by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)

When the Gospel gets a hold of our lives and changes us from the inside out, we start to grow less dependent on ourselves and more dependent on God, especially when it comes to relationships. Relationships are a launching pad for conflicts to flourish, if they aren’t grounded in the Gospel. However, when they are, it opens opportunities for the world to see a glimpse of how reconciliation really looks like, empowered by the Gospel and modeled in light of the Gospel. When it comes to resolving and restoring a broken relationship, it usually takes a process involving four steps: repentance, self-examination, confession, and personal change.

Repentance Is More Than a Feeling

To repent involves more than a sense of guilt, or a bad feeling. It requires a change of heart and a turn from the sin we commit to a new way of living. This involves a mind-change that goes from a love for our sin to a hatred of it, and a siding with God on how He views our sin. Peter, when he spoke to the people in Solomon’s portico, said: “Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out” (Acts 3:19). To counter the idea that many professing believers have on repentance comes from Paul writing to the church in Corinth: “As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:9-10). The temptation is to consider feeling bad as sufficient for repenting of our sin, while we continue to commit them, living as if we’re more concerned with how hurt we feel than how our sin grieves God. Repentance leads to a new look at our sin—one that shows it is a personal offense against God (2 Chronicles 6:37-39). Repentance is what Christ requires for us to follow Him (Mark 1:15)—and it also leads to a continual life of repentance (Matthew 3:8; Acts 26:20).

Examine Yourself

2 Corinthians 13:5 states: “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!” This we need to do in relation to how we view sin with respect to how it violates God’s law and attacks His character. Scripture calls sin to be disobedience against Him and an act of lawlessness (1 John 3:4), as well as not doing anything (James 4:17), especially when it comes to relationships and conflict.

When we find it hard to confess our sins, there are two things we can do:

1. Pray to God that He would help you see your sin and repent of it, as well as study His Word and continually pray for Him to show you where you fall short of His standard.
2. Ask a friend more spiritually mature than you to give counsel and correction.

There are many areas where we fail to examine what part we took in a conflict.

Using Your Tongue as a Weapon

Scripture makes it clear that our tongue typically leads us to conflict in many forms, such as:

1. Reckless words (Proverbs 12:18)
2. Grumbling and complaining (Phil. 2:14; James 5:9)
3. Falsehood (Proverbs 24:28; 2 Corinthians 4:2)
4. Gossip (Proverbs 16:28; 26:20; 2 Corinthians 12:20)
5. Slander (Leviticus 19:16; Titus 2:3)
6. Worthless talk (Ephesians 4:29; Matthew 12:36)

Controlling Others

When this aspect is what one struggles with, it is more likely than not that they will get into conflict with another. This shows in self-serving actions, like gaining something or becoming more influential at the expense of another. When selfish motives drive us to tell other people what to do, regardless of what they think, we have succumbed to this sin.

Failing to Respect Authority

When we recognize that the various positions of authority that exist have been providentially established by God, it becomes dangerous territory to outright reject their authority over your lives because those authorities do not have any inherent power, but delegated power. God does hold people in positions of authority accountable for how they exercise this given authority, but it is our responsibility to obey them, unless they call for a blatant act of sin to be committed (Acts 4:18-19; 5:29). We must do our part in following our leaders, and even if we’re uncomfortable with a certain task, we do it in service of the Lord and leave the results to Him, knowing He will hold all leaders accountable for how they led.

Forgetting the Golden Rule

Given in Matthew 7:12, to fall short of treating people the way you would like to be treated is a violation of this simple yet difficult command.

Serving Sinful Desires

“[D]estructive conflict is usually caused by unmet desires that have gained control over our hearts” (p.125). These idols include:

1. Improper desires for physical pleasure (1 John 2:15-17; cf. Galatians 5:16-21; Ephesians 4:19).
2. Pride and the desire to always be right (Proverbs 8:13; 2 Corinthians 5:12; James 3:14; 1 John 2:15-17).
3. Love of money or other material possessions (1 Timothy 6:10; Ephesians 5:5; Matthew 6:24; Luke 12:16-21; 27-31; Acts 5:1-3).
4. Fear of man (Proverbs 29:25; Luke 12:4-5).
5. Good things that we want too much.

The Seven A’s of Confession

The freedom we possess by God’s grace is the liberating power of confessing our sins primarily to God, and then to others. “If you really want to make peace, ask God to help you breathe grace by humbly and thoroughly admitting your wrongs” (p.126). This can be helped by making use of the seven A’s:

1. Address Everyone Involved
2. Avoid If, But, and Maybe
3. Admit Specifically
4. Acknowledge the Hurt
5. Accept the Consequences
6. Accept Your Behavior
7. Ask for Forgiveness

You Can Change

1. God is eager to help us to grow and change (Philippians 1:6, 2:13; Romans 8:28-29; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11; 2 Peter 1:4)
2. Pray (Psalm 139:23-24; Philippians 1:9-11; Colossians 1:9-12)
3. Delight yourself in the Lord (Ezekiel 36:25-26; Psalm 37:4; Matthew 5:3-13)
4. Study (Romans 8:6-8; 12:1-2; 1 Corinthians 2:9-16; Ephesians 1:17-19; 4:22-24; Philippians 1:9-11; Colossians 1:9-12)
5. Practice (Philippians 4:9; 1 Corinthians 9:24-27; 2 Peter 1:4-8)