by Pastor John Kim
As a young child, the Bible passage that we would most hear often is Ephesians 6:1-3: 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
It is obvious that to obey and honor your parents is one of the primary priorities children have to bring glory to God. The dilemma starts to arise in how does one transition from being a child under the authority of parents to making decisions that are independent from parental oversight. For those who have grown up in an Asian environment, the concept of filial piety is something that is clearly a part of the culture. Obedience to parents is an uncontested rule and to question or disobey your parents would bring great shame and dishonor to the family. Even for those that would say they are Christians, this issue has brought tremendous challenges when there are significant decisions that need to be made.
I can think of two issues that are very much at the forefront when considering how to deal with parents.
The first would be that of one’s life purpose. From a very early age, a child might hear that their greatest priority is to study hard, go to a good college, get a good job so that you could have a successful and fulfilled life. On the surface there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with this. It is only when you dig a little deeper and examine the motivations and desires that are underlying this kind of mindset do you see what is at the heart. Some parents are so insistent on this path that every possible way of enhancing potential success is not only considered but often taken in multiplied ways. It is not uncommon to hear of young children being tutored while in elementary school, not because they are deficient in their understanding but to try and exceed past the average standards that are expected for that particular stage. Understanding that the elite colleges also give weight to extracurricular activities and achievements, there is tremendous pressure to not only participate in all manners of disciplines such as music, athletics, and academically related activities, but to excel at the highest levels. As the drive for success starts early, the first three decades of life are pretty much dictated by this focus and does not end until the fruits of the labors are actually materialized. This of course does not automatically happen for everyone and those who fail to reach the highest levels of success are then trapped within the consequences of the time, energy, finances, and sacrifices that all come with this. Even with success does not come the peace that one would assume will be there awaiting at the top of the mountain. In fact, success breeds continued expectations as well as the realization that there is always more to be attained. There is also the inevitable empty feeling of “What now?” when the highest levels of achievement have been reached. It is not as satisfying as one would think. Just consider the legions of celebrities, superstar athletes, politicians, and other significant figures that most would consider to have reached the pinnacle. Why is there still a lack of contentment?
This issue is compounded when you throw in the element of your commitment to Christ and how it is manifested through your involvement in the local church. This seems to especially be profound at our church in light of our church- planting plans for San Jose where a number of people on the team are facing incredible pressure from their parents, being questioned as to their very sanity as to how could someone make church a defining point for direction in their life. It seems absolutely ludicrous and crazy that someone would quit his or her job, relocate to a completely foreign area, and go all because of church. Even those who grew up in the San Jose area are facing opposition for their decisions when you would think that their families would welcome them back. It is very strange and odd to watch this take place.
The second issue would be that of one’s life partner. I can’t think of anything that has generated more trauma in a person’s life than to be in the position where your parents do not want you to date, get engaged, or be married to someone that they absolutely disapprove. Whether the parents are Christians or not, the emotional impact is so overwhelming that it almost feels like a hurricane that wreaks havoc not only in the lives of those who are directly involved, but there is collateral damage amongst even others who might get in the way. I have personally been threatened verbally and even physically by parents who are very upset that I would not intervene on their behalf. I have seen and heard shocking things from adults who would otherwise seem to be dignified and respectable people. Whether they are Christian or not, the defining principle that seems to be unassailable is that of honoring and obeying the will of the parents. If an individual chooses not to follow what the parents desire, there are often threats, ultimatums, and some have gone as far as to cut off all ties with their children. It is sad and heartbreaking to see take place, but it continues to happen to the sorrow of many.
So what is the answer to these problems? I can only say that there are no simple quick fix solutions but there are foundations truths that really need to underlie HOW one would respond to both situations so that while you are honoring your parents, it will not come at the cost of compromising the glory of God.
Principle #1 – Start with the glory of God
Romans 11:36
36 For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.
While honoring parents is an important truth in life, glorifying God must be the highest priority. This is not to say it is always so easy to apply – it takes prayerful consideration and effort to place God at the center of the whole process of gauging the heart for motives and the mind for the decision making process. The glory of God must be considered at the start and the finish as well as throughout the process of working through issues. This doesn’t guarantee that things will work out neat and clean but it does provide the proper foundation and perspective that will carry you through the process. We cannot afford to be Machiavellian in our strategy where the end justifies the means. The means are to be just as centered on the glory of God as the end is that God would receive the glory.
At a practical level we need to ask the question if we fear God or fear man through how we face challenges. Put another way, do we seek the approval of God or the approval of man? Do we find the expedient way preferable because we can avoid the hassle and trouble or are we willing to persevere through the trials so that God’s name might be magnified? This is an honest struggle for most people and while it at times could seem a bit theoretical, the ramifications are profound. The more we seek to please man, the easier we will find it to please man and what will be compromised is the glory of God. In seeking the glory of God, it does not necessarily mean we are trying to make things difficult in our human relationships, but it does mean that we are going to submit all things first and foremost to the Lordship of Christ and to see if we are truly following Christ in our heart motivation and attitude in how we conduct ourselves, even if it might incur the wrath of our parents. Our goal is not to incite conflict but to really make worshipping God the central premise to all of life.
