by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

“Christians are the most forgiven people in the world. Therefore, we should be the most forgiving people in the world…God has given us an incredibly high standard to live up to when we have the opportunity to forgive someone. Fortunately, he also gives us the grace and the guidance we need to imitate him by forgiving others as he has forgiven us” (p.204-205).

You Cannot Do It Alone

What many of us forget when we come to the point where we should forgive someone is that we have the ability to do that in our strength. We tend to forget the primary emphasis of the Gospel: we cannot do anything good outside of ourselves, and are in need of God to help us when we cannot help ourselves. This will typically show up when we start to rewind and think over the many hurts we’ve experienced, harboring bitterness in our hearts for what so-and-so did to us. Yet drawing on God’s grace regularly will give us the grace we need to extend that kind of grace out to those who hurt us by forgiving them.

Neither a Feeling, nor Forgetting, nor Excusing

Forgiveness is not a feeling in any way, but a decision or act of the will we make, recognizing our dependence on God for grace, that it may lead to an attack on our thoughts that want to dwell on the hurt we experienced. It also is not forgetting, a passive act, but an active one made by a conscious decision and a purposeful course of action. Lastly, forgiving is not excusing, since it implies that someone did a wrong act.

Forgiveness is a Decision

When you ignore or are ignorant of true forgiveness, you show it in your great memory in remembering the many wrongs that have been done to you from someone, always ready to give a defense, not of the hope you possess within you, but of yourself and your “justified” unforgiving heart. The word “forgive” means to release or let go or to give favor to another person with no strings attached. This is something we do not and cannot deserve.

…forgiveness can be a costly activity. When someone sins, they create a debt, and someone must pay it. Most of this debt is owed to God. In his great mercy, he sent his Son to pay that debt on the cross for all who would trust in him (Isa. 53:4-6l 1 Peter 2:24-25; Col. 1:19-20). (p.207)

Now, when someone wrongs you, there is a debt owed to you, which you can either take payments on or make payments yourself. Making payments would be the preferred way, meaning you remove the penalty the other deserves to pay. This may come quickly, or it may take a period of time. This is when we would do well to remember the amazing grace God offers to us when He forgives us our sin. Isaiah 59:2 speaks of where we were: “But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.” Not only does God forgive us of our sins, He actively chooses not to remember them anymore: “If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared” (Psalm 130:3-4). We must go and do likewise to others: “We must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us” (p.209). Forgiveness can be described in making four promises:

1. I will not dwell on this incident.
2. I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about this incident.
4. I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

The sad reality is that many have never experienced this type of forgiveness, and it is our duty to model Christlike forgiveness so that the other person may see the reality of God’s forgiveness that is offered to all who will come and believe.

When Should You Forgive?

Repentance should come before forgiveness. At times, there may be minor offenses that can be overlooked without seeking repentance. Yet when it is too serious to overlook, we are to (1) have an attitude of forgiveness, and (2) grant forgiveness. The first condition speaks more of having a readiness in your heart to live as if you have truly forgiven them, by not dwelling on the hurt you experienced. The second condition speaks on the repentance of the one who offended you, drawing in the last three promises mentioned previously. Christ maintained the first condition in praying on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Once men and women have repented, full forgiveness was given and men are now reconciled to God. God is our God, and He is also our model to follow.

Can You Ever Mention the Sin Again?

“When someone has confessed a wrong and you have forgiven him, you should not bring it up again unless there is a very compelling reason to do so. Otherwise, you will rob people of hope that they can change or that you will ever give them another chance” (p.212).

What about the Consequences?

As God has shown over and over with the people of Israel, “forgiveness does not automatically release a wrongdoer from all the consequences of sin” (look at Numbers 14:20-23; Deuteronomy 32:48-52; 2 Sam. 12:11-14; 13:1-39; 16:21-22; 19:1-4). It could be that you would be the one to take down any walls that would come between you and the one who wronged you. There may also be times where you can forgive someone but cannot afford to take the consequence of the wrong that was committed, such as a loss of money. This could be a broad description of one who is habitual in their unrepentant life, who would need to be confronted with their continual sin-pattern. Once someone expresses repentance, you are to forgive sincerely and have the penalty of personal separation removed. This is the outgrowth of God’s forgiveness. It must be ours as well.

Overcoming Unforgiveness

God has given His Word, His Holy Spirit, and finally, His people in giving counsel and encouragement. Here are some steps to overcome forgiveness:

1. Confirm Repentance
2. Renounce Sinful Attitudes and Expectations
3. Assess Your Contributions to the Problem
4. Recognize That God Is Working for Good
5. Remember God’s Forgiveness
6. Draw on God’s Strength

Reconciliation and the Replacement Principle

Your relationship with the person you originally were in conflict in must be reconciled, and that your relationship would be as good, if not better, than what it used to be. To reconcile means to offer a chance for a repentant person to get your trust back, which you should not demand, especially when they have expressed their repentance. You must show your promises are not empty when they have demonstrated a repentant faith. This is shown in three ways:

1. In Thought (replace negative thoughts of the other with positive thoughts)
2. In Word
3. In Deed

All this comes from God’s hand, and credit is given to those who only experience and express true repentance. God is behind this, and He will see to it that His people are not afraid of living out their lives as peaceful ambassadors in a fallen world. Hopefully, a commitment to the local church and the leaders of that church would be a primary emphasis for all of us to heed.

by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that “every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” (Matthew 18:16)

Matthew 18:15-20 has been the framework by which Christians have sought to maintain peace within their churches, looking to Christ’s perfect teaching as the guide for resolving everyday conflict. Let’s get into how this process is laid out, step-by-step.

