by Pastor John Kim

DTR2 Q&A

Question: How does one pursue developing a gentle and quiet spirit as found in 1 Peter 3:4?

Answer:

As discussed this past Sunday at the DTR2 session, I shared about various qualities one should look for in a God-honoring relationship. For the ladies, one of the first qualities that was brought up was that of a gentle and quiet spirit. What does it mean to have a gentle and quiet spirit and how does one pursue nurturing such a quality?

The word “gentle” refers to the character quality that is most marked by a humble and kind spirit that provides the basis for submission, which is the primary quality being addressed in 1 Peter 3:1, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husband.” Now someone might get distracted at this point and say, “I’m not a wife yet!”, but that would be to rush too quickly to judgment.

The quality of gentleness is one that stems from being filled with the Holy Spirit. In Galatians 5:22-23, the fruit of the Spirit is characterized in a nine-fold display of one who is walking in the Spirit (Gal. 5:16). So gentleness is not simply reserved for wives alone but is to be characteristic of every Christian, men included.

For those that might minimize the importance of gentleness, it was displayed in none other than our Lord Jesus Christ Himself as the Scriptures express the following:

Matthew 11:29
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 21:5
Say to the daughter of Zion, “Behold your King is coming to you, gentle, mounted on a donkey, even on a colt, the foal of beast of burden.”

2 Corinthians 10:1
Now I, Paul myself urge you by the meekness and gentleness of Christ – I who am meek when face to face with you, but bold toward you when absent!

Our Lord displayed this trait of gentleness, which no doubt would lead us to consider how we might imitate Him. Consider He who is King of kings and He is exalted in being proclaimed “gentle” and even when the apostle Paul is exhorting the believers in Corinth, he appeals to them with the gentleness of Christ. It is an observation this is truly noteworthy for it uplifts this character trait from the stereotypical view of those being gentle equates to those who are weak.

Ladies, to display gentleness in your heart and spirit is not a sign of weakness or a lowering of value as the world might portray it. It is to follow in the very footsteps of Christ and it would be no small thing to display this trait, even in a dating relationship because first and foremost, you should be cultivating this quality simply because you are a Christian. But there is a special relevance as it relates to the role that you are to prepare for and that is to be a submissive wife.

Carefully consider the exhortations relating to gentleness in Scripture:

Matthew 5:5
Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.

Philippians 4:5
Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

Titus 3:1-2
Remind them to be subject to rulers, to authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good deed, to malign no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing every consideration for all men.

Ephesians 4:1-2
Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Note how these passages are all relational in nature and it is not a sign of weakness but actually that of power. The gentle will inherit the earth!

I remember when growing up my mom gave me a devotion that she had heard from somewhere that gentleness was “power under control.” This is very true. It is not a sign of weakness but it actually is a sign of strength. There is nothing more difficult than to show gentleness when confronted with conflict and when someone might be making life very difficult for you and you feel justified in getting angry and upset and letting your emotions out. That is why it is impossible to be truly gentle apart from the power of the Holy Spirit in those situations.

Gentleness is also the key to all relationships, even in relation to being submissive to the governing authorities. It is also key in how we display our high calling in Christ and it is what contributes to true unity in the church.

How true then would it be for any kind of relationship to grow and flourish? Ladies, your contribution to a God-honoring relationship for the long-term will depend on your commitment to growing a gentle spirit. So how is it possible?

This is where the next word “quiet” comes in to play. The idea of being quiet is just that, to be quiet. There is an appropriate time speak and to voice your opinions but there is also a time, maybe even more so to be quiet in your demeanor and disposition. The idea of “quiet” also belies a stillness or tranquility of spirit, one that is unaffected by the emotional turmoil that often causes many to end up being obnoxious and nasty, especially in their words and attitudes toward others. The idea of a gentle heart really is found and evidenced when someone is able to show self-control and show that the peace of God reigns in their hearts.

Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Note that these two verses follow verse 5, which mentions the idea of gentleness. When there are times of anxiety, which no doubt comes up quite often in the whole issue of dating relationships, whether you are in one or not, the key here is to have a spirit that is characterized by being at peace. A quiet spirit is one that truly experiences the peace of God and it will then coincide with the display of gentleness, regardless of the circumstances but especially in light of difficult circumstances. Too many ladies are quick to discard gentleness to the wind when confronted with various situations and while it might be understandable from the world’s perspective to get upset and angry and to really run roughshod over a person, it is a far cry from one who is called to be living sacrifice before God. This is where we cannot afford to be conformed to the world but instead be transformed by the renewing of our minds with wisdom from above, which incidentally includes gentleness as being characteristic of heavenly wisdom (Jam. 3:17).

