Book: The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship by Jonathan Holmes
Review by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz
When you think of friends, what immediately comes to mind? For many, the popular 90’s show Friends, with six quirky characters, and the catchy theme song, pops in their head. Or, you may think back to your high school days when you had a group of people that you regularly spent time with during lunch, in class, or outside the classroom. Maybe you think of your buddies that were on the same team with you in whatever sport you participated. Or, you may just think to yourself, “I wish I had friends.”
We typically think of friends as the people we get along with best, have the most in common with, enjoy a hobby together, or even live with. The common interests that are shared are generally what keep you guys (or gals) staying friends. We use phrases like, “We really gel well,” or, “We’ve been through so much together” in order to describe the friendships we have, and continually seek more of the same. We spend time with them because we like them, and (as far as we know) they like us; we always feel like we have a good time together.
Other times, a disagreement arises between friends, which can fester and color our interactions with each other in the future. A careless word is spoken, a misunderstood action is done to the other, or expectations have become unrealized. Now we’re on the lookout for a better friend, one who won’t disappoint us the way our last friend did, and on and on the cycle continues. We start to wonder what it is about others that cause friendships to end, and what is wrong with us that we seem to be out on the market for another friend for the umpteenth time. Is there any way we can get out of this spiral?
Enter The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship, a short book written by Pastor Jonathan Holmes of Parkside Church. Looking at the landscape of friendships amongst Christians in terms of its formation and maintenance, Holmes notices that friendships between Christians don’t look all that different than friendships outside the church. His concern is that God’s view of friendships has been largely overlooked, and calls for a renewed understanding of Scripture’s teaching on the subject: “I want to try to show you God’s great design for biblical friendship and describe how we can all take concrete steps toward the kind of friendships that can and should exist among believers.” (p. 17)
Rooting the origin of friendship in the Triune nature of God Himself, Holmes identifies man’s nature as made in His image to best reflect that image in terms of a community. As Genesis 2:18 says, “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.” The focus of this verse has been on the created design that a wife be her husband’s helper, and rightly so. However, an overlooked fact is that God began that statement identifying the relational aspect of man in saying, “it is not good that the man should be alone.” The pursuit of friendships supersedes that of common interest, and instead focuses on the nature of man as a relational being, made to reflect God as Triune.
The problem of friendships has everything to do with the Fall, and how it has affected our relationship with God, our motives for friendship, and our relationships with others. We no longer pursue friendship as an extension of glorifying God, but to gain some personal benefit. Whom we become friends with tell a story, either in what we look for in a friend (common interest, be it sports or a hobby), or in demonstrating the power of God working in the lives of two sinners in need of redeeming grace. Typically, the former is what drives many people to friendship, leading to a different story told other than the gospel’s transforming power.
“When we embody biblical friendship, we bear Jesus’ image, his character, his priorities, and his glory. No longer will our friendships be situated merely around common circumstances or interests, but will instead become an embodied commitment to live out the image of God together in every area of our life.” (p. 25)
All that being said, what then is friendship?
“Biblical friendship exists when two or more people, bound together by a common faith in Jesus Christ, pursue him and his kingdom with intentionality and vulnerability. Rather than serving as an end in itself, biblical friendship serves primarily to bring glory to Christ, who brought us into friendship with the Father. It is indispensable to the work of the gospel in the earth, and an essential element of what God created us for.” (p. 27)
Remembering the fact that Jesus died and resurrected, and He now calls you friend, Holmes spends the rest of the book fleshing out this definition, and demonstrating how Scripture gives a full-orbed, comprehensive picture of what friendship looks like through God’s eyes. Chapter 2 looks at the substitutes for biblical friendship that many tend to fall into: social media, specialized interest (stage of life, common interest), and selfish friendships. His quotation of Nicholas Tuffnell on the problem with Facebook Friend lays bare the futility of seeking those kind of friendships:
“On a slightly deeper note, there’s something about the relentless happiness of people on Facebook that I find monstrous. Everyone is apparently always somewhere better than I am and what’s more, they’re having a brilliant time. My life is not like that. In reality, no one’s life is like that, these are of course constructed narratives, our “best ofs”— but sometimes it’s hard to reason to yourself that these people aren’t having fun all the time when all you ever see of them is pictures of them having fun all the time. I suddenly start to feel pangs of inadequacy and jealousy… and these people are supposed to be my friends.” (p. 33)
Chapter 3 focuses its attention on what the marks of biblical friendship are: constancy, candor, carefulness, and counsel. Getting his cue from Proverbs, Holmes lays out a beautiful picture of friendship that Scripture has painted concerning friendship that demonstrates the wisdom of God in providing for us what may draw us closer to Him. Constancy is a rarity amongst friends, as different and varied reasons are given for why friendships end, some good, but most bad. One only has to think of friendships among elementary school-aged children to see how fickle ‘friendships’ last. Proverbs 18:24 states, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Biblical friendship has a consistency built within, because the end goal is maturity in Christ, and that doesn’t stop until we see Him face to face.
Candor deals with the ability of another to speak the truth in love for the good of your friend, and vice versa. Proverbs 27:5-6 states, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. [6] Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” More than just giving correction, a friend is one who will defend you against the world, the Evil One, and your flesh.
Carefulness emphasizes the care one should have for another as a friend. Here, Holmes writes of the areas of speech, timing, and stewardship. As our knowledge of one another grows, we have more of an entry point to give timely words of care to those we have committed to friendship together:
“[A]s friendship grows and develops, we must continue to engage in a faithful pursuit of the heart, thus emulating Jesus’ knowledge and pursuit of us. This growing knowledge will help our words become ever more careful, considerate, and effective.” (p. 55)
Counsel in friendship is “inter-personal ministry. It is living out the one-anothers of Scripture together.” (ibid) As seen in Proverbs 27:9, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” This aspect of friendship is sorely lacking among those who call Christ as their Savior and Wonderful Counselor.
Chapter 4 introduces the proper setting for friendship to flourish, which comes down to having the right attitudes and goals in a friendship, and using the blessing of conversation and context to foster these attitudes and serve the goals of ultimately glorifying God through these relationships. Chapter 5 lays bare the threats to friendship, which includes personal sin, an incomplete grasp of the gospel, false expectations and the homophobia boogeyman. Chapter 6 brings the book to a close by focusing on the purpose of friendship, since all that came before can tempt one to give up altogether, seeing the work it would take to establish a biblical friendship. What Holmes makes sure his readers understand is that the effort believers should take in fostering friendship is in the light of God’s grace, not our own perfect performance. There is a unity that must be cultivated, which comes from a genuine endurance through the ups and downs of life as you together show the unity of the body of Christ, and the power of the gospel to a lost and dying world. The book also has an appendix answering some common questions from a practical standpoint.
Reading this book made me reflect much on my own attempts at biblical friendship, and the many failures I have personally experienced in my selfish desire to receive the benefits of friendship without contributing my part in the relationship. Considering the marks of friendship brought a whole new appreciation for the friends I have who are currently intentional in their pursuit of biblical friendship. This may have been my first time being exposed to the wealth of wisdom from Proverbs in what it has to say concerning friendship. A passing reference here, a head nod over there from articles and books that lightly touched on friendship, this book stands head and shoulders above the current literature on the topic.
If you want to evaluate biblically your current friendships, this is definitely the book worth investing your time looking into. I am very thankful to have read this book, and commend it to you. May our friendships all reflect the glory of God and point others to the cross of Christ because, and not in spite of, our friendships.