Principle #2 – Process Biblically
2 Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
If we truly believe that God’s Word is sufficient, then the authority of Scripture must show itself in this fourfold application. Is the Word of God the basis for the teaching which I follow? Does it provide the foundation for how it reproves my attitude and actions? Do I follow it in terms of how it would correct me in bringing me back to the right path that honors God? Does it provide the parameters for how I will train and discipline my life toward godliness? If the Word of God does its work of conviction and transformation, then I will be able to discern the will of God as Romans 12:2 promises and it will mature me to be sufficiently equipped to do every good work, even in the midst of difficult circumstances.
Psalm 19:7-11 describes the Word of God in terms that show a clear effect on our lives. We can trust the character of God’s Word because it is perfect, sure, right, pure, clean, enduring forever, true, and righteous. As a result, it revives the soul, makes wise the simple, rejoices the heart, enlightens the eyes, provides warning, and finally there is great reward. If we really desire and treasure God’s Word, it will keep us from sin (Psalm 119:11) and it will direct our paths like a lamp to our feet when we try to navigate the sensitive and often arduous trails of working out things with our parents.
But if we instead lean on worldly wisdom and pragmatic thinking, we might pursue superficial appeasement to stem off the emotional attacks but in the long term it will breed resentment and bitterness. It is something that is confirmed over and over again when I consider the many people I have had a chance to counsel and observe in facing these issues. You might choose the immediate solution of pleasing your parents so as to avoid dealing with their anger but it never addresses the heart of the problems. Trusting God is definitely not an easy thing to do but as Proverbs 3:5-6 states, there is a great promise that comes when we trust the Lord with all our hearts – He will direct our paths when we acknowledge Him in all our ways.
There seems to be a very strong correlation to how healthy someone’s interaction with the Word of God is and their overall spiritual health. This has profound impact on how you will respond to difficult situations as the Word of God is the instrument through which the Holy Spirit, the Counselor, the Comforter, helps guide and direct us in providing wisdom and discernment in how to tread the delicate path of glorifying God while at the same time trying to honor our parents. It is not only possible but it is doable as we have the promises of God to lead the way.
While every situation that you go through in dealing with your parents might not be mentioned specifically in Scripture, there are principles which help build the foundations for a God-centered worldview that ultimately will guide you in making decisions that will be consistent in bringing God glory and in magnifying Christ. Often times it will be very much in contradiction to the status quo ways of the world and you must anticipate that the world and even at times those who say they are Christians will not agree with you and sometimes will even get very angry with how you might respond. But there is a comfort and strength that comes when convictions are centered around the glory of God and His righteousness and you will not ever regret choosing the narrow path that is laid down by the Word of God.
Principle #3 – Walk in the Spirit
Galatians 5:16-26
16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.
As believers, it is impossible to truly live to the glory of God apart from the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. It really is an effort in futility to try and resolve conflicts with our parents when we are attempting to do so in our own power and wisdom. Just as we cannot use worldly wisdom, we also cannot afford to use human ability or power but instead we must be filled with the Spirit so that we may walk by the Spirit in order to manifest the fruit of the Spirit in our lives from our hearts. Filial piety is often times only skin deep because the heart is not necessarily genuine behind the external behavior. There must be a true honoring and respecting of parents that comes from a heart that is driven by the Holy Spirit to love and respond with grace and kindness, even in situations that are difficult.
Principle #4 – Magnify Christ
2 Corinthians 5:14-15
14 For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; 15 and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.
Often times parents will use the “guilt” card and try to remind us of all the hard work and sacrifices that they endured so as to provide a better life for us. This is not to say that we should not be thankful for all that our parents have done. Indeed we should be grateful and even show our gratitude in tangible ways. But we must remember that there is someone who gave the greatest sacrifice of all – His very death on the cross and if there is any motivation that we should have, it should be out of the love we have for the one who loved us first. To love Christ demands my all, my heart, my soul, the entirety of my being. That’s why at times there is a test of loyalty that challenges us to the point where there is the possibility of being cut off by parents and family. This is never something to be taken lightly or conceded easily but at the same time we need to really ask if Jesus Christ does have the greatest authority over our lives as Lord or are we subtly trying to avoid that by even appealing to Scriptures that say we need to honor our parents so that we can avoid conflict. I would never treat this kind of situation flippantly but it would need to be done prayerfully but there will come a time when you will have to choose between Christ’s authority and your parents because they will not match in seeking first God’s kingdom and God’s righteousness. Remember the promise that Christ gave that He would always be with us (Matthew 28:20). Remember that He will be faithful not only to carry us, but to provide for us all that we need, even the loss of family. This is not to say that it will always be the case that family ties are lost. In fact, it is usually rare for someone to be completely disowned. But even the threat of it can weigh heavy on a person’s heart so we need to remember that we can’t afford to let threats dislodge the Lordship of Christ being the supreme authority over every aspect of our lives, even our education and our future marriage.
There’s always a lot more to say but hopefully this will be starting point for people to consider how they can interact with their parents to God’s glory.