by Pastor John Kim
Greetings to the LBC family and friends!!
Jonathan Edwards Resolution #46
Resolved, never to allow the least measure of any fretting uneasiness at my father or mother. Resolved to suffer no effects of it, so much as in the least alteration of speech, or motion of my eye: and to be especially careful of it with respect to any of our family.
Family relations are always challenging and as Christians, we are called to be different so as not to be conformed to the world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds by the truth of God so that our relationships might reflect the reality of Christ’s lordship over every area of our life. The most difficult relationships seem to be those within the family and the parent/child relationship is especially one that many would struggle with, even as they grow older.
The idea of fretting uneasiness seems to encompass two ideas – one of an anxiety or worry toward or regarding issues with parents. The other would be a discomfort or difficulty in having an agreeable heart attitude toward your parents. There are so many ways in which someone can have interaction with their parents that would elicit anxiety or discomfort that often times it leads to conflicts that drive a deep wedge in the relationship and the ensuing interactions are affected to the point where what we say and how we look at them reflect a heart that is not in peace or exercising Christian love.
How often do we allow the tone of our voice to become harsh or critical toward parents when we feel like they are intruding in our lives? Does your blood pressure start to rise when you see that phone number on your caller ID, anticipating the conversation to be one that you have already determined to be unwelcomed and bothersome? Do family gatherings always bring a sense of resentment, even bitterness for the obligation and duty that are often pushed upon you?
This goes even further to extended family members, whether siblings, or other relatives. For those of us with large extended families, there can be blessings but there can also be a greater sense of anxiety and stress because of the multiple possibilities of trouble brewing.
I have found that there are a few things that have helped me with this:
1. Honor your father and mother (Deuteronomy 5:16) as the Lord your God has commanded you. As we grow older we are no longer going to be under their authority in the same way when we were young children but we are still called to honor them with a respectful heart of appreciation that would be a blessing to them. This is not necessarily easy to do, nor is it something that will always be acknowledged by your parents. But it is an issue that really relates to you seeking God’s glory through honoring His commands and in knowing that His approval is what is your greatest desire. There are too many people who have not honored their parents and you can tell through the “alteration in speech” or “motion of my eye” – there is often a very clear disrespectful tone, one of defiance, one of arrogance, one of disgust. Have you ever spoken to your parents in such a tone? You might feel justified with your behavior because your parents maybe haven’t been very affirming or very encouraging toward you throughout your life. You might feel like they are never satisfied, that they are always critical and comparing you to others. You might have even been abused growing up and so you might always be tense around them, even as an adult. But all these reasons are not enough to give you an excuse to not obey this command. It is and always will be a heart issue that YOU choose to exercise, even despite how you have been treated and will continue to be treated. But this will be one way in which you can be a great testimony, so that they can see the light of Christ in your life in such a clear way that they won’t be able to deny that something is different about you.
2. Practice the peacemaker pledge with them when facing conflict. For those who are members, you should already know this – the 4 G’s:
- Glorify God
- Get the log out of your own eye
- Gently confront
- Go and be reconciled
God’s glory needs to always come first. It’s not about your rights or their problems but about how you can honor the greatness of God and testify as to its priority in your life. This will be immediately tested as we are called to humble ourselves and take responsibility for our own contributions to the conflict, no matter how small it might be in comparison to what we perceive to be the problems our parents might have. It will be further revealed whether you are walking in the Spirit (Galatians 5) as to the way in which you confront, whether you are exhibiting gentleness in how you confront (for a further explanation on what it means to have gentle and quiet spirit, see this article). When we have conflicts, we need to be resolved that we would do everything in our power to seek reconciliation. It doesn’t mean that the other party will be cooperative and you might never reach a point where things are resolved and reconciled but before God we should have done our part to accomplish it.
Too many family conflicts stay unresolved because God’s glory is not primary. There is a lack of humility and an unwillingness to take the risks needed in order to step forward in dealing with problems.
3. Pray and have a thankful heart. It might be easy to just point out the faults of our parents and all the ways in which they might fall short. But we can still look to be thankful, even for the simple things that relate to them as parents. We can thank God for how He brought us into the world through our parents, for their provision and care, for their protection and oversight, as imperfect as it might have been. We can thank God that through our parents we were able to learn the lessons of life, whether it was in a positive or negative way. We can thank God that we even have a relationship with our parents as there are many who have never met their parents, much less had a relationhip with them. We can thank God that through our parents we have been challenged to consider the purpose of life as they might have directly or indirectly influenced us to pursue certain paths. For those with Christian parents, you can thank God that He graciously provided for you in that way so that you might have Christ presented to you at home. For those with non-Christian parents, you can still thank God and all the more have mercy toward them as they don’t know Christ and if anything, be understanding as to why they don’t understand you as a Christian for their hearts and minds have been darkened and they are not able to comprehend the truth. But you have been given mercy so that you might show mercy to them and be a light of the glory of Christ to them.
Our families are blessings from God. You will only have them for a time so don’t let opportunities go wasted. Especially be careful of your tone of voice or the looks that you give – they communicate a lot more than you might realize. Instead, let your voice and your demeanor reflect the glorious love of our Savior, who saved us, and continues to save us from our sinfulness and enables us through the power of the Holy Spirit to shower others, especially our family members, with His grace and mercy so that they might experience His love.
Give your parents a call this weekend and say hi.
In His grace,
Pastor John