Category Archives: Affinity Groups

Marriage Check Up: Session 5

by Ryan and Stephanie McAdams

Working through the same book we used for our premarital counseling, Preparing for Marriage God’s Way, we recently discussed the fifth chapter, “Your Most Important Relationship,” which inquires about the subject’s relationship with God and his Word. For all of the consideration we gave about the quantity and regularity of our prayer times and Bible reading in answering the book’s questions, when it came time to discuss the chapter, Patrick asked us a simple question: Does it matter?

  • Does having a relationship with God matter in my marriage?
  • Does the illumination of God’s word that the Holy Spirit grants me affect my life?
  • Does Jesus’s work on the cross change how I make decisions, even in how I would eat and drink?

Of course, we all knew that we should have an answer of “Yes” to these questions, but each of us also understood how easily we can pay lip service to the challenges without effecting any actual response in our lives. So, in addition to answering the question “Does it matter?” we also tackled the question of “How?”

  • How does knowing God matter in spending my money?
  • In educating my children?
  • In discipline?
  • In conflict and resolution?

Ultimately, Biblical principles should shape each aspect of my life, and influence every decision I make, to the point that I should not simply succumb to the currents of the culture (what we call default thinking) in any situation. Even if my final decision on a matter matches everybody else’s, God’s word must saturate the route I take to arrive at that conclusion. Answering these questions at that practical level both served to help me consider future decisions and expose the shortcomings and inconsistencies in my family’s daily life.

As an example, take a decision about a place to live. All sorts of people will have all sorts of opinions about how to decide each individual question that arises from this decision (e.g. rent or buy, how large, where), but God’s word can direct every answer. Verses like Hebrews 10:24-25 instruct me to prioritize participation in the church body, so the location of the home must facilitate that. Verses like Philippians 2:4 encourage me to use the home to serve others, which will affect the size, location, cost, and a whole host of other considerations for the search for the place to live. In fact, although 2 Timothy mentions that God has authored each verse in the Bible, and that each verse has immense instructional value, I find that Philippians 2:3-4 can and should bear in any decision-making I undertake.

Suffice it to say, if I always acted from Biblical principle, I would be a kinder husband, a wiser father, a harder worker. But this exercise of identifying a concrete issue and working through the implications of knowing God upon the issue helps me take deliberate measures to act as a Christian in a fallen world. It helps me answer questions like “Should I vaccinate my child?” and “Should I wear leggings?” (for me, the answer is absolutely not!) and even questions with as much nuance as “How do I school my child?” or “How often should my wife and I set aside time for ourselves?”

God has called for his followers to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world and his Word instructs us how to live as such. Motivations drive the actions of a person, and the Bible touches the motivations for every decision a person can make. Biblical motivations fly in the face of the natural selfish bent of every man, and so naturally, the behavior of Christians should stand in stark opposition to the world around them. Does following Jesus matter in marriage? In life? Yes. It changes everything.

Singles Recap – Gently Restoring in Conflict Situations

by Marina Hayes

Have you ever been in a  conflict situation where just overlooking an offense is not enough or where a situation calls for restoration? Did you find yourself asking the question, “How can I lovingly serve others by helping them to take responsibility?”

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” (Gal 6:1)

The key verb in this verse is “restore”. The definition is to repair or make amends with something; it carries the idea of setting a broken bone, or repairing a dislocated limb. The world doesn’t practice restoration; they tend to confront people, get it off their chest to feel better, and leave it at that. But our concern is not to feel good about ourselves, or say our piece. Our goal is to bring that person back to Christ, and to restore this relationship is to make that person whole again. The heart issue of every conflict is sin and prolonged conflicts always boil down to sin.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.” (James 4 :1-2)

Whether it is pride, self-centeredness or malice, God calls us to help other believers see their sin. When we think of restoring a broken bone, it is not enough for a doctor to just diagnose it and omit offering any healing or solution to it. That is akin to confrontation without the restoration process.

Process of gently restoring is outlined in Scripture:

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” (Matt 18:15-20)

First, the conflict reconciliation process should start with just two people. Conflict is initially addressed at the most fundamental level and involves as few people as possible. Where there is a sin issue that is too important to be overlooked we ought to talk to that person in humility and gentleness.

If they are not willing to reconcile, the Bible gives us step two: to take one or two more people with us. This is not a brand new idea to the New Testament; Deut. 18:15 speaks of settling an offense with witnesses. We involve other people to ensure that the process is Biblical, there is no partiality, and wisdom is being poured out in that situation. This is not for the purpose of ganging up on that person. The type of people that we should consider bringing to this situation are mutual friends, church leaders, godly and respected individuals, people that the conflicting parties both trust and respect. However, we often never get to this step. The main reason that prevents us is the fear of involving other people. There should be no shame of going to somebody for the purpose of resolving a conflict. On the contrary, it shows that we care for that person and that we are serious about being obedient to God’s word and being a peacemaker. The church leaders are not so worried about the problems that they do know of; they are more worried about those that they don’t know of.

