by Elder Peter Lim

Growing up in the mid-1970s in the San Fernando Valley, a suburb of Los Angeles, a familiar scene repeated itself every school day as it does even today in much of the World. We played kickball. It always began by some mob-mentality decision made by the more vocal kids that the top two athletes be the two team captains so as to avoid both of them being on the same team. I hate to brag but I was oftentimes one of the two. So the process continued where we alternated picking members of our teams until everyone was on one team or another. I didn’t consider at the time what it must’ve felt like to be one of the last ones chosen, or even being the very last one. I hope I didn’t cause any kid to cry himself to sleep at night because of my attitude toward him.

I bring back this memory (painful no doubt to some of you) because the grown-up version of this scenario can happen to many single Christians, particularly those who are hitting their upper 20s or older and there seems to be no prospect of marriage or even a relationship anywhere in the near future. To be sure, they have been well-taught (at least in our church I hope) that they need to be patient, to trust in God’s sovereign timing, etc. However, I still remember what it felt like when I was single that although I was trying hard to grow spiritually, it was difficult to find someone that I was attracted to who would also be attracted to me. It felt like other guys were being picked to be on a team and I was being left behind. Understanding that I needed to be a man and take the initiative, I worked up enough courage to ask someone to be my girlfriend. Apparently I took her completely by surprise even though we had been good friends, sometimes spending 5 out of 7 nights of the week doing stuff together whether it was studying or going to Bible study together, etc. It took her 48 hours to get back to me with the sisterly reply, “I never saw you in that way. You are a good brother to me.” I was and am grateful that she was direct and to the point but it was still unpleasant to have my feelings unreciprocated. To this day, she is still a good and dear friend. Why do I bring up this embarrassing story? Because many singles are having similar experiences and thoughts regarding the future.

Many of the guys can relate to the situation I just described. It’s not easy to put all your feelings out there all awkwardly like that just to have it rejected, no matter how kindly it was done. Especially if you are working hard to be Godly and you are asking out a girl who has a Godly reputation, you would expect that you stand a better chance of success because she wouldn’t give lame reasons for rejection. I think ladies have it even harder than the guys because as men take the initiative to be “team captains,” the ladies are often left to wonder what’s in store for their future, whether they will ever be picked to be on the team. “Will anyone ever ask me out?” “Why do the wrong guys always seem to show the most interest?” “This guy is asking me out but I’m kind of interested in this other guy…what should I do?” “Is it okay if I ask a guy out?” “Maybe I should drop some obvious hints that I’m interested in him?” Oftentimes the harsh reality of sinful Christian men, who are just as shallow as the rest of the world, as they value physical attraction more than spirituality, discourages ladies such that it tempts them to have a low self-image, self-consciousness, and even depression.

Men:

• There is nothing wrong with video games or sports or [insert hobby here] but consider that there are other more important things to do with your life. Beware of the “Peter Pan Syndrome.” Grow up into Godly men and stop being little boys.
• Stop looking for the perfect woman. Strive to BE the perfect man. If you found the perfect woman, what makes you think you would be worthy of her?

Women:

• You are precious to God. He died to save and redeem you. This should define your worth and not any relationship with a man or lack thereof.
• Don’t blame men if they are being lame. They are in the process of sanctification too. Your pursuit of Godliness should not be dependent on their growth.

Both:

• Value the things that God values in a person. Change your own definition of “attractive” to align with God’s values. Really, do you think some movie star/model/musician/non-Christian is more attractive than a Godly person? If so, your definition is based on worldly values and needs correction.
• The Bible never promises that those who are Godly will get married someday.
• The Bible never portrays marriage as the goal in life. Singleness is even preferred for those to whom it has been given. (1 Cor. 7)
• If you get rejected, don’t have the attitude of “God must have someone better than him/her in store for me.” This is not only not-Biblical, it’s prideful, mean-spirited, and even retaliatory toward the person who rejected you. It is better to think “If it’s His will for me to be married, He has chosen someone perfectly suited for me.” You will need to make an extra effort to renew your friendship with this person especially in the near future because it’s awkward for them to respond to you in this way too. Affirm them for being courageous enough to be honest in this difficult situation.
• Do you want to be the perfect man/woman? A big hint can be found in James 3:2. This applies to ladies too. Remember that the focus is on the source of the words, the fountain from which the water comes out. (James 3:11)
• Men, close your eyes and imagine 20-30 years into your future. Imagine that you have a daughter who has just told you that so-and-so has asked her to go out with him. What do you imagine him to be like ideally? What sort of character qualities would you like him to have? Now come back to reality and BE that man. Ladies, reverse the situation and imagine that you have a son…
• Marriage is sometimes not easy. Remember that two sinners are coming together to form one unit. Practice your disciplines now to be self-sacrificial in your service to one another. As you serve humbly and sacrificially, you will notice that there are others who are doing the same. These should be the most attractive people to you.
• Have you considered that perhaps it’s by God’s mercy that you are not in a marriage relationship? God may not be through preparing you for marriage yet and sparing you from difficult situations that you are not ready for. Keep praying for growth and perhaps even opportunities for you to be stretched in dealing with difficult circumstances.
• Celebrate this phase of your life! You may not be able to fellowship with and enjoy the company of the opposite sex and learn about their peculiarities forever. It just wouldn’t be appropriate after you get married.