by Andrea Vigil-Ruiz, Kristen Lim, and Jenna Kim

Introduction

• What does friendship look like between girls?
• What does it look like between boys and girls?
• How do you handle jealousy or the tendency to compare yourself to others?
• How do you know if you are judging another person, even though you may look like you aren’t on the outside?
• Do you have to talk to someone who is on the quieter side or is “socially awkward”?

These were just some of the questions that the Lumos female staff discussed with the Lumos girls. During the Lumos winter retreat, the female staff was given the opportunity to use a biblical perspective to have a more in-depth conversation with the youth girls about these various issues, along with issues that we, as female staff, thought were most pertinent to the youth girls’ current stage of life.

Four Issues Girls Must Face

Issue #1: Friendship with Guys

What does true biblical friendship look like with male Christians? 1 Timothy 5:1 is helpful in explaining how we, as ladies, are supposed to view the opposite gender. Taking a look at various verses in Proverbs 5 and 7, we get a picture of how a godly girl DOES NOT act with boys. Romans 14:13-23 is a helpful passage that reminds us that we ought to seek to build up and edify one another. If we call ourselves Christians, boys are just as much our brothers, as other girls are our sisters. It is important to remember our status in relation to who God is: that we are all redeemed sinners, regardless of whether we are male or female. As a result of that common ground and the common goal of living our lives to bring glory to God, we should be looking out for one another’s spiritual wellness and make sure that we are an encouragement to others rather than being stumbling blocks. Hebrews 10:24 explains that believers are called to stir one another up toward love and good words, without respect to genders (like most of the “one another” commands of Scripture).

Issue #2: Partiality

Another common issue is how to be a friend (or even friendly) to those who may be difficult to love because of various reasons (i.e. not talkative, “socially awkward,” inconvenient, unkind, etc.). We must use a biblical standard when it comes to loving others, rather than our own standard since that can stem from sinful sources within our hearts. First, look at Proverbs 17:17 and then at Matthew 26:47-50. Using Christ as our example of loving those who may be difficult to love, namely Judas Iscariot, we see how if Christ was able to love the person who He knew would betray Him, then how much more should we be able to love those who we think are difficult or hard to love.

Also, what standards do we use when we label people as difficult or hard to love? Truthfully, we use our own criteria to label others. But, if we call ourselves believers, we should not be using our own standards to measure others, especially since we have the Word of God as the final and ultimate authority. With these thoughts in mind, we can determine whether our friendships have been mirroring God’s commandment to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40).

Issue #3: Judging

One of the biggest enemies of healthy friendships is having a heart characterized by judgment. For the purposes of this article, let’s define judgment as not only forming negative conclusions about another person, but as looking down on them because of it.

This attitude can be traced back to two facets of our sinfulness: pride and selfishness. Pride craves the feeling of superiority found in maximizing others’ faults and minimizing one’s own; selfishness prioritizes one’s own ego above others’ spiritual states.

However, as followers of Christ, we are called to emulate His example by putting off pride and selfishness and putting on humility. This does not mean acting like everything anyone does is fine, but remembering that everyone’s sin and weaknesses are different, and that we are in the same boat of desperately needing God’s grace. This is expressed through love. Instead of disgust, there is an overriding desire to see someone right with God. Ultimately, everyone is either a believer struggling in the fight against sin and to live for God’s glory, or an unbeliever with no eternal hope or purpose and is on his way to Hell and in need of the gospel. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle of some sort, so be kind. Jesus came to save sinners all across the spectrum. Am I above God in being worthy of withholding compassion where He did not? Like the parable’s forgiven servant, I have been undeservedly forgiven much (cf. Matt. 18:21-35; Luke 7:36-50). It only makes sense to follow suit.

So, take a step back and see where you might be tempted to be judgmental. Remember the gospel and instead approach friends with gentle honesty instead of harsh criticism. Refuse to perpetuate gossip in situations in which you are not a part of the problem’s solution, and to deal with authority figures with teachability and winsome suggestions instead of whiny attitudes. In the end, situations like these are opportunities to remember and honor God’s hand at work in your own life and the lives of those around you.

Issue #4: Envy

Another looming poison of a thriving friendship is envy, defined as the resentful awareness of advantage enjoyed by another person, often leading to coveting. Envy is a sin that must be taken seriously since it can lead to conflict (James 4:1-2).

Envy finds its source in pride and discontentment in God’s gracious providence in your life. This characteristic reveals a lack of trust in God’s goodness and questions His perfect will. Psalm 73 explores this tension of comparing one’s life with others’ and the transformation that occurs when abiding in God. The psalmist initially complains that the wicked and arrogant seem to prosper and enjoy many blessings, and he pities himself for his lowly lot in life. But then he discerned that those thoughts were foolish and ignorant to the reality of the great honor and hope that he has in being God’s child; the proper response to tasting God’s mercy and grace is worshipful submission and joy.

“Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever…But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works.” (Psalm 73:25-26,28)

We can learn from the psalmist of Psalm 73 and turn our eyes to the truth of who God is by marinating our hearts in God’s promises found in Scripture. When you have set your mind on the wonderful, undeserved love of God, you will brim with thankfulness, leaving no room for envy to dwell.

Have you considered that God placed this really talented and gifted friend in your life for a reason? There is no mistake about it. God is using that person as an instrument to slay down your pride and reveal the sin of envy residing in your heart. As you realize how far you fall short in measuring up to this person’s resume, take it as a reminder that you cannot place your identity or worth in abilities, talents, goodness, or works. It is only by God’s grace that you are saved from His wrath and given eternal life.

It is also important to remember that God is the giver of all good things, and so He deserves the glory and praise for the blessings that people enjoy. He sovereignly ordained your friend to have a knack for cooking delicious meals, or for your neighbor to possess many things, or allowing the person sitting next to you to have a funny personality. These people are merely stewards, called to be of service to others and be generous with what God has gifted them with. Rather than being envious, you can be thankful that God has given people opportunities to utilize their gifts and talents for the purpose of showing His love to the world.

Conclusion

The breakout session for the girls during retreat was an enriching time of digging through God’s word, challenging us to think biblically in forming convictions and persevere in fighting sins that impede God’s will for our relation to people. An increasing fear and love for God, and understanding the depths of the gospel transform everything about a person and aligns friendships to be joy-filled and God-glorifying, just the way God intended. We hope that your appetites were piqued to be grounded in God’s truth, to think through these issues (and future inquiries) biblically, and pray to God for wisdom and strength to live accordingly.