If the situation is still not resolved and the person is not willing to reconcile and repent, then we move to the next step. We bring this issue to the church. When we find ourselves in this situation we understand that this is not a form of punishment. We are not tattling on the person, or trying to shame or ridicule them. We are pursuing restoration. Members can appeal to the person and pray for that person. The church is a family. When somebody in the family is in conflict and not speaking with one another, it affects the entire family. The sin between two believers can affect us all. And when one of our family members is in sin, we talk to them, plead with them and pray for them. It is not different with the church family. Bringing the issue to the entire church may seem harsh and embarrassing, but in reality nothing could be more loving.

The church has authority of restoring believers. The church has authority to settle material conflicts as well.

“If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers! The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters.” (1 Cor 6:1-8)

Since the root of all conflicts is sin, conflicts are a spiritual problem. Rather than court, we should try to settle our conflict within the church.

If that fails, the final step is treating the unrepentant person as an unbeliever. This is not saying that this person is in fact an unbeliever or became an unbeliever. Only God knows the heart. But we are to treat that person as an unbeliever. This is still part of the restoration process. It is done out of love and a desire to see that person restored. Through the church discipline we can help them realize the seriousness of their sin. It serves as a reminder to share the gospel with them. If they are not believers, then they have a chance to hear the gospel again. As harsh as it sounds, this act is still part of gentle restoration. It is not to punish the person, or get rid of him, but a hope that they eventually will come to their senses.

Next time we are in a conflict situation, let’s remember that God takes conflicts seriously. He gives us very specific instruction on how He wants us to deal with conflict. These are not just some unattainable, theoretical ideas. This is His will for every believer.

Counseling the Depressed (Part 2)

by Roger Alcaraz

In my last article, I introduced us to the problem of depression and some treatments that may help, but focused primarily on the symptoms and not the root issue. But if we want to truly help someone have victory over it, we must address the underlying problem. Imagine a tree that is planted in shallow soil just above hard dirt so that it cannot take root firmly. Eventually, the wind comes and blows the tree over. The question then could be asked, what caused the tree to fall over? To say the wind would be to ignore the condition of the tree and focus on the circumstances around the tree. The real problem is the tree’s roots because with such a shallow rooting, it could have been anything that caused the tree to fall: the wind, its own weight, an earthquake, and so forth. Therefore, the wind was arbitrary and should not be the focus of our attention.

The Christian Counselor’s Medical Desk Reference defines depression as “a persistent mood that is characterized by intense feeling of inadequacy, sadness, hopelessness, pessimism, irritability, apprehension, and a decreased interest in or ability to enjoy normal activity.” This mood must last at least two weeks before being considered as clinical depression. It is worth mentioning the definition to highlight some words such as mood, feeling, interest, ability to enjoy, all of which have to do with emotions, particularly dealing with contentment. It is not that a person is unable to perform certain actions, he just lacks the desire to and it will not bring fulfillment. This gets fleshed out as the symptoms already mentioned, but if a counselor is seeking to help a depressed person, he must focus on what caused the emotions.

Consider the Israelites for a moment. Numbers 11 reveals a nation who complains, and that is the extent of their sin, yet God responds severely, verse one says, “And the people complained in the hearing of the LORD about their misfortunes, and when the LORD heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the LORD burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp” (emphasis added). The Israelites complained because they were discontent in their situation. Many people try to make discontentment a respectable sin, but it is never seen that way in Scripture.

The Israelites are found grumbling again some chapters later in Numbers 21. Verse 5 records, “And the people spoke against God and against Moses, ‘Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we loathe this worthless food.’” Again, the only wrong the Israelites committed was complain to God, yet their judgment was similar to the time before—“Then the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people, so that many people of Israel died.”

It might seem strange to be focusing on these examples on discontentment in an article about depression, but I would argue that depression, at its root, is a discontent attitude toward God. Using the definition of depression mentioned before, depression is really being discontent with one’s situation such that it affects the outward emotions and behavior of a person over an extended period of time. In other words, depression is allowing one’s discontentment to rule over them.

There are times when it seems right to be discontent with life, such as a death in the family. We’re even called to mourn with those who mourn, indicating that there are times when it would be right to do so. However, this is not discontentment. Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13 that he can be content in all circumstances through Christ who strengthens him. This shows that discontentment does not equate to being distressed, burdened, or mournful since Jesus experienced both of these in the Garden of Gethsemane and he wept over Lazarus. Rather, discontentment is a heart attitude that disapproves of what God is doing and thus, is essentially blaspheming God. It is plain to see in Numbers that God was the one who freed the Israelites from the Egyptians and eventually had them wander in the wilderness for 40 years. God is clearly seen as the sovereign one who put them in their situation, so when they complain about their situation, they are really complaining against God and challenging His goodness. The second example is a bit more obvious since they complain about the food that God provides for them. Clearly, they are complaining against God in this case.

Many people become depressed because they feel like a victim of their circumstances when really they are the wrongdoers because of their response. The counselee must, therefore, take responsibility for their own actions. Instead of considering their trials as a curse, they must meditate on Philippians 1:29 and see his suffering as a “gift of grace” from God.

Because the person is responsible for their actions, he must put off wrong speaking such as “It is hopeless.” This discourages the work of God and it is a lie. Rather, he should focus on praising and thanking God for using this time to make him more like Christ. That is exactly what Paul expresses in Romans 8:28-29—that God works all things for the good of those who love him, to bring him to Christlikeness.

Anyone who has worked with people knows that change like this does not happen overnight. But there are helpful steps to begin with, the first of which is for the counselee to seek a deeper relationship with God. It is impossible for someone to be fully satisfied apart from God, so the counselor should promote this relationship to their counselee.

Part of the strength to the counselee’s relationship with God is the man’s honesty before God. Times of trials will come but the goal is not to get angry with God. That is not what is meant by honesty. Rather, it is that the counselee expresses their desperate desires to God in faith that he will provide. The attitude should resemble Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 who pleaded with the Lord in a time of heavy trials, but was content when the Lord did not remove the trials. Paul demonstrates crying out to God in a God honoring way. The plea can be desperate and even bold as seen by Paul’s repeated cry. But no matter the outcome, the person’s response needs to be the same—an inner gladness and contentment.

Another helpful instruction for the counselee is to learn to control the outworking of their emotions and even the emotions themselves. Many people believe emotions are beyond a person’s control, but that is a lie. In fact, a person becomes depressed after believing one lie after another and letting those be truth to him. A Christian ought to know how deceptive our hearts are (Jeremiah 17:9). The heart might even be the greatest liar, yet so many people think, “I feel sad and alone. Therefore, I must be alone.” That is also a lie. God promises the believer in His word, “By day the LORD commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me.” A counselee must be instructed to believe truth over a lie—that is, God’s word over feelings or an interpretation of a situation.

The counselor must also promote a far sighted vision within their counselee. Instead of focusing on what is happening at the moment, a counselee should try to envision the grand plan of it all. Joseph is a great example of someone who waited many years from the time that his brothers sold him into slavery until the time he was second in command in Egypt. He suffered through scorn, slavery, imprisonment, and eventually abandonment. Yet he was able to conclude at the end of it all, that what his brothers meant for evil, God meant it for the good of many. Eventually, everyone will see that all the evil that was done on earth was used by God for good, but the goal is to get the counselee to that understanding in the midst of their trials. To do that, they must develop a far-sighted vision.

Age of Opportunity: Chapter 5 – Know Them and Care for Them

“The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (Proverbs 20:5)

by Josh Liu

One of my biblical counseling professors has often exhorted his students that we not only need to faithfully exegete the Word of God, but we must also exegete people. In other words, we need to seek to know the people we minister to. Biblical wisdom must be applied appropriately and with discernment. Paul David Tripp touches on this principle.

To briefly review, I have been summarizing and expanding each chapter of Paul Tripp’s Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. Tripp has divided his book into three parts: (1) Clearing the Debris; (2) Setting Godly Goals; and (3) Practical Strategies for Parenting Teens. In Part One, Tripp confronted the secular and skewed attitude toward parenting. He sought to reclaim parenting to the glorious purpose of fulfilling God’s divine appointment of shepherding another soul through life, in and against the culture’s attitude of merely surviving those teen years. He challenged readers (parents) to examine idols (unbiblical, worldly, selfish expectations and goals) within their hearts for their children. He then examined “family” according to the Scripture, summarizing biblical anthropology and family community. This present chapter, Chapter Five: “Parents, Meet Your Teenager,” which concludes Part One (Clearing the Debris), highlights important reminders to keep when pursuing opportunities with teens. This can ultimately be expanded to seeking to know anyone you would counsel, witness to, and disciple.

Tripp begins by stating, “Effective parents of teenagers are people who are able to remember what it was like to live in the scary world of the teen years…. If parents fail to remember moments like this, if we fail to recognize how huge these events are to our teenagers, we will fail to take them seriously.” In other words, parents who trivialize teens’ struggles miss opportunities to shepherd their children toward Christ. Here are things to keep in mind when ministering to teens (or another person in general):

  • Deal with your own heart first (cf. Matt. 7:3-5)
  • Speak in the right place at the right time
  • Consider how you make biblical wisdom and correction appealing and desirable in your responses
  • Remember that counseling is not beating someone over the head with the “right answers”
  • Seek to come with honest questions, not accusations
  • Be ready to humbly and graciously respond to defensiveness or blame shifting
  • Patiently pursue when they distance themselves
  • Wisely engage; do not be characterized exclusively as a lecturer
  • Prayerfully trust in God to work in hearts

Tripp highlights common tendencies of teens for parents to remember and be sensitive to when ministering to their children, which, again, may be expanded to others in general:

  • A tendency toward legalism: Many reduce godly living to a set of do’s and don’ts. You need to communicate what it means to have a heart for God and for doing what is right.
  • A tendency to be unwise in their choice of companions: Do not resort to gossip and slander, but help them examine what biblical friendship is and looks like.
  • A susceptibility to sexual temptation: Tripp suggests teaching your children early and keeping the topic of relationships, intimacy, and temptation open.
  • An absence of eschatological presence: Many, particularly teens, live for the present moment (e.g. Y.O.L.O.). Challenge their pursuit of temporal (and vain) happiness, and direct them to eternal investments.
  • A lack of heart awareness: Help them expose spiritual blind spots to their own heart motivations, desires, expectations, thoughts, and feelings by asking heart-probing questions. Help them see what they truly value, and how that is impacting their choices.

The teenage years truly is an age of opportunity when one humbles himself before God, girds himself with Scripture, and faithfully shepherds his teenage children. It may be an overwhelming or daunting task, but these general principles and reminders may encourage you to prayerfully and powerfully bring the Word of God to every moment in life. As you seek to minister to others, draw out the heart with the Word of God.

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12)

A Day in the Life of a Sparklers’ Teacher

by Esther Cheng

If you’ve ever been to a flock group at Lighthouse, you’ve (hopefully) seen the flocks worksheet. There’s a question where it asks you to describe the sermon to a child in 1-2 sentences – which sounds like what we do for Sparklers! I’ve had the joy of being able to serve in the Sparklers’ ministry for the past two years, and I just wanted to share some insight as to what goes through my mind as I prepare a Sparklers’ lesson.

Just to give you some context (in case you’ve never observed a Sparklers’ class in action), all staff members are on rotation to teach and we present a 5-10 minute lesson to a group of 10+ preschool-age children.

Teach Accurately

We ought to rightly handle the Word of God. No matter the age of whom we are teaching the Word of God, we ought to prepare with care! At times, I even feel like sometimes I need to more deeply study the Word when teaching children, since it takes a thorough understanding of the passage to be able to find the right words to communicate it in simpler terms. With the Sparklers, it could be easy to think that they just want to play during lesson time, but they are listening! What they remember and their level of comprehension surprise me sometimes – and all the more, I am reminded to be aware of what I teach them.

Teach Specifically

With kids, we have to teach in a way that they can understand and would be helpful for them. For example – I could tell them all the details of the building of the tabernacle; however, with the kids’ short attention spans, it can be easy to lose sight of the forest for the trees. A good question to keep in mind would be: “What should the kids take away from the lesson?” The Bible is thorough in its descriptions, but I have to focus on what would help the children understand the character of God more. When reading passages from the Bible, there may be words and concepts that are challenging for them to grasp, so we teachers have to be thoughtful about the illustrations and the words that we use to describe and explain what the Bible says.

Teach Historically

In Sparklers, we teach lessons of things that happened in history – moments that are not just fictional stories, but actual, historical, documented events in the Bible. This is something that we’ve been trying to emphasize lately, and although it sounds simple enough, it’s something that even we as teachers must remember and reflect upon. Having grown up with Bible stories myself, it can be easy to lump Biblical narratives with your everyday bedtime story, instead of seeing each Bible lesson’s characters as real people that God worked through. With events as intense as the ten plagues, it can be easier for me to visualize the Prince of Egypt movie instead of an actual devastating plague. As I read through the Bible to prepare my lesson, I need to take time to pause and meditate on the Word to dwell on the character of God revealed through these historical events; we ought to be God-centered in what we teach. This was pretty different from what I remembered growing up, since too often were the characters in the lessons championed as the heroes (whether it be Moses, David, etc.). When I teach now, I have to remember that they were people who the Lord our God used throughout history in His sovereign plan.

No matter how well I prepare a lesson, only the Lord can work in the childrens’ hearts. I could have the most animated expressions, the best illustrations, the best vocal impressions… and even so, it is only the Lord who works in their hearts. All the more do I need to depend on God for wisdom and patience, seeing these teaching times as precious opportunities to share the Gospel with kids!

Marriage Check Up: Session 4

by Ivan and Nancy Cheng

Marriage is not just a covenant relationship between a man and a woman, but actually two families coming together. In Grace Life, we recently covered the chapter “God’s Blueprint for Marriage” from Preparing for Marriage God’s Way by Wayne Mack. An important concept to consider is how your individual family backgrounds would affect your marriage. It would be valuable to discuss the similarities and differences between your families, personality features of your mothers and fathers, family values, views about responsibilities and roles of the husband/father and wife/mother, and the impact your family background has on you positively and negatively. Even In-law relationships can affect how two independent lives merge into a one-flesh relationship.

We read two narratives from the Bible to discern what characteristics make a good in-law relationship.

  • Exodus 18 describes Moses’ relationship with his father-in-law, Jethro. Moses displayed respect and affection for his father-in-law, he guarded himself against pride, and communicated in a loving, affirming way. When Jethro saw Moses struggle with judging Israel, Jethro gave Moses some advice that he graciously accepted and put into practice.
  • In the book of Ruth, we see another model of a good in-law relationship. Naomi showed love and concern for others in her time of affliction. By her life, she inspired her daughter-in-law, Ruth, to serve God also. In Ruth’s life, we see she is recognized for her noble character and exemplified faithfulness, loyalty, and compassion towards Naomi.

Having a healthy relationship with the in-laws can bring tremendous harmony to your marriage. Consider some practical ways of expressing appreciation for in-laws and indicating the type of relationship you want to have with them. Most importantly, express gratitude and respect towards your father, mother, and in-laws while expecting that the future will bring new and enjoyable aspects to your relationship.

Singles Recap: Speaking the Truth in Love

by Esther Cheng

Have you ever received a death grip handshake where you felt like your hand was being crushed by a vise? Or perhaps the opposite – a handshake so limp you might as well have been grabbing a jellyfish tentacle? When we speak the truth without love, it’s possible that we crush the people we interact with due to a lack of love and empathy. On the flip side, if we neglect sharing the truth of God’s Word in the name of “love,” we provide no substance to the other individual and in that way, actually withhold the love of God from them too.

This past week, Kevin Tse spoke on chapter 8 of Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker on the topic of speaking the truth in love. I was particularly thankful for this sermon because it is all too common where I see myself wanting to give counsel focusing only on half of “speaking the truth in love.” At times, I fail to genuinely love and care for the person but instead bombard the person with Scripture. Scripture is profitable for all things (2 Timothy 3:16), but without love, I can just be a noisy gong (1 Corinthians 13:1). On the other hand, there are times when I withhold from pointing the other person in the name of “loving” them. When I pause to evaluate my heart, it is often from a fear of man that I do so and in this case, is actually unloving to them that I withhold the goodness of God’s Word (Proverbs 27:6)! We must be on guard of our own thoughts and motives and seek speak the truth in love.

In conflict situations, there is a presumption that there is already a perceived wrong; that something is off and requires gentle restoration (Galatians 6:1). This would not simply be a chance to fix your relationship with the offender, but of their relationship with God. Sure, we know 1 Corinthians 10:31 by heart and understand that glorifying God is of utmost importance, but do we seek His glory in restoring a relationship? In our hearts, are we actually desiring the other individual to fess up for treating you in an unpleasant way? Or do we want the awkward silence and tension to end in the room when they’re around? No matter how much they sinned against us, most importantly, the sin was committed against God. In Psalm 51, David was convicted of his sin towards the Lord alone; in verse 4, he cries out to God saying, “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.” It’s not to say that he didn’t sin against Bathsheba or Uriah, but the magnitude of the offense to God was exponentially greater when faced with His holiness. We must keep this perspective as we speak the truth in love to our brothers and sisters – that ultimately, we seek their restoration with a holy and just God. In Ephesians 4:29, it mentions that we ought to seek to build the other person up in their relationship with God – we can do this by pointing them to their sin which Christ died for. This also fits the occasion that they desperately have a need to repent of their sins to the Lord.

Before we go revealing every detail of a person’s sinful actions, we need to remember to restore others gently… and remember, we are not the Holy Spirit! Even if we reveal their sins against God (and perhaps to others, or even to their own bodies), only the Holy Spirit can convict them of sin. In humility, be quick to hear and slow to speak (James 1:19). It is possible that there was miscommunication, or they could be a young / immature believer who does not understand that what they did was sin. After all, “we who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves” (Romans 15:1). Bear with the failings of others, not by sweeping sin issues under the rug, but encouraging others in truth and love. Rewind back to when Christ first saved us – how as immature Christians, there was much to learn and many mistakes made along the way… and yet, our shortcomings and sins could not separate us from His grace (Ephesians 2:8-9) and nothing could separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:38-39). God is gracious and thankfully, He uses these difficult situations to sanctify us until the day we die (Philippians 1:6).

May we prayerfully and humbly seek the Lord for wisdom as we struggle with our flesh to seek God’s glory amidst the painful impacts of another’s sin against God.

Counseling the Depressed (Part 1)

by Roger Alcaraz

Depression seems to be taking over the world like a virus, sometimes bringing people to a seemingly hopeless state that could last for years. It is a serious problem, yet I believe many counselors make it worse by not focusing their attention on the root cause of it. The goal of this article is to explain what depression is, how it’s typically treated in America, and finally, in part two of the article, how to think about depression biblically.

The Christian Counselor’s Medical Desk Reference defines depression as “a persistent mood that is characterized by intense feeling of inadequacy, sadness, hopelessness, pessimism, irritability, apprehension, and a decreased interest in or ability to enjoy normal activity.” This mood must last at least two weeks before being considered as clinical depression. Sadly, many people look at the circumstances of a person’s life and try to figure out what caused the depression rather than look at it from a biblical perspective: identifying not the circumstances around the person, but the condition of the person.

Depression could be caused in response to many things such as: guilt, preoccupation, stress from a tragedy, etc. It also takes on many forms such as: loneliness, irresponsibility, hopelessness, over-sleeping, insomnia, sickness, thoughts of suicide, loss of appetite, etc. The variety of causes and symptoms alone should indicate that there is no direct single causal factor of depression—meaning that even if a doctor had all the information regarding a person’s life and medical reports, there would be no way of knowing for sure whether or not the person would fall into depression. This means that if the counselor ever wants to get to the heart of the problem, he is going to first have to ask a lot of questions to understand the circumstances that led to this depression and how it is manifesting.

The most common treatment to depression is to take drugs. However, The New England Journal of Medicine found that drug companies selectively publish studies on antidepressants. Drug companies have published nearly all the studies that show benefit while withholding the numerous studies that show these drugs are ineffective. This warps peoples’ view of antidepressants, and it has fueled the tremendous growth in the use of psychiatric medications. Companies like the makers of Viibryd, Zoloft, and Cymbalta are now part of the second leading class of drugs sold.

Not to mention there are huge risks in putting so many chemicals in your body. These side effects include: nausea, weight gain, erectile dysfunction, fatigue, drowsiness, insomnia, dry mouth, blurred vision, constipation, dizziness, agitation, irritability, anxiety and even increased thoughts of suicide. Some of the side effects go directly against what the drug is trying to accomplish, revealing just how uncertain the outcome of taking them will be. I mention all this because if you’re counseling someone who has been diagnosed with clinical depression by a doctor, chances are that they’ll be taking medication. While this article gives a simple overview of them, it’s your responsibility to know what they do. As counselors, it’s not our place to tell someone to go against their doctor’s advice, but we can encourage them to study for themselves and come to their own conclusions.

The second remedy is to develop good habits like eating healthy, sleeping regularly, exercising, and being involved with a support group. Similar to the drug remedy, all these cater to the symptoms rather than the cause. Even still, these are all good things we want to promote, not as the solution to depression, but as help along the way. Developing good and healthy habits can help someone overcome sin. Rather than becoming a sloth, it is good to put some effort into how one takes care of himself because it often reflects how hard he is willing to be disciplined in other areas of life.

As Christians, we know that discipline is not enough. We must have a heartfelt desire to do what God wants for us, otherwise, it’s not pleasing to God. But it’s like the times when I haven’t eaten in so long that eating food actually hurts my stomach. I have no desire to eat in those times because I know the pain that would come, but food is what I need and so I eat apart from desire. Similarly, a depressed Christian will likely not want to read the Bible, pray, serve others, or be involved in church. However, the very things that he doesn’t want to do are the very things that will help him. He doesn’t want to read about God, but only God can help. He doesn’t want to serve others, but he needs to take his eyes off of himself. He doesn’t want to be surrounded by people, but he needs good community and accountability. Therefore we must encourage right living even if the depressed person has no desire for it because it can lead to right thinking which can lead to triumph over depression. God designed mankind such that if we walk in obedience to his will, we will find contentment– and contentment is just what people are longing for.

Ultimately, as counselors, we need to guide them to think about depression biblically and remind them of the hope we have in Jesus. We do this by understanding their situation, caring for them, keeping them accountable in their disciplines, and pointing them to Christ through Scripture and prayer. In my next article, we’ll be looking at the biblical understanding of depression and how we can help others to fight against it.

The Gift of Friendship

Group Photo

by Josh Liu

What is friendship? If you were asked, “What does the Bible say about friendship?” would you be able to answer? Do Christian friendships differ from non-Christian friendships? These questions are only a few of the many questions that demonstrate how significant the topic of friendship is. No man is an island; every person, to a degree, will be confronted with having to interact with or relate to another person. Friendship is particularly a significant issue among children and youth. Perhaps you have heard the old axioms, “One apple spoils the bunch,” or, “If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?” The first phrase reveals the concern of bad peer influence, while the question reveals a struggle for parent authority or personal responsibility (over and against peer relationships). Perhaps, while growing up, you wanted answers for the following questions:

  • Can my best friend be a nonbeliever?
  • Can my best friend be from the opposite gender?
  • How do I make friends?
  • Why did my friend leave me?
  • What do you do if there’s a fall-out with one friend in a group?
  • What do you do if friends begin liking each other?
  • Do I have to be friends with everyone?

At this past Lumos youth winter retreat, we spent four days at Big Bear Lake Christian Conference Center (from January 1-4), and studied what God’s Word taught on friendship. It was a blessed time of fellowship, games, learning, playing in the snow, and discussion!

During the first session, Jon Yang from LBCLA preached on friendship with God from John 15:5-17.

As James 4:4 says, “You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” Those who refuse to submit to God in faith and obedience are actually in submission to the world (cf. Eph. 2:1-10; Rom. 6:17-18). To not have a relationship with God is to have a relationship with the world. If you are not reconciled with God, you remain under His wrath for your unrighteousness. There is no intimate, peaceful relationship there. However, through Christ’s death on behalf of the repentant sinner and resurrection from the dead, He gives the gift of a reconciled relationship to God, to be His friend. Jon gave four fundamentals for a friendship with God: (1) It is only possible because Christ laid down His life (vv. 12-13); (2) It is characterized by a loving and trusting obedience (v. 14); (3) It is characterized by different relationship (v. 15); And (4) it is characterized by love for the redeemed (v. 17).

In the second session, Cesar Vigil-Ruiz preached on how the Tri-unity within the Godhead impacts friendship.

The Trinity is a nonnegotiable distinctive of Christianity, which requires our utmost attention. The unity and relationship within the Godhead is absolutely transcendent. Thus, this section does not conclude that the Trinity serves as a model of friendship. Rather, as we pursue to love God and love people, our knowledge and worship of God will overflow into our love and service of one another. Cesar gave three applications for the pursuit of a biblical friendship: (1) Learn from the wise, caring, and goodness of the God the Father’s exercise of authority (Eph. 1:3-12); (2) Learn from God the Son’s submission to His Father done in joyful love (John 8:23, 28-32); And (3) learn from the behind-the-scenes character of God the Spirit.

Later, we divided between the boys and girls and had separate breakout sessions.

In the third session, I preached on the distinctives of a biblical friendship.

What is the difference between a worldly friendship and a biblical friendship? Is the basis of your friendship with someone formed around common interests (e.g. sports, music, hobbies), circumstances (e.g. event, project, trial), or some other commonality (e.g. nationality, culture)? The same things drive even friendships of unbelievers. If your friendship with a person is not founded upon and driven by Christ, you may be guilty of a worldly friendship. Here were tentative general definitions I provided: A worldly friendship is a relationship that serves a personal need/desire or expectation; A biblical friendship is a relationship that gives opportunity to live as a witness of and for God’s glory. I gave three distinctives of a biblical friendship. First, the foundation of a biblical friendship is Christ. This is the most important distinctive, which has been mentioned above. Christ is the bond between persons. Through Him, there is true commonality (or unity, intimacy, fellowship, relationship): common experience (of conviction and salvation), common victory, common authority, common pursuit or direction, common goal, common conduct, common family, common desires, and common sacrifice and suffering. A second distinctive is that, because of who Christ is and what He has done, all believers are called to friend others–to love and serve enemies and neighbors (cf. Matt. 5:47), to be witness of Christ to them (cf. Acts 1:8; Matt. 25:31-40). Third, since Christ is the bond between persons and the example of pursuing all others, believers share real unity and lasting intimacy. Friends come and go, but the fellowship of believers goes beyond time and circumstances.

Lastly, for the fourth session, I preached on friendship between boys and girls.

Sin has twisted relationships. There is a lot of confusion and inappropriate “friending” between men and women. First, I provided a five reasons why men and women ought to be friends (living a witness of and for God’s glory toward one another): (1) God created men and women in His image; (2) Relationships between men and women are included in the body of Christ; (3) Men and women have the same biblical commands (e.g. one another commands); (4) Men and women experience temptations, trials, and suffering; And (5) men and women have the same need–Christ and His Word. Next, I provided six ways to pursue an appropriate friendship with the opposite gender: (1) View each other as a precious sibling; (2) Live with above reproach wisdom; (3) Understand and honor other relationships–parents and spouse; (4) Fulfill biblical men’s and women’s roles; (5) Confront personal sin and temptation; And (5) devote to “one anothering” wisely.

Through this update and summary, my hope is that you are encouraged by what is going on in the youth ministry, exhorted to love God and others more, and challenged to examine your life and heart.

Will you pursue friendships as opportunities to live as a witness of and for the glory of God?

Fireflies Nursery Update

by Yuen Kwong

I can’t believe that it’s going to be eight years since I first joined the Fireflies ministry. It has truly been an amazing experience and I loved every minute of it! Being in a ministry for this long has allowed me to see how God has grown this ministry not only in size but also spiritually over the years. We went from a few toddlers at the old church in the Scripps Ranch area to our current location and taking up 2 rooms to accommodate for the 30+ babies and toddlers that we care for.

When the Elders first announced that Fireflies will now have a teaching curriculum for the older kids (generally 15 months to 3 year-olds) years ago, my initial thought was that the kids are so young, would they really grasp anything that we’re teaching them? What would the lesson look like? As the Nursery staff began to go over the curriculum, we slowly fine tuned what lessons to go over, how often we will teach the lesson, what memory verses to go along with each lesson, and what songs to sing. Our staff holds quarterly meetings to discuss how things are working and how we can better serve the children and aiding their parents in teaching them who God is.

As the years progressed, I transitioned from the regular rotation to the teaching rotation, and all the while, God has humbled and blessed me in so many ways as I learned and continue to learn how to care for the children physically and spiritually. Caring for the little ones can be physically exhausting, but I find that the days when we have to address heart issues with the kids to be the most fatiguing days. Rather than behavior modification, we seek to help the children understand that their behavior (refusing to obey, pushing, biting, hitting, snatching, etc.) stems from a sinful heart and we want to help them identify the root issues as we teach them appropriate responses.

To all the parents, kudos to you for your loving patience with your kids and your diligence in going over the lessons and memory verses/motions with them. Although sometimes they may be a little shy during the lesson time to show what they’ve learned at home, all your hard work shows through subtle things. For instance, on a particularly chaotic Sunday a few years back, I had to teach a lesson on how only God is big showing how God made everything and also Adam and Eve’s disobedience in eating the forbidden fruit was due to their attempt to be like God. Our curriculum comes with picture illustrations as visual aids, and the picture of the forbidden fruit and its tree looked like an apple and an apple tree. I was afraid that the kids would associate apples as the forbidden fruit and would refuse to eat them, so I repeated many times that the pictured fruit was not an apple, but a type of fruit that God told Adam and Eve not to eat. During the lesson, we were already late into our normal schedule. Typically, we start our lesson between 10:00am – 10:15am, but due to lots of crying kids, potty breaks, lots of poopy diapers, and disciplining issues, service was ending with the hymn and we haven’t even had the lesson yet! At the end of the day when the kids were picked up, thinking back on the lesson, I struggled with whether or not I had communicated the lesson clearly and effectively, especially since so many of the kids were distracted by some of the inconsolable kids crying in the background. Later that evening, I saw a Facebook video post that one of the church members took of some kids in the car as they were heading out to lunch. The kids were asked what they learned today and the nursery aged child responded that he learned that Adam and Eve disobeyed because God told them not to eat the fruit, and he emphasized that the fruit was not an apple, just a fruit. When the auntie asked the child, if he disobeys, he responded sadly, “Yes, I disobey sometimes because mommy and daddy tell me not to cry but I still cry.” That short video brought me such joy! Even in my failure, shortcomings, and anxiety, God makes everything glorify Him.

To all the parents, I encourage you to continue to depend and trust in the Lord as you parent your child(ren). Please let the teachers or Nursery Coordinators know how we can better serve you and teach your children. To the nursery staff workers, I challenge you to invest in the kids during the playing time and make every opportunity a teaching opportunity. And to take the time to get to know the parents and encourage them with something that the child did in nursery. To the female LBC members who may be potentially interested in this ministry, please come and observe! If you don’t know how to care for children, it is a great place to observe and learn from the more experienced sisters – we’ll teach you everything from changing poopy diapers to shepherding a child’s heart!