by Pastor Patrick Cho

A few weeks ago I had a chance to speak during the DTR series about “Breaking Up to the Glory of God.” In the introduction to that message I made some comments about the importance of developing a solid theology of dating and I wanted to elaborate on those thoughts. The basic idea is that even Christians with a good understanding of theology oftentimes do not put their beliefs into practice when it comes to dating. Although they might profess to believe in particular aspects of biblical theology, they live as though they don’t. James exhorts believers not to be mere hearers of the Word, but doers also (James 1:22). In particular, it isn’t enough to have a correct understanding of God and His Word if you are not willing to allow your beliefs to affect your thinking.

Here are some examples of how I have witnessed people doing this (and how I have done this as well!)…

The Glory of God. When it comes to the glory of God, every good Christian knows what Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 10:31. Everything you do, regardless of how mundane, is supposed to be for the glory of God. The glory of God is really supposed to be the ultimate motivation behind everything a person does because God is worthy of all glory and honor and praise. When you seek to enter into a dating relationship, it becomes tempting to have personal desires take precedence over God’s will. You may seek to live for personal satisfaction rather than the glory of God, and that which should take ultimate priority takes a back seat. When you do not get what you want, you have sinful attitudes of doubting and complaining. This manifests that you do not seek God’s glory as much as you ought.

The Sovereignty of God. Psalm 103:19 states, “The LORD has established His throne in the heavens, and His sovereignty rules over all.” You may have come to the conviction that God is sovereign over all things. The Bible even teaches that God is sovereign over a person’s salvation (Eph. 1:5), and many Christians are happy to accept this because they know that they would never have sought after God if He had not have first chosen them. When it comes to dating, though, practically you may exhibit a lack of trust in the sovereignty of God. Questions may flood into your mind like, “What if I don’t act soon enough?” or “What if he/she starts dating someone else?” All of a sudden, because you are gripped with getting what you want, you abandon your belief in the sovereignty of God and try to manipulate and control circumstances on your own. You must act because you doubt that the Lord will act on your behalf. You doubt that God is in control and so you take matters into your own hands.

The Goodness of God. James tells us that every good thing and every perfect gift is from our heavenly Father (James 1:17). Why is it that in the context of dating you tend to question God’s goodness so much? When things don’t go your way, you question whether God is good. “Why would God give me such longings only to not let me have what I want?” Ultimately, this is the wrong question to ask. The correct question is, “Why aren’t my desires in line with God’s desires for my life?” God is a good God, but somehow you may be tempted to doubt this if you do not end up with the person you had hoped for.

The Wisdom of God. Perhaps you are sure that a certain guy or gal is the one for you. When that person does not feel the same way as you, do you question whether God knows what He is doing? Perhaps you need to meditate on Romans 11:33-36 and the awesome wisdom of God. You ought not to act as though God is mistaken. He is infinitely wise and knows how to govern your life in the best way.

The Omniscience and Omnipresence of God. If you find yourself in the context of dating, and you have a clear understanding that God is always there and always watching, you would be less susceptible to sexual sin. Solomon says to his son in the context of warning him against sexual sin, “For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He watches all his paths” (Prov. 5:21). Do you live as though God is always there and that He is always watching? Psalm 139:1-12 speaks about God’s amazing omnipresence and omniscience, but in a dating context you may live as though you think God is blind or absent.

The Sufficiency of Scripture. When it comes to the theology of the Bible, many would argue that the Bible doesn’t say anything about dating. I know what these people mean, that one will not find the idea of dating in any Bible concordance and that there is no chapter and verse on dating in particular. My greatest question in response, though, is if the Bible gives no wisdom about dating, where do you turn for that wisdom? 2 Timothy 3:16-17 and Psalm 19:7-11 speak of the sufficiency of the Word of God. In it we find the instructions for life and God’s requirements of us. It is the standard of truth that all other worldly wisdom must answer to. If the Bible says nothing about dating, giving no principles to help those in a dating context, then how can a person know how he or she is supposed to date? Would you rather turn to Oprah, movies, or your friends? Where are you going to get the guidance that is necessary to pursue a dating relationship that honors God if not from the Bible?

The Authority of Scripture. Even after a person seeks the Scriptures for principles that are applicable in a dating context, they do not always abide by them. When you act against clear principles from God’s Word, you manifest a distrust in the authority of Scripture. You would rather turn to another authority and reason for yourself what is right or wrong. The nation of Israel was guilty of this and fell into moral ruin. God says the reason why they did this was because, “In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes” (Judges 21:25). So often we think it is wise to act on what our hearts tell us. We think God is giving us peace about our decisions because we feel good about them. But the Bible says that our hearts are deceitful and sick (Jer. 17:9). Because of our sinfulness, our minds have been tainted by sin (cf. Gen. 6:5; Rom. 1:21-22). It is because of sin’s impact on the mind that our hearts are not the best determiner of what is sound. We need to seek the authority of God’s Word because without it we are like people in the dark with no light to lead us (Ps. 119:105).

These are just a few examples of how we demonstrate the weakness of our theology in the context of dating and relationships. We would be wise to be more consistent. It is not enough to have a load of head knowledge about God and His Word if you are not willing to live as though you believe it. God is not out to kill your fun. He desires the best for you. When you trust in His character, even when things do not go your way, you can hope that He has a better plan in store for you. Practicing good theology is vital to surviving the “dating game”! I cannot imagine how I would have survived all the anxiety, rejection, and loneliness if I did not have the sound principles and teaching from God’s Word. It is not that I practiced everything perfectly either. As one of my seminary professors said, “Dating is a cruel, hard game… but we must all play that game.” What better way to tackle one of the most significant decisions in your life than to seek God’s Word for wisdom and guidance?