by Pastor Patrick Cho

On Sunday mornings at Lighthouse, we have been walking through a biblical understanding of marriage. I hope it has been a helpful series and that whether you are married or single, you would live as a man or woman who seeks to honor Christ by being the man or woman He calls you to be. One of the specific topics we covered was the abuse of headship and the sin of being harsh towards your spouse. Specifically for husbands, godly leadership requires gentleness and tender affection (cf. Eph. 5:28-29; 1 Pet. 3:7). There is no biblical warrant for treating one’s spouse with harshness.

The call to biblical headship does not mean you can demean or insult your wife. It doesn’t mean your wife is a doormat for you to tread over. The position of biblical headship does not permit you to manipulate, use, or control your wife. Before her call to submit to you, she has been called to submit to her Lord and Savior. She should be expected to come alongside you to help you, even if that means lovingly and graciously correcting you and calling out sin in your life. Of course, wives can also be harsh towards their husbands. By the grace of God, Scripture is sufficient to walk us through repentance. What does this look like?

Whether you have a habit of harshness towards your spouse or you are looking to turn from a single instance, here are some steps to help you respond in a God-honoring way:

1. Confess your sin to God.

• Understand that your sin is first and foremost offensive to God’s holiness.
• Sadly, we are often more at ease confessing our sins to a holy God than to other sinners.
• Bear in mind that prolonged, unrepentant sin may be a sign of unbelief. In light of ongoing unrepentant sin, it is important to evaluate whether or not you are in the Lord.
• Stop making excuses for yourself. Stop blaming others. Stop blaming your past. Own your sin and confess it honestly, thoroughly, specifically, and humbly.

2. Confess your sin to your spouse.

• This is about being a biblical peacemaker.
• For the glory of Christ, get the log out of your own eye (Matt. 7:3-5).
• It is important that you see your sin for what it is. Cultivate a heart to hate what God hates.
• You may have developed a pattern of telling your spouse that he or she is the real problem in your marriage. Even if your spouse has issues that need to be addressed, it does not justify your harsh treatment of them.
• Show your spouse that you can own your faults. That can instill hope in the relationship.

3. Confess your sin to others.

• This isn’t about shaming you and exposing your faults. It is about getting the help and accountability that you desperately need. Sin loves to remain in the dark, but we are called to be children of light (Eph. 5:8, 11).
• Do you feel guilty about the way you treat your spouse? Or do you feel justified?
• Don’t allow your sin to remain hidden. Talk to a church leader, a small group leader, or an accountability partner. Be sure to talk to someone who will treat your sin seriously.
• Watch out for a heart of self-preservation.

4. Get good accountability.

• Consider seeking biblical counseling through the church or an outside counselor.
• Especially if this is a consistent sin that has persisted for some time or if it has caused significant damage to your relationship, do not continue living as if you have the strength to stand alone.
• The Lord has given the church to one another as a gift of grace. This is one of the reasons He calls us into a body.

5. Study passages of Scripture about anger, oppression, gentleness, humility, self-control, and love.

• Get in the Word. Let your mind be bathed in Scripture. Know clearly and specifically what God thinks of your sin and how He expects you as His child to respond to it.
• Understand better what God’s will is for your life. Remember that ultimately you are living not for yourself or your spouse or your marriage, but in obedience to Him because He is God.
• Consider walking through good books addressing the topic of anger and abuse. Do this with your accountability partner.

6. Develop good habits.

• The process of sanctification often involves putting off sinful thinking, behavior, and speech, and replacing it with what is Spirit-filled, God-glorifying, and edifying to others (Eph. 4:22-24).
• Put off the poisoning speech of harshness and instead affirm your spouse. Use your tongue to build up and not tear down (Eph. 5:29).
• Instead of complaining about how your spouse fails to meet your expectations, give of yourself and serve your spouse.
• Practice dying to yourself. This is understandably difficult in application. Learn to give up “you” time to spend with your spouse. Convince her that your marriage is a priority to you.
• Get in the habit of talking about spiritual things – what you are reading, learning, being challenged in, etc. One practical way is to talk through the Sunday sermon during lunch after church. You can do this alone, as a couple, or with others.
• Pray daily with your spouse (not counting meal times).

7. Serve in the church.

• The heart of harsh or abusive treatment of others is self-centered pride.
• Turn away from that sin – call it what it is, hate it, and purge it from you.
• Replace it with a love to God and to others.
• Self-orientation can be replaced with God-orientation and others-orientation (Matt. 22:37-40).
• Serving others with a right attitude is a practical way to show biblical love and to take your heart’s focus away from yourself (Phil. 2:3-4).

8. Rest in the hope of Christ.

• Trust in God’s forgiveness.
• Believe that the Spirit can cause you to change.
• Hope in the fact that your marriage can be sweet and beautiful.
• By loving your spouse the way God calls you to love him or her, it may motivate your wife to submit to your lead more willingly and joyfully, or your husband to lead with greater godliness and love.
• Keep in mind that you and your spouse will not be perfect through this process. There will be setbacks, backsliding, and stumbling, but don’t lose heart. Trust that God is working it out in His time and plan.

Remember that we can’t do this on our own. Our hearts are naturally inclined to rebel. We need the gospel and the Spirit of God to transform us. But in Christ, we can think differently and live differently. Do you know Jesus? Do you trust Him? Whether you are married or single, male or female, you need Jesus. Pray that the Lord would be gracious to bring about this change in you (before focusing on how your spouse or others need to change), patiently waiting on Him to strengthen your bond.