by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz
Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.
Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15)
Our words either build up or tear down. It demonstrates the right use or the wrong use of our speech, specifically as it reflects the character of our God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who knew how to speak. Being called to speak truth to each other in love requires work, and preparation to be able to do so in hostile and not-so hostile situations. In this chapter, Ken Sande helps us toward building up while speaking up in a loving manner.
Bring Hope through the Gospel
Our common tendency when we see someone make a mistake is to correct them by pointing out what they did wrong. We make them aware of the standard they fell short of, hoping they won’t do so in the future. That is the mentality of bringing the Law to them. This is completely opposed to what is modeled for us by Christ and His Gospel message. As redeemed sinners, our lives are not to focus solely on the Law, but to remember the Gospel and let that influence and color the way we are with others in approaching them and gently restoring them.
To live lives of holiness, we must not only reflect the Gospel in our actions, but also in our speech. Every thing we do, we must do to glorify God (1 Cor. 10:31), not make God accept us by our efforts. That tends to bring judgment upon others, and that is not how the Christian life is seen: as one under judgment any longer. Now we have hope in the Gospel of Christ, who not only died, but rose again, and has promised His bride to raise us as well. We can now give hope not only to unbelievers in hearing the Gospel message, but also to believers, in reminding them of the hope we now have in Christ.
This will radically change our natural approach in coming up to a person and engage with them about their wrong. You no longer come as one over and above them, but as one who comes alongside, knowing their own temptations to sin, and being honest about that with them, so that you gain a hearing. It opens up communication, and also needed correction, possibly for both sides.
By focusing on the power of the Gospel to save as well as change us, it will bring more people in to see us as channels of grace, and not hydrants of condemnation. The starting place is in your own heart first, and a continued sense of the grace of God that must be evident in your life, before you can extend that to others. If you have not received God’s grace, you cannot extend God’s grace to others, especially when confronting others in a gentle way.
Be Quick to Listen
Another way you can have effective communication is how eager you show another in listening to them. You are not known as a lecturer, but a listener, one who is not afraid to learn something from another brother or sister, and grow together as believers on the same journey towards Christlikeness. It opens up opportunities for some sharpening to take place, and that primarily comes about by listening to each other in where you need to grow. Below are some ways you can show your quickness in listening to others. By:
- Waiting
- Attending
- Clarifying
- Reflecting
- Agreeing
The Tongue of the Wise Brings Healing
One final way to have effective communication is “the ability to speak to others in a clear, constructive, and persuasive manner” (p.170). Proverbs 12:18 is very applicable to this: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Here are a few skills/habits that would be good to implement in your life when communicating with another:
- Breathe grace
- Make charitable judgments
- Speak the truth in love
- Talk from beside, not from above
- Help others examine the desires of their hearts
- Choose the right time and place
- Talk in person whenever possible
- Engage rather than declare
- Communicate so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood
- Plan your words
- Use “I” Statements
- Be objective
- Use the Bible carefully
- Ask for feedback
- Offer solutions and preferences
- Recognize your limits
Most of these suggestions seem possible for anyone to adopt and use, and rightly so, but to do it the way God intended it requires a recognition that He has already done everything that could make it possible for you to do it in a way that pleases Him. He gives you new life and new desires when you come to faith in His Son Jesus Christ and leave the sum total of your sinful life. He also gives you the desire to live faithfully the new life that comes out of believing the Gospel. It’s a life of grace and humility that will seek the others’ interests above their own, and want to honor the God who made that available to them in this life. All of these suggestions find its best form in the life of a believer, and God wants us to extend that in our speech with one another. We do not focus solely on finding the right words to say, but to have the right motive behind it as well. The Gospel can change a man or woman to now live under grace, in true restored relationship with God, and also in truly growing relationships with those around us. These suggestions come from a heart filled with godly repentance and godly desire, and we should pray wholeheartedly to God that we grow in this direction. May God draw us closer to that end, and our churches be filled with people who gently restore one another not only within the body, but with our Head as well.