The Matthew 18 Process

“A general principle taught in Matthew 18 is that we should try to keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible” (p.186). What Ken Sande is apt to point out just a few sentences later, “This is one of the great blessings of belonging to the church: Whenever you cannot handle a problem or conflict on your own, you can turn to the body of Christ for guidance and assistance.” This process Jesus commands us to follow if we are in conflict with another cannot be fulfilled without the local church being involved. Yet another reason vigilante Christians are a misnomer.

Step 1: Overlook Minor Offenses

Remember that conflicts are opportunities to glorify God, and not burdens. Sometimes it is not worth going through and overlooking small issues if it is not detrimental to them or other people in the church. We also need to remember that our rights are not inherent, and cannot claim them in times of conflict. We must be ready to give them up for the sake of love for the one who initially hurts us and also for those in our churches as well.

Step 2: Talk in Private

If you sin against another, it is your responsibility as a Christian to go to the other and ask for forgiveness. If they commit sin against you that cannot be overlooked, it also is your responsibility to deal with the issue and get to the point of true reconciliation. If it’s a material issue that cannot be overlooked as well, it would be good to negotiate and come to agree on a solution together. You are almost always biased in favor of yourself in conflicts of material issues, so it would be wise to seek godly advisors to help you see your faults and respond in a fair and biblical manner with the other. If this cannot be done, we move to step 4.

Step 3: Take One or Two Others Along

To bring an outsider/reconciler into your conflict requires discretion on both sides. This person must be a man/woman who is a spiritually mature adult who can help you both come to a deeper clarity for both sides and lead to a peaceful resolve, which is what Paul instructs in Galatians 6:1 (Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted). The best mediator would be one who knows both of you, as they will seek to be faithful to God and caring for both parties. If the other person is not so sure an outsider is necessary, it would be good to appeal to them based on what Matthew 18 as well as 1 Corinthians 6 teaches, and also bring out practical benefits to doing so (would not cost money, save time, and not be made public).

Another way an outsider can be involved is by your being active in bringing him/her in, even if the other does not agree to it at first. This may push the other person to want to deal with the conflict more than before. If they still persist, involving an outsider that person respects may be key, and you can go to them and let them know what the issue is in a general sense, not getting too specific until you and the person in conflict can meet together with them.

What do reconcilers do?

A reconciler’s “primary role is to help you and your opponent make the decisions needed for peace” (p.191). They can also offer counsel in how to handle the problem at hand (Matthew 18:17; 1 Corinthians 6:1-8), calling for repentance on either or both sides if any ungodly attitudes are expressed. They could also be given permission by both sides to render a course of action to take that must be followed if a decision cannot be made. They can be the ones who can let the leaders of your church(es) know how the issue came to a standstill and go from there.

What if my opponent is not a Christian?

If this is the case, agreeing on an outside reconciler ahead of time would be best, so that a resolution can take place, and a solution can still be made, provided the other person is not against that and is willing to hear out what the third party has to say.

Step 4: Tell It to the Church (Church Accountability)

When all is rejected and the other person is still not wanting to come to peace on this issue, only then should the leaders of your church(es) be made aware of the situation and help is desired from them. The church has the authority of Christ behind them (Matthew 18:18-20) in dealing with sin, which will be binding on their member who is in conflict (or if both are members of the same church). Disobedience is not allowed, unless what they instruct is clearly in violation of Scripture (Matthew 23:1-3; Acts 4:18-20; 5:27-32). At this point, if one or the other or both parties are not willing to resolve this issue, those who know them are obligated to bring up this issue with them lovingly but firmly, calling them to repentance and reminding them of the danger of coming to God’s house while in conflict, leading to an absence of worship towards God and true fellowship with one another.

Step 5: Treat Him as a Nonbeliever

If all this takes place and the other person is not willing still to reconcile, the church has divine authority by Christ: “treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). It becomes a functional position for the church to take: “If a person behaves like a nonbeliever would—by disregarding the authority of Scripture and of Christ’s church—he should be treated as if he were a nonbeliever” (p.193). Treating them in this way (not by belittling them but by calling them to true faith and repentance in Christ by way of the Gospel) is biblical and effective in drawing them back in to the fellowship that this person once tasted. By not neglecting to focus on this issue with them, you show your hate and lack of care for them, superficially talking about random subjects when a grave issue is a potential for causing division in the church. We speak to them about their need for Christ so that they can realize their sin and come to Christ to deliver them from their stubborn unwillingness to reconcile. It also promotes holiness in the church, and a line that will not be blurred in who a true believer is and who is not, biblically speaking.

Is It Time to Go to Court?

Sometimes even if an issue is unresolved, dropping the matter and give up your justified claims (1 Corinthians 6:7-8). One final choice would be to go to court, after all other options have been exhaustively sought.

The World Needs Reconcilers!

Reconcilers are needed in this world to give a small glimpse of the greatest act of reconciliation known to mankind: the reconciliation of God and man found in Jesus Christ, the God-man who bore the sins of many on Himself to be the way back to God (John 14:6; 1 Timothy 2:5; 1 Peter 2:24, 3:18). When Christians are found living out the Christian life, and seek peace among the brethren, when we have already been given lasting peace by God Himself, it draws people to look in and be amazed at the wonder and the power of the Gospel. This is still an evangelizing opportunity for us to minister on a continual basis, leading others to praise our Father in heaven who made this available for His children.