One last thing to note going back to 1 Peter 3:4. When women are challenged to exhibit a gentle and quiet spirit, you must consider that there are two significant things about it that make it important. First, it is an imperishable quality, that is, it is incorruptible and has an eternal quality about it. It is not subject to cultural revision or a changing of the times. It is a quality that when displayed in a God-honoring way is timeless. Second, it is a quality that is precious in the sight of God. It is the inner beauty of the heart that God sees as most valuable. Just as when Samuel was looking for a king out of the sons of Jesse, God admonished his short-sightedness when he thought the first-born was going to be chosen. “God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).

Ladies, if you desire to see the glory of God be displayed in your life, it will not be by focusing on the external adornment that this world so quickly turns to in order to define “beauty” but instead it is to focus on the hidden person of the heart. Beauty that is honoring before God is characterized by a gentle and quiet spirit and you cannot allow the lies of the world to convince you otherwise. Just like the serpent in the garden in Genesis 3, the world will say, “Indeed did God say?” and will get you to question the Lordship of Christ in your life.

Men, you also need to consider the priority of inner beauty as you consider your relationships with women. What do you truly value and what are you attracted to when it comes to ladies? If you do not see spiritual qualities such as a gentle and quiet spirit before you go looking, you will most likely find out, and sadly find out later that you will have wished for this quality to be present when you find yourself with someone who might be physically attractive but lacking severely in this area and you will find yourself miserable with a “beautiful” woman. It has been show time and time again – can’t you just watch the news and see the drama of our celebrity world as it is awash in glamour and appearances, only to find that it as Solomon said, “Vanity of vanities!”

So what are some practical ways to develop and practice a gentle and quiet spirit?

1. In your speech

Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

What side will you find yourself on this verse? Gentle words or harsh words? Be careful the next time you talk with anyone, but especially those that are close to you, like family and friends. Note the tone of your voice and ask yourself if God would be glorified with harsh words or gentle words. If you are really brave, ask those that you really want to help you to hold you accountable in this area. But you really need to mean it because it will be tremendously difficult. But if anything, it will remind you to discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness.

2. In correction

Galatians 6:1
Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.

When you find yourself in a position to correct someone, take a moment to remember that if you really do consider yourself to be spiritually mature, then your correction will take on a tone of gentleness, never out of anger or bitterness or resentment. Too often you can crush a person’s spirit when correcting. Consider many children who while they admittedly need correction, only have their hearts bruised and eventually hardened by the harsh tone of correction that is expressed.

Ladies, when you feel hurt or think that the guy is being insensitive or otherwise unkind to you in some way, if you presume yourself to be acting in a God-honoring fashion, a gentle and quiet spirit means that you will not allow yourself to be drawn into a judgmental attitude and then unleash on the other person harsh words that are condemning in nature. You will in fact only condemn yourself to your hypocrisy as you will no doubt find yourself in the other shoes and then you will have nothing to say because your own words will condemn you. Take time to first exercise self-control in your heart and then make sure your words are gentle and quiet. Remember that you will be held accountable for every word that you utter.

Another thing that you as ladies can do is to pursue Titus 2 relationships with older godly women who can practically walk you through what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit. Now you will have to choose wisely because not all older women in the church necessarily display this kind of quality. But when you do find one (remember they won’t be perfect), you need to really grab a hold of that relationship and squeeze them for every ounce of wisdom you can get because it is priceless to have such influences in your life.

For those who have heard me share about them before, Fred and Mary Barshaw were an older couple at Grace Community Church that really impacted my marriage with Angela. Both were such kind and gentle spirits that every time we would talk with them, they would exude the kind of examples that we really cherished and valued. I can’t help but notice that there are too few of these kind of examples these days. If there is anything that would be worthwhile to pursue, it would be to have the kind of gentle and quiet spirit that really reflects spiritual strength, stability, and maturity that will then bode well for a relationship in any context, but especially a dating relationship that will hopefully one day lead to marriage.

Well, a long answer to question #1. Hope that helps.