these other gender-specific relationships, it will become clear how to appropriately friend the opposite gender.

4. Fulfill Biblical Men’s and Women’s Roles

Much literature has been written on biblical men’s and women’s roles. My purpose here is not to expound the roles God has ordained from Scripture. Rather, my goal is to briefly relate these biblical principles to the discussion of friendship between men and women. Faithfulness in one area of life may produce faithfulness in other areas of life. How are you seeking to fulfill or be faithful to the calling God has ordained for men and women respectively? For example, God has called men to leadership and headship (cf. 1 Tim. 3:1-7; 2 Tim. 2:2; Titus 2:2); God has called women to submissiveness and discipleship of other women (cf. 1 Tim. 2:9-15; Titus 2:3-5). This may help you prioritize the extent of what you can do in your friendships, particularly with the opposite gender.

5. Confront Personal Sins

Mortify the sins of your own heart. As mentioned at the beginning of this article, sin has distorted relationships. Sin has corrupted the notion that men and women can be friends for God’s glory. By the power of the Holy Spirit, God redeems and sanctifies these relationships. Still, the personal sins of one’s own heart often manifest in sin against others (cf. Mark 7:21-23; 2 Sam. 11). Seek to vehemently confront impure lust, lack of self-control, pride, and the idols of beauty, comfort, and attention. The personal pursuit of holiness will overflow into all other aspects of life.

6. Devote to “One-Anothering” Wisely

While there is discernment in how to appropriately develop a friendship with the opposite gender, it does not negate the necessity to carry out the one another commands with the opposite gender. Consider in your own conscience before God how you will seek to be faithful to His Word in this endeavor. As mentioned earlier, you cannot be exclusive to one gender in the fulfillment of these commands. Here is a brief list (the context of many of the following texts has in view both men and women):

  • Be devoted to one another (Rom. 12:10)
  • Build up one another (Rom. 14:19)
  • Accept one another (Rom. 15:7)
  • Admonish one another (Rom. 15:14)
  • Rather be wrong be one another (1 Cor. 6:7)
  • Have the same care for one another (1 Cor. 12:25)
  • Do not challenge or envy one another (Gal. 5:26)
  • Speak the truth with one another (Eph. 4:25)
  • Be kind, tender-hearted toward one another (Eph. 4:32)
  • Consider others more important (Phil. 2:3)
  • Bear with one another (Col. 3:13)
  • Live in peace with one another (1 Thess. 5:13)
  • Be hospitable to one another (1 Pet. 4:9)

Conclusion

Ultimately, there is no dividing wall between men and women that prohibits biblical, genuine, deep friendships. It is required, and can be pursued appropriately, wisely, and in a Christ-honoring manner.

Aside: Boundaries, Guarding One’s Heart, and Separation

I would like to briefly comment on boundaries in friendships with the opposite gender. I am addressing unbiblical reasons for establishing various boundaries; I am not addressing the boundaries themselves. In other words, if a person establishes the boundary of not meeting up with opposite gender privately, I am focusing on whether or not the reasons are biblical; one may consider biblical principles and still arrive at the same conclusion. Also, one must keep in mind of how to lovingly friend a fellow believer who may have different convictions on boundaries or even unbiblical reasons (i.e. the weaker brother situation; cf. Rom. 14:1-15:2).

There is necessity for discernment and wisdom in developing appropriate friendships with the opposite gender. However, much of what is described as boundaries among genuine believers revolve around comfort and fears. In other words, some establish boundaries based on what they are comfortable with or what they are afraid of. For example, one person may not be comfortable with meeting someone of the opposite gender for lunch. There may be a litany of reasons for why such is case, and many are unbiblical. Some unbiblical reasons include the following: many do not want to develop affections for that person (i.e. not romantically interested, which is not viewing that person as a sibling in Christ), or they do not interact with the opposite gender in that way and do not want to be impartial toward one person (which is a misinterpretation of James 2:1, and begs the question as to how they are actively fulfilling the one another commands and upholding the unity of the body of Christ). I would argue that these are unbiblical reasons because they ignore friending for God’s glory. For another example, one person may be afraid of being hurt (e.g. attraction is developed but nothing is pursued), and concludes to not develop friendships with the opposite gender. I would argue that boundaries are for the purpose of clearly drawing the line before sin, provide helping guides to actively honor God and His Word, and direct one to being faithful in doing good. For example, a boundary in how one interacts with the opposite gender could help a person remember how to honor other relationships, be wise, and represent Christ well. Boundaries can be helpful, but I encourage you to consider them biblically, and to remember that they may be conscience issues, which cannot be imposed on others as the biblical or “right” standard.

Related to boundaries, many talk about guarding hearts in friendships. A person’s interaction with the opposite gender may be driven by a personal conclusion on what it means to guard his or her own heart, or the heart of another. I am addressing the notion of guarding the heart. First, you are not responsible for another person’s heart. Second, you will be judged by God according to your own heart (cf. Jer. 17:10). God judges sin. Thus, like boundaries, guarding one’s heart revolves around sin issues. A person may set up relational boundaries in order to guard one’s own heart due to sin issues; yet that does not excuse the person from totally neglecting a gender. Deal with your sins! Put off sin, be renewed in your mind, and put on godliness (cf. Eph. 4:22-24)! Perhaps many get this idea from passages like Proverbs 4:23. Indeed, examine and confront your own heart. While seeking to be faithful to God, trust Him to guard your heart in Christ (cf. Phil. 4:7).

Lastly, I believe Scripture does permit separation between persons. I mentioned this in the aside of the article “Radical Friendship” as well. As there are circumstances in which God permits divorce due to fallen creation (Matt. 5:32; 19:9; 1 Cor, 7:10-16), so there are times where a fully reconciled relationship with another believer may not be presently secured. For example, after a broken dating relationship, are the man and woman supposed to still be friends? Are they called to be a witness of and for God’s glory to one another? Yes. As argued in the aforementioned article, all believers are called to be a friend to others. Yet circumstances may bring distance or lack of opportunity to be an involved friend to the other person. I also recognize that there situations that call for some extent of separation (cf. Prov. 5:1-7:27; 1 Cor. 7:5). However, it is still clear that the norm is not to cut someone out of your life because you have been hurt or wronged. Prayerfully consider how God’s glory is at stake in your friendships with others.