Developing a Culture of Peace in Your Church

This is shown in the church when it has the following characteristics: vision, training, assistance, perseverance, accountability, restoration, stability, and witness. Pray that LBC will be an embodiment of these characteristics now, and that we would continually be seen as a church that practices what it preaches, for the sake of God’s glory.

by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15)

Our words either build up or tear down. It demonstrates the right use or the wrong use of our speech, specifically as it reflects the character of our God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who knew how to speak. Being called to speak truth to each other in love requires work, and preparation to be able to do so in hostile and not-so hostile situations. In this chapter, Ken Sande helps us toward building up while speaking up in a loving manner.

Bring Hope through the Gospel

Our common tendency when we see someone make a mistake is to correct them by pointing out what they did wrong. We make them aware of the standard they fell short of, hoping they won’t do so in the future. That is the mentality of bringing the Law to them. This is completely opposed to what is modeled for us by Christ and His Gospel message. As redeemed sinners, our lives are not to focus solely on the Law, but to remember the Gospel and let that influence and color the way we are with others in approaching them and gently restoring them.

To live lives of holiness, we must not only reflect the Gospel in our actions, but also in our speech. Every thing we do, we must do to glorify God (1 Cor. 10:31), not make God accept us by our efforts. That tends to bring judgment upon others, and that is not how the Christian life is seen: as one under judgment any longer. Now we have hope in the Gospel of Christ, who not only died, but rose again, and has promised His bride to raise us as well. We can now give hope not only to unbelievers in hearing the Gospel message, but also to believers, in reminding them of the hope we now have in Christ.

This will radically change our natural approach in coming up to a person and engage with them about their wrong. You no longer come as one over and above them, but as one who comes alongside, knowing their own temptations to sin, and being honest about that with them, so that you gain a hearing. It opens up communication, and also needed correction, possibly for both sides.

By focusing on the power of the Gospel to save as well as change us, it will bring more people in to see us as channels of grace, and not hydrants of condemnation. The starting place is in your own heart first, and a continued sense of the grace of God that must be evident in your life, before you can extend that to others. If you have not received God’s grace, you cannot extend God’s grace to others, especially when confronting others in a gentle way.

Be Quick to Listen

Another way you can have effective communication is how eager you show another in listening to them. You are not known as a lecturer, but a listener, one who is not afraid to learn something from another brother or sister, and grow together as believers on the same journey towards Christlikeness. It opens up opportunities for some sharpening to take place, and that primarily comes about by listening to each other in where you need to grow. Below are some ways you can show your quickness in listening to others. By:

1. Waiting
2. Attending
3. Clarifying
4. Reflecting
5. Agreeing

The Tongue of the Wise Brings Healing

One final way to have effective communication is “the ability to speak to others in a clear, constructive, and persuasive manner” (p.170). Proverbs 12:18 is very applicable to this: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Here are a few skills/habits that would be good to implement in your life when communicating with another:

1. Breathe grace
2. Make charitable judgments
3. Speak the truth in love
4. Talk from beside, not from above
5. Help others examine the desires of their hearts
6. Choose the right time and place
7. Talk in person whenever possible
8. Engage rather than declare
9. Communicate so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood
10. Plan your words
11. Use “I” Statements
12. Be objective
13. Use the Bible carefully
14. Ask for feedback
15. Offer solutions and preferences
16. Recognize your limits

Most of these suggestions seem possible for anyone to adopt and use, and rightly so, but to do it the way God intended it requires a recognition that He has already done everything that could make it possible for you to do it in a way that pleases Him. He gives you new life and new desires when you come to faith in His Son Jesus Christ and leave the sum total of your sinful life. He also gives you the desire to live faithfully the new life that comes out of believing the Gospel. It’s a life of grace and humility that will seek the others’ interests above their own, and want to honor the God who made that available to them in this life. All of these suggestions find its best form in the life of a believer, and God wants us to extend that in our speech with one another. We do not focus solely on finding the right words to say, but to have the right motive behind it as well. The Gospel can change a man or woman to now live under grace, in true restored relationship with God, and also in truly growing relationships with those around us. These suggestions come from a heart filled with godly repentance and godly desire, and we should pray wholeheartedly to God that we grow in this direction. May God draw us closer to that end, and our churches be filled with people who gently restore one another not only within the body, but with our Head as well.

by Stephen Rodgers

Due to some scheduling issues, we are unable to bring you the expected Peacemaker article this week.  We expect to return to the series next week.  In the meantime, this would be a great opportunity to catch up on any previous articles in the series you might have missed.

Pro Rege

by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (Matthew 18:15)

Coming to the 3rd G of Peacemaking — Gently Restore — we start with the issue that comes up between two people, and learning, as well as discerning, when to confront another about a sin issue.

Restoring Means More than Confronting

Looking at the above verse on its own could tempt people to think direct confrontation with another is the right way of addressing sin in another person’s life. However, upon examining the context of where this verse is found, Jesus speaks of restoring, not solely condemning, in dealing with a lost sheep and the reaction that follows once found. This is the mindset that Jesus wants us to adopt when we do confront others in sin: have the heart of a shepherd in pointing out the sin that leads them to wander away from God, and to bring them back. This is the same type of love Christ shows to each and every sinner who is brought back to God by His life, death and resurrection.
Scripture does mention direct confrontation as being necessary to address sin, but it isn’t the primary way of doing so, or even the common way of going about it:

Instead, [the Bible] calls us to use a wide spectrum of activities to minister to others, including confessing, teaching, instructing, reasoning with, showing, encouraging, correcting, warning, admonishing, or rebuking (Matt. 5:23-24; Luke 17:3; Acts 17:17; 1 Thess. 5:14; 2 Tim. 2:24; 4:2). (pp.144-5)

Instead, we need to depend on God in asking Him for wisdom for how best to approach one another and at what time is most appropriate to do so.

