by Pastor Patrick Cho
Lately at Lighthouse, we have been engaging in some conversation about God-appointed roles in the church and home. Generally speaking, these discussions tend to revolve around gender. Is there a fundamental difference between men and women, or does God desire the complete equality of the genders even at an economic/functional level? While these discussions are important, we must not forget that the reversal of biblical roles is something that is going to be rebelled against at any level – not just between genders.
One arena where the assignment of biblical roles is constantly being threatened is in the home. But this threat is not merely between husband and wife. The battle for authority also rages between parents and children. I’m assuming that most people would agree that parents have authority over their children and are called to bring them up to maturity. However, practically it seems the roles are often reversed. Parents are constantly giving in to their children’s demands. Children are manipulative towards their parents and assume the place of authority in the home. Kids assert their wills to eat when they want, sleep when they want, play when they want. They fight to get their way at all costs. Strangely, we still call this parenting because the kids are generally taken care of – they eat, sleep, and have shelter. “Besides,” we reason to ourselves, “kids will be kids, right?” The sad reality is that even though kids are being watched after, “parenting” is not happening.
Colossians 3:20 states, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” The Bible teaches that children are to obey their parents, and not vice versa. From infancy, children are going to test these limits and cross the boundaries. I’ll never forget the various ways our baby girl attempted to bend rules and flirt with boundaries. We would tell her not to cross a certain line onto the tile floor. So what would she do? She would come as close as possible to the line without crossing over. Sometimes she would put her hand on the tile wondering if she could get away with it if the rest of her body remained behind the line. Once, she even put a book on the tile and sat on the book as if to say, “Hey, at least I’m not technically on the tile.”
In the home, children are constantly going to fight to gain as much authority as possible. They will do this through flattery, manipulation, tantrums, and blatant rebellion. Every parent knows this frustration, but many do not seek consistently to correct it. Parents give in to their children’s will in order to keep them quiet, not cause a scene, or spare embarrassment, and time and again children win the battle for authority.
What is much needed in the home is a movement back to biblical priorities. Children need to be instructed in the ways of God to understand the authority of their parents. And that instruction needs to be promoted and supported by helpful reinforcement and healthy discipline. Children simply don’t have the knowledge, wisdom, or experience to assume the authority in the home (though they often think of themselves as more mature than they really are). This order, however, is not only necessary for the health of the child, but for the glory of God. Parents need to remember what is really at stake. When children are taught and trained to obey their parents and submit to their authority, it is pleasing to the Lord.
What is encouraging for all parents is that it is never too late to start. Perhaps there is a pattern in the home of succumbing to the demands of your children. It isn’t too late to help your kids understand that greater structure, rules, and order are going to be implemented. Those rules will probably be tested, but with consistent application children can learn to submit to their parents and even do this with joy.
More than anything, we need to pray for the hearts of our children. Really what this comes down to is the manifestation of their sin nature. Children are little sinners doing what they are innately programmed to do. What they need is God’s saving grace to transform their hearts so that they can desire the things the Lord desires for them. Thankfully, the Lord often uses the spiritual example of godly parents. When things are difficult or frustrating with your children, persevere to show them patient, gracious, and loving authority. Lord-willing, they will see the example of their parents and will come to desire the same relationship with the Savior that their parents have.
Editor’s Note: Patrick was inspired by some previous articles by Al Mohler, and asked that the links be included: