by Matt Zhang
In GraceLife, we recently discussed Chapter 8, titled “Resolving Conflict,” from Wayne Mack’s Preparing for Marriage God’s Way. As members of Lighthouse, we know that our church takes conflict resolution, AKA peacemaking, very seriously. However, this is not just because of potential division or strife that may arise in the church. Our church takes conflict resolution seriously because God does: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom. 12:18). In order to have a God honoring relationship between two sinners, peacemaking must be a priority. Since marriage is the closest relationship possible between a man and a woman, a God glorifying marriage is not possible without peacemaking.
Since conflict resolution is vital to a healthy marriage, Pastor Patrick went over the 4 G’s in the context of marriage in GraceLife. For those of you unfamiliar with the 4 G’s, they are a mnemonic device for the following statements that are a helpful and practical guide to peacemaking:
- Glorify God
- Get the log out of your own eye
- Gently restore
- Go and be reconciled.
Working through the 4 G’s when personal conflicts arise has been an extremely helpful tool for me. It outlines the path of peacemaking, keeping me on track when my sinful heart attempts to lead me down the destructive path of arguing, self-pity, frustration, and bitterness. From first hand experience, I have seen that the latter path often leaves a couple feeling distant, resentful and hurt. In order to avoid this, there are two important themes that we must keep in mind during the peacemaking process.
The single most important aspect of the peacemaking process must be to glorify God. It allows us to have the right perspective when conflicts arise and it is the foundation for the other three G’s. Disagreements turn into conflicts when our greatest desire is not to honor and please God, but to be right. A good question to ask ourselves in order to steer our hearts in the direction of glorifying God is: Do I care more about being right than doing what God says is right? Sin, such as our pride, often blinds us from seeing our faults and causes us to only focus on how much we’ve been wronged. It is only when we prayerfully seek God’s help to put off our pride and to put on humility that the situation can cease to be about ourselves and our glory, and begin to rightfully be about God and glorifying Him in the midst of conflict. Glorifying Him should be our greatest desire, not winning the argument.
Secondly, both confrontation and reconciliation in peacemaking should be done with and out of love for our wives. When we confront one another about sin, it must be done in a loving and gracious manner so that it may lead to repentance and restoration (Gal. 6:1). Husbands, we are specifically called to love our wives as Christ loved the church (Eph 5:25-27). Christ gave Himself up for the church so that He might sanctify her. In the same way, we should lovingly and graciously pursue sanctification with our wives by seeking to gently restore them in the midst of conflict. There are many ways we can do this for our wives: through our tone, choice of words, remembering to affirm and encourage her, and even considering the best timing to confront her. Confronting our wives should be done out of love for wives as we seek to pursue their sanctification. Our love for our wives should also cause us to pursue reconciliation. God pursued reconciliation with us by sending His Son to die on the cross because of His great love for us. The reconciliation to God we have received through the work of Christ should cause us to seek to be at peace with all men, especially the woman you’re married to. Through reconciliation, a marriage relationship can be restored and even made stronger than before.
It is only through our love for God which compels us to glorify Him, as well as our love for one another, that we can pursue the peacemaking that is necessary in a marriage relationship. It makes sense that loving God and his people are the greatest commandments for Christians (Matt. 22:37-40). If we are struggling to resolve conflict in our marriage or any relationship, we must examine whether we are obeying God’s greatest commandment, as it is the foundation of peacemaking. It is only then that a married couple can be the team God has called us to be and spur one another on to grow in faith and holiness. Whether we are married or not, let us seek to love God and love people in all things, including peacemaking.