Sooner or Later, Face-to-Face

Some people believe it best to approach someone in private before involving other people. That might not always be the case; it might be best to bring other people into the conflict before meeting with them personally. Genesis 32-33, 50:15-16, 1 Samuel 25:18-35, 2 Samuel 14:1-23, and Acts 9:26-27 are cases in point where others are involved before a private encounter. The focus must be on meeting the needs of others:

[W]e should always show respect for the concerns, traditions, limitations, and special needs of others and ask God to show us how to communicate with them in the way that is most appropriate and helpful to them (Phil. 2:3-4). (p.147)

Generally, we want there to be genuine reconciliation to take place, and in some cases, face-to-face meetings are crucial to that end. This is shown in three ways (p.147):

1. “Many of the passages related to restoring relationships clearly contemplate a direct conversation between the conflicting parties (see Matt. 5:23-24; 18:15; Luke 17:3).”
2. “Scripture provides many examples of marvelous reconciliation that came about after personal meetings between people who had wronged each other, including Jacob and Esau (Genesis 33:6-12), Joseph and his brothers (45:1-5; 50:15-21), and Paul and the apostles (Acts 9:27-28).”
3. “[T]he Bible also gives examples of disastrous results when the involvement of intermediaries allowed the parties to delay or avoid personal meetings involving genuine confession and forgiveness.”

In conflicts like that of David and Absalom or Shechem and Dinah, God wants there to be a genuine relationship that has real, personal communication (look at Exodus 33:11). This can lead to real restored relationships, and meeting one on one can help foster that.

If Someone Has Something against You

In Matthew 5:23-24, “Jesus said to be reconciled if your brother has something against you, implying that the obligation exists whether or not you believe his complaint is legitimate.” (p.149) The most obvious reason why we are to do this is because Jesus commands us to. Also, your witness will be affected if you disobey this, not demonstrating to your nonChristian friends the power of the Gospel that you claim you believe. Having peace of mind in dealing with conflict will keep you from having doubts about your peace with God. The last reason to start this process of reconciliation is out of concern and love for your brother and his having peace with God as well. We must actively pursue peace as often as we can in dealing with misunderstandings or miscommunication (Rom. 12:18; cf. 14:13-19).

When Someone’s Sins Are Too Serious to Overlook

Luke 17:3 says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” Here are some cases where approaching the other personally and privately is best:

Is It Dishonoring God?

“If someone who professes to be a Christian is behaving in such a way that others are likely to think less of God, of his church, or of his Word, it may be necessary to talk with that person and urge him to change his behavior.” (p. 151)

Is It Damaging Your Relationship?

“If you are unable to forgive an offense—that is, if your feelings, thoughts, words, or actions toward another person have been altered for more than a short period of time—the offense is probably too serious to overlook.”

Is It Hurting Others?

If people are hurt directly (child abuse or drunk driving), or are being led astray by one’s behavior, in some cases where it gets Christians to take sides, it can lead to a disunity in the body and a disruption of peace that is not beneficial to the growth of others (Titus 3:10).

Is It Hurting the Offender?

“Finally, sin needs to be addressed when it is seriously harming the offender, either by direct damage (e.g., alcohol abuse) or by impairing his or her relationship with God or other people. Looking out for the well-being of other Christians, especially those in your own family or congregation, is a serious responsibility. Unfortunately, because many Christians have adopted the world’s view that everyone should be allowed to ‘do his own thing,’ some believers will do nothing, even when they see a brother or sister ensnared in serious sin.” (p. 152)

We should not be eager in showing someone their faults—that most likely means we aren’t the right people to do so. On the other side are those who refuse to ever confront anyone, citing “Do not judged, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1), completely ignoring the context of Jesus’ condemnation of hypocritical judging, but not all forms of judgment, as you read on in v.5: “you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Another idea is when someone says, “Only God can judge me.” “But God often uses another persin to speak the words that a sinner needs to hear to see the need to repent (e.g., 2 Sam. 12:1-13; 2 Tim. 2:24-26.” (p.154)

What would be helpful is understanding whether one’s offense is serious enough to confront by looking at the words “caught” (Greek prolambano) and “restore” (Greek katartizo). If he is caught in a sin while being off guard or dragging him down, go to him. If his sin is affecting his spiritual growth or becoming less useful for God, go to him. Anything less than this should probably be overlooked, while praying that God would help bring about change in their life.

Special Considerations

Going to Non-Christians

Our concern for others does not change with regards to the state of belief one may or may not have. Scripture calls us to “live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18). Most of what is covered can be applied with regards to a non-Christian. This could be a way of leading someone to faith in Christ.

Going to a Person in Authority

All sin, including leaders (1 Tim. 5:19-20). Doing so in a way that respects their authority is a major help in dealing with one’s sin, and may lead to them respecting you as well.

Dealing with Abuse

This can especially happen with those in authority above you. However, if it is a verbal or even physical abuse, it may be best to consult others and get them involved in dealing with the situation. If the person claims to be a Christian, it is the responsibility of the church to help and handle the situation as best they can. This includes calling the person to repentance, as well as confession of their sin, leading to some type of counseling, and possible legal consequences that they must deal with.

Go Tentatively and Repeatedly

Until you have heard the other side from the horses’ mouth, so to speak, don’t assume the one who complains to you is automatically in the right. Help with their sin, and see how they respond. If they do not come to repent of their sin, give them time, reevaluate what you suggested, and then address them again. Do it in a way where privately it can be done, and no dissension arises within the church. If it gets past that, consider whether it really is the right course to take in confronting them.

After the Log Is Out of Your Eye

A good thing to keep in mind, in dealing with Matthew 7:3-5, is that when you confess your sins, it makes it easier and more willing for others to ask for forgiveness as well. However that is not always the case. There are four ways to do so:

1. You may simply overlook the offense.
2. You may build on the other’s superficial confession.
3. You may need to talk about the other person’s sin now.
4. You may postpone confrontation until the appropriate time.

This speck-removal not only helps us to see the other clearly, it also allows us, as we take up our daily crosses, to be reminded how wonderfully God has created us, and lets us see God clearly, primarily through His Son who had died on the cross and is alive today.

by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)

When the Gospel gets a hold of our lives and changes us from the inside out, we start to grow less dependent on ourselves and more dependent on God, especially when it comes to relationships. Relationships are a launching pad for conflicts to flourish, if they aren’t grounded in the Gospel. However, when they are, it opens opportunities for the world to see a glimpse of how reconciliation really looks like, empowered by the Gospel and modeled in light of the Gospel. When it comes to resolving and restoring a broken relationship, it usually takes a process involving four steps: repentance, self-examination, confession, and personal change.

Repentance Is More Than a Feeling

To repent involves more than a sense of guilt, or a bad feeling. It requires a change of heart and a turn from the sin we commit to a new way of living. This involves a mind-change that goes from a love for our sin to a hatred of it, and a siding with God on how He views our sin. Peter, when he spoke to the people in Solomon’s portico, said: “Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out” (Acts 3:19). To counter the idea that many professing believers have on repentance comes from Paul writing to the church in Corinth: “As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:9-10). The temptation is to consider feeling bad as sufficient for repenting of our sin, while we continue to commit them, living as if we’re more concerned with how hurt we feel than how our sin grieves God. Repentance leads to a new look at our sin—one that shows it is a personal offense against God (2 Chronicles 6:37-39). Repentance is what Christ requires for us to follow Him (Mark 1:15)—and it also leads to a continual life of repentance (Matthew 3:8; Acts 26:20).

Examine Yourself

2 Corinthians 13:5 states: “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!” This we need to do in relation to how we view sin with respect to how it violates God’s law and attacks His character. Scripture calls sin to be disobedience against Him and an act of lawlessness (1 John 3:4), as well as not doing anything (James 4:17), especially when it comes to relationships and conflict.

When we find it hard to confess our sins, there are two things we can do:

1. Pray to God that He would help you see your sin and repent of it, as well as study His Word and continually pray for Him to show you where you fall short of His standard.
2. Ask a friend more spiritually mature than you to give counsel and correction.

There are many areas where we fail to examine what part we took in a conflict.

Using Your Tongue as a Weapon

Scripture makes it clear that our tongue typically leads us to conflict in many forms, such as:

1. Reckless words (Proverbs 12:18)
2. Grumbling and complaining (Phil. 2:14; James 5:9)
3. Falsehood (Proverbs 24:28; 2 Corinthians 4:2)
4. Gossip (Proverbs 16:28; 26:20; 2 Corinthians 12:20)
5. Slander (Leviticus 19:16; Titus 2:3)
6. Worthless talk (Ephesians 4:29; Matthew 12:36)

Controlling Others

When this aspect is what one struggles with, it is more likely than not that they will get into conflict with another. This shows in self-serving actions, like gaining something or becoming more influential at the expense of another. When selfish motives drive us to tell other people what to do, regardless of what they think, we have succumbed to this sin.

Failing to Respect Authority

When we recognize that the various positions of authority that exist have been providentially established by God, it becomes dangerous territory to outright reject their authority over your lives because those authorities do not have any inherent power, but delegated power. God does hold people in positions of authority accountable for how they exercise this given authority, but it is our responsibility to obey them, unless they call for a blatant act of sin to be committed (Acts 4:18-19; 5:29). We must do our part in following our leaders, and even if we’re uncomfortable with a certain task, we do it in service of the Lord and leave the results to Him, knowing He will hold all leaders accountable for how they led.

Forgetting the Golden Rule

Given in Matthew 7:12, to fall short of treating people the way you would like to be treated is a violation of this simple yet difficult command.

Serving Sinful Desires

“[D]estructive conflict is usually caused by unmet desires that have gained control over our hearts” (p.125). These idols include:

1. Improper desires for physical pleasure (1 John 2:15-17; cf. Galatians 5:16-21; Ephesians 4:19).
2. Pride and the desire to always be right (Proverbs 8:13; 2 Corinthians 5:12; James 3:14; 1 John 2:15-17).
3. Love of money or other material possessions (1 Timothy 6:10; Ephesians 5:5; Matthew 6:24; Luke 12:16-21; 27-31; Acts 5:1-3).
4. Fear of man (Proverbs 29:25; Luke 12:4-5).
5. Good things that we want too much.

The Seven A’s of Confession

The freedom we possess by God’s grace is the liberating power of confessing our sins primarily to God, and then to others. “If you really want to make peace, ask God to help you breathe grace by humbly and thoroughly admitting your wrongs” (p.126). This can be helped by making use of the seven A’s:

1. Address Everyone Involved
2. Avoid If, But, and Maybe
3. Admit Specifically
4. Acknowledge the Hurt
5. Accept the Consequences
6. Accept Your Behavior
7. Ask for Forgiveness

You Can Change

1. God is eager to help us to grow and change (Philippians 1:6, 2:13; Romans 8:28-29; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11; 2 Peter 1:4)
2. Pray (Psalm 139:23-24; Philippians 1:9-11; Colossians 1:9-12)
3. Delight yourself in the Lord (Ezekiel 36:25-26; Psalm 37:4; Matthew 5:3-13)
4. Study (Romans 8:6-8; 12:1-2; 1 Corinthians 2:9-16; Ephesians 1:17-19; 4:22-24; Philippians 1:9-11; Colossians 1:9-12)
5. Practice (Philippians 4:9; 1 Corinthians 9:24-27; 2 Peter 1:4-8)

by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1) (NIV)

Dealing with conflict biblically will never happen apart from heart-talk. What Jesus speaks about in Matthew 15:19 should give us pause as to where our evil desires and actions come from: “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.” What Ken Sande argues for and demonstrates in this chapter is that our hearts are the source and root cause of our conflicts (p.102). Because of this, there is a progression that can lead to an idolatrous life, not made out of wood, but out of our unmet desires.

The Progression of an Idol

I Desire

Every conflict has some kind of desire involved, whether good or bad. When one person does not meet your desires, there’s two roads you can take: trust God and ask for help in growing to be mature regardless of how the other person gets (James 1:2-4), as well as loving them and continue to pray for further opportunities to progress in your conflict resolution, or you can try and have your desire met, knowing that if it isn’t, you will start to become bitter towards that person which affects your relationship with them and dishonors God. The second option spirals down into what follows next.

I Demand

“Unmet desires have the potential of working themselves deeper and deeper into our hearts. This is especially true when we come to see a desire as something we need or deserve and therefore must have in order to be happy or fulfilled” (p.103). Easily, having an unmet desire (“I wish I had this”) could lead to an attitude of demand (“I must have this!”), which is the sign of idolatry.

The typical notion of an idol is a figure made out of wood that people sacrifice and bow down and worship, which most Americans do not see on a normal basis, hence thinking they do not have idols. However, the Bible has a different take on what an idol is:

An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. In biblical terms, it is something other than God that we set our heart on (Luke 12:29; 1 Cor. 10:19), that motivates us (1 Cor. 4:5), that masters and rules us (Ps. 119:133; Eph. 5:5), or that we trust, fear, or serve (Isa. 42:17; Matt. 6:24; Luke 12:4-5). In short, it is something we love and pursue more than God (see Phil. 3:19). (p.104)

Every follower of Christ still has their sinful nature within them, and so will continue to battle within themselves for their desires to be met, and once it moves to becoming a demand, we have created an idol. What this should not lead to is a mindset of succumbing to our demands simply for the fact that we do so on a regular basis. It does not please God, and leads further downwards.

I Judge

If we are not careful, our demands for what we want from others, if left unfulfilled, can draw us to become critical and condemning of others, with our words but primarily in our hearts. A biblical character that sounds like that is Satan (James 3:15; 4:7), who in his own mind considered himself greater than God, and seeing himself as a god of his own. This is the same attitude one possesses when he begins to judge others in this way: with a superiority complex, with indignation, bitterness or resentment. What is woefully lacking is having genuine love for the other and real concern for them throughout a conflict.

“The closer we are to others, the more we expect of them, and the more likely we are to judge them when they fail to meet our expectations” (p.107). That is a scary thing to see about our human nature.

I Punish

Idols always demand sacrifices. When someone fails to satisfy our demands and expectations, our idol demands that he should suffer. Whether deliberately or unconsciously, we will find ways to hurt or punish people so that they will give in to our desires. (p.108)

We either express it outwardly in our verbal attacks on others, or we do it more subtly, in order to get others to do what we want them to, regardless of their interests. When we act in this way, this is a clear sign that we are not living under the lordship of Christ; an idol has become our lord.

The Cure for an Idolatrous Heart

Any idol we have, we love, fear and trust—which are words that are used for worship. We worship our idols, instead of the true and living God (Matt. 22:37; Luke 12:4-5; John 14:1). We are not commanded by God to obey them at any time. How do we escape this?

Deliverance from Judgment

We must look to God alone, who has delivered his people in the past: “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me” (Exod. 20:2-3, NIV). Our freedom is found in Jesus Christ, God’s only provision for our sinful state. We need to look to Christ and put our complete trust in Him. When that happens, God not only delivers us, but He makes us His children, joint heirs of the grace of life, and makes us able to live a godly life this side of heaven (Gal. 4:4-7). We need to believe in the Gospel and repent.

Deliverance from Specific Idols

God knows our hearts, and knows we will still be marred with sin, and knows our struggles and battles with certain sins individually, and so wants to also deliver us from the idols that control us on a day-to-day basis. We need to identify them and confess them as sin, trusting in His provisions (His Word, His Spirit, and His church) to root it out of our lives. These three are God’s means of grace in a believers’ life, and His way of removing our idols to worship and live for Him.

Replace Idol Worship with Worship of the True God

“If we are not fulfilled and secure in God, we will inevitably seek other sources of happiness and security” (p.112). If you truly want to have the idols that control your heart completely removed, you need to pursue God more than anything else this world or your own heart may have to offer. To do that, we must:

1. Repent before God
2. Fear God
3. Love God
4. Trust God
5. Delight in God

“God has designed a wonderful cycle for those who want to worship him above all things. As you love, praise, give thanks, and delight yourself in God, he will fulfill your desires with the best gift: more of himself. And as you learn to delight more and more in him, you will feel less need to find happiness, fulfillment, and security in things of this world” (p.114).

If your response to God’s best gift is, “That’s all?” the one you worship is not God, but yourself, and you are in dangerous territory. Your heart is bowing down before a lesser god, which is no god, but an idol, and the life you live will be one of utter sin and condemnation before a holy God. You will never find true peace in any of your conflicts until you have found the Prince of Peace. Look to Him today to deliver you and draw you to Himself.

by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

When it comes to resolving conflict, there is much advice that is offered by many guides or authorities in the field of psychology, sociology, as well as religion. There’s also the popular advice of Dear Abby in the newspaper, or that from the likes of Wayne Dyer, Dr. Phil and Oprah on TV that many have adopted in terms of a “don’t judge me” type of attitude. What the Bible teaches has been neglected, so much so that not only does the world have absolutely no idea how to resolve conflict with any semblance of dealing with the right issue, but many in the church are greatly lacking in this area as well.

In the much misinterpreted passage of Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus lays out the proper instruction on how to address conflicts two people may have with each other. Although typically used as a proof-text to shut down any attempts at confronting another person, Christ draws a line toward judgment that is premature and improper, yet it does not rule out loving correction. This involves the prior removal of the log out of our own eye before addressing the speck of another, but the speck removal of another is just as necessary. By looking through our role in whatever conflict we find ourselves in, there must be two types of fault we avoid:

1. An overly-sensitive attitude, when you are easily offended by another person´s behavior, and
2. Sinful behavior, which you yourself may have brought (will be covered in chapters 5 and 6).

Define the Issues

There are two types of conflict:

1. Material, which deal with property, money, rights and responsibilities, and is resolved through cooperative negotiation
2. Personal, which deal with what goes on inside or between people, and is resolved through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness.

In real life, each type of conflict rarely occurs without the other. If a material conflict arises, it´s usually resolved when the personal issue is dealt with. When such is the case, the objective is to address what the primary material issue is and then get at the primary heart issue. The first question that will diagnose how to go about this is to ask, “Is this really worth fighting over?” When thinking about the conflicts you go through, the majority of them may be in the realm of “not worth fighting over,” and should be settled or simply let go as quickly as possible.

Overlook Minor Offenses

“In many situations, the best way to resolve a conflict is simply to overlook the personal offenses of others” (p.82), which is how God sees it:

Proverbs 19:11 – Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 17:14 – The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.

1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Ephesians 4:2 – [W]ith all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.

Colossians 3:13 – [B]earing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving one another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Just as God has forgiven us of sin, we should do the same, and see God’s model as one to follow. When we overlook minor offenses, it shouldn’t be passive in avoiding dealing with an issue that causes you to resent or become bitter and angry, which will explode at a later time. It should rather be an active process that shows mercy to the other person who wrongs you in a way where you do not hold it against them, or let it cause you to become bitter. This is a direct result of the Gospel’s work in a person.

Check Your Attitude – and Change It

One of the reasons we sometimes find it difficult to overlook offenses is that we have an overly sensitive attitude or a tendency to dwell on what others have done. One way to guard against this problem is to check your attitude in the light of God’s Word. (p.83)

5 principles Paul lays out in Philippians 4:2-9:

1. Rejoice in the Lord always (v.4)
2. Let your gentleness be evident to all (v.5)
3. Replace anxiety with prayer (v.6)
4. See things as they really are (v.8)
5. Practice what you learned (v.9)

Count the Cost

Another way to avoid unnecessary conflict is to consider the cost of unresolved conflict. Conflict is often much more expensive than we expect it to be. Unresolved disputes can consume large amounts of time, energy, and money, leaving you emotionally and spiritually exhausted. Worst of all, as long as a disagreement is unresolved, there is the potential for further damage to a relationship. (p.90)

What we need to do is count the cost immediately at the start of a conflict or dispute, because that is almost always the first thing that is neglected the moment we enter into one. This is why Jesus says:

Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny. (Matthew 5:25-26)

What about “Rights?”

One immediate response to one who asks such a question would be, “What about God’s rights?” We sin against God on a daily basis, and if he had any right to condemn, we would already be in hell. However, what God has done in forgiving us is an act of mercy, not justice/injustice. It may be unjust to exercise your “rights”: “When exercising a right allows you to avoid a moral responsibility or to take unfair advantage of others, you have not acted justly in the eyes of God, regardless of what a court might say” (p.92). Some diagnostic questions would be helpful at this point:

• “Will exercising my rights honor God by showing the power of the gospel in my life?”
• “Will exercising my rights advance God’s kingdom—or will it advance only my interests at the expense of his kingdom?”
• “Will exercising my rights benefit others?”
• “Is exercising my rights essential for my own well-being?” (p.92)

