by Pastor John Kim

When people think about dating, I believe that the majority are way too short-sighted. Most are only thinking of the immediate context, focusing on how they “feel” now and how things “match” and how “similar” they should be, not giving consideration to the fact that feelings change, what seemed to match and provide for similarities becomes that which many complain and wish they could change later in their partner.

Watching couples who have been married for a long time should be an exercise that all should consider before even thinking about dating. In reading the biography of D. Martin Lloyd-Jones, I took some time just to glance at all the photos that are in both volumes and one thing that I was really interested in was just watching how he and his wife Bethan looked like together over the years. As they both aged, the one thing that went through my mind was, “Wow! I hope that when I get all old and wrinkled that Angela would stick with me though I won’t look the same when I was younger.” It’s when you look at older couples that you realize that a relationship is not about “magic” or feeling attraction or how well you fit together. It simply comes down to a commitment to genuinely love one another. As the years go by, true love doesn’t become stale, it just deepens. It transcends the superficial and becomes a bonding of the soul. You don’t look at each other so much because you are impressed with what they can do for you or how they look so much as it is that you just really love your spouse with all your heart and you just love being with them and sharing everything in life with them. It affects all that you do – your faith in Christ is shared, your service in the church is shared, your nurturing of the marriage covenant is shared, your parenting of the children is shared, your future hopes and dreams are shared, and even the mundane things in life become a joy because they are shared – an ice cream cone, a slice of watermelon at the park at 10pm in Florence, Italy, a cup of coffee at McDonald’s (or Starbucks on a fancy date =).

When I look back at my college years and think about the stage of dating with Angela, I look back with some degree of wonder that I didn’t just blow everything with my stupidity. But there was one thing that was in the back of my mind more than anything else when I contemplated my relationship with Angela. Yes, she was physically attractive (actually, she was just plain hot!!) Yes, she had a vivacious personality and was great to hang around with. Yes, she was athletic – we played football together one time and she juked a guy with a shoulder fake while she was the tailback – boy was I impressed! Yes, she was actively involved in her church and faithfully serving the Lord. But the most important thing that I thought of when I was with her was that I just wanted to love her and serve her and take care of her the best I could by the grace of God. Someone asked me back then if I was sure that Angela was the right one. All I could reply was that I couldn’t say that I knew that, but I knew that I wanted to love her as the right one.

As a pastor-to-be, I had a very bleak future to offer. Not much money, not much comfort, a whole lot of struggles from financial to relational. A lot of dealings with people, and difficult people at that. Most likely a whole lot of heartaches and troubles, not to mention my own precarious health – my blindness, my bad back, neck, knees, ankles, allergies, proneness to injury. Coming from a very typical Korean family with a huge extended family straight out of Korean video drama series. So I can’t really say there was a whole lot going for me to make a long-term relationship very attractive.

Fast forward almost 18 years later. I thought I was in love with Angela back in 1986, when I first started dating her. I thought I was in love on April 2, 1988 when I proposed to her in Oceanside at a park (a foreshadowing of San Diego??). I thought I was in love on June 10, 1989 when we walked the aisle at Grace Community Church in front of 1200+ guests (what a crazy wedding!). I thought I was in love when our first daughter was born on January 31, 1992. I thought I was in love with each succeeding child (August 13, 1995, September 27, 1999, and September 17, 2005). But tonight I look at Angela and just can’t help but say I really love her more than I have ever loved her and it’s not so much about attraction (though I still really am attracted to her) and it’s not so much about looks (more for her looking at me than anything as I have increased in girth since my slim days at UCLA) and it’s not because I offer her a lot of nice things in life (just a couple of cross-country jaunts, torture sessions through a couple of Korean church fiascos, and making her run a gauntlet of ministry roles) but it’s really just because I love being with her. I love laughing with her. I love just holding her hands and walking together as I swing her arms really high (this started back while we were dating). I love talking with her about anything (and I know she must love me because now I talk way too much, especially about crazy ideas, church problems, and my venting sessions with difficult people, not to mention my weekly sermons of an hour length or more). I love it when I see her ministering to people and sharing the love of Christ with them. I love watching her hold Olivia and watching her feed her patiently. I love watching her get excited at Jenna’s basketball games or Kara’s soccer games. I love watching her dote over our little ballerina Alyssa. I am in awe of her ability to handle the kids daily (I am about to pass out just watching them for half a day). As I look at her sleeping now after an exhausting trip to LA to help her mom and to get the funeral arrangements made, I am just happy to have her next to me as I go to bed and when I wake up, I just get to look at her face.

Dating is more than just about “falling in love” and “feeling the magic.” Dating is more than just gving way to your sexual desires. Dating is to be those first steps of a journey that you hope to see continue for decades, growing old together, growing in your love for Christ together, growing in your love for one another together, living and forgiving daily as we walk this planet. It’s not just about raising kids but it’s about loving them and showing them the love of Christ to His church through our marriage. It’s about sharing the gospel together with our children so that they can come to know the Savior and have the hope of eternal life. It’s about cheering each other on and celebrating all of life together and holding each other up in times of sorrow.

I get so sad when I hear about dating couples that just can’t seem to hold it together. They lose sight of Christ, they get emotionally carried away, and some just go way past the appropriate bounds of purity and compromise their whole future away for the sake of some momentary pleasure. This is truly settling for, as C.S. Lewis so aptly puts it, for mud pies in the slums when you can have a holiday at the beach. You are too easily satisfied with so little when God intended there to be so much more.

The whole point of this post? For those of you who are single, don’t just get caught up in the moment. Think about the one that you are dating, or hope to date. Can you see yourself with them 5 years from now? What does the picture look like? How about 10 years from now? How about 15 years from now? Can you see a true bonding of the souls? Can you see a weaving of two lives into one flesh so that life is not about “me” but “we”? Can you imagine yourself 30-40 years down the road and while everything else starts to fall apart (the joints, the hair, etc.), your love for each other won’t?

Don’t settle for mud. Go for the beach. Look to set up a dynasty together, not a one-night stand.
It isn’t worth settling for anything less than God’s best – the love of Christ for His church (Ephesians 5:22-33). If you don’t seek that, you shouldn’t date. Period.