What we need to always remember is that Jesus, the Son of God, who owns everything, did not seek to exercise His right to life for the sake of preserving His kingly status as ruler of all. He gave it up to die for a people undeserving of it, and is a perfect picture of the grace of God. Is that not our goal in conflicts? Don’t we want to show our brothers and sisters in Christ this same picture? Don’t we desire to show our unbelieving family members and friends what God’s grace looks like? My God give that desire in our hearts.

by Stephen Rodgers

Because Cesar is still on the trip to Argentina with Pastor John, Pastor Patrick, and Mike, there won’t be a new Peacemaker article for you this week.  However, I wanted to very briefly remind you of the Peacemaker-related resources that we have made available so far:

• Previous articles in the series by both Stephen and Cesar can be found here.
• The audio files for the Peacemaking for Families class that Pastor Patrick has been doing can be found here.  The audio files for the Peacemaker class Peter, Mike, and Stephen have been doing can be found here.
• A series of articles and handouts illustrating and explaining the key points of the book are available for free from Peacemaker Ministries here.
• And last but not least, the Peacemaker Ministries blog entitled Route 5:9 can be found here.

We’ll continue our series of in-depth reviews of each chapter next week.  Thanks for your patience.

by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

The LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. (Psalm 32:10b) (NIV)

When you have a deeper understanding of how God relates to this world and His creatures, you get a better understanding of the purpose of conflict. This is what Ken Sande draws out as essential to seeing conflict the way the Bible presents it: as something God, in His sovereign power and goodness, purposely designed for us. You would think reading about the sovereignty of God would be discussed in situations solely dealing with theology—not so, according to Scripture. Without God’s “supreme, unlimited and totally independent” power (p.60), which is what sovereignty means, conflict could not be seen in any other light than what most people think: as a negative consequence natural in relationships, void of hope and resolution. This common view is what needs to be corrected by the truth of God’s sovereignty and goodness.

God is Sovereign

“One reason that Jesus and Paul trusted God so completely is that they knew he was in complete control of everything that happened in their lives. This perfect control is often referred to as ‘the sovereignty of God.’” (p.60)

What God alone has is power over everything that has happened, and also what will happen. His control extends to every government, as well as individual lives and where they go. What differs from society’s misconception of God is that He is very involved and wanting to know us individually, taking great interest in the details of our lives, like what Psalm 8:3-4 says: “When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?” What is included in this great control God has is control over many events in life that cause pain. One example comes from Isaiah 45:5-7, which tells us: “I am the LORD, and there is no other, besides me there is no God; I equip you, though you do not know me, that people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the LORD, and there is no other. I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the LORD, who does all these things.” This shows greatest in the crucifixion of the only innocent man on the earth who has ever lived, and who is also the Son of God: “this Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men” (Acts 2:23). Thus Sande writes,

Jesus did not die because God had lost control or was looking the other direction. God was fully in control at all times. He chose not to restrain the actions of evil men so that his plan of redemption would be fulfilled through the death and resurrection of his Son (Romans 3:21-26). (p.61)

Knowing this should not get us thinking that we have nothing to be held responsible for when in conflict (Matthew 12:36). We know that God ordains or orchestrates the events in our lives with a purpose in mind, including our conflicts, which should draw us to be ever more ready to handle conflict when it arises, because God designed this world knowing conflict would be inevitable.

God is Good

If all we knew was that God is in control of all that takes place, we would have a right to be afraid, since we would not know if He could do anything He pleases, which would either be good or bad. The great joy for Christians is that God has revealed Himself as good, and for our good in the most pure sense. Psalm 62:11-12a says: “Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O LORD, belongs steadfast love.” So, every trial that we go through is also for our good:

God also uses our trials to teach us how to minister to others when they are suffering (2 Cor. 1:3-5). Through our trials, we can set an example that will encourage others to depend on God and remain faithful to his commands (2 Cor. 1:6-11). (p.63)

One promise God has given to His people is that of 1 Corinthians 10:13, which tells us, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” He does this in 2 ways:

1. Sometimes He takes the problems away once they have fulfilled their purpose in our lives (2 Cor. 1:3-11).
2. He leaves problems in our lives, giving us the strength that is enough to win the battle over them on a daily basis, which shows His sustaining grace (2 Cor. 12:7-10).

Ken Sande sums up our response to this truth is

“…instead of wasting time and energy trying to figure out things that are beyond our comprehension, we need to turn our attention to the promises and instructions that God has revealed to us through Scripture. The Bible tells us that God is both sovereign and good, so we can be sure that whatever he has brought into our lives can be used to glorify him, to benefit others, and to help us grow.” (p.65)

The Path Has Been Marked

What these truths should lead a Christian to is trust in our God. “Trusting God means that in spite of our questions, doubts, and fears we draw on his grace and continue to believe that he is loving, that he is in control, and that he is always working for our good. Such trust helps us to continue doing what is good and right, even in difficult circumstances” (p.65). Among the godly who have shown great trust is Job (Job 42:2-3), Joseph (Gen. 37-50), David (Psa. 37:1-6), Peter and John (Acts 4:24, 27-29), and Paul (2 Cor. 4:7-18). Modern day examples include Jim and Elisabeth Elliot, as well as Joni Eareckson Tada. She writes (Sande quotes),

If examining the sovereignty of God teaches us anything, it teaches us that real satisfaction comes not in understanding God’s motives, but in understanding his character, in trusting in his promises, and in leaning on him and resting in him as the Sovereign who knows what he is doing and does all things well. (p.69)

What led to this trust is a recognition and conviction that God really is in control of all that happens in one’s life, and an unswerving commitment to stay firm in that truth, which comforts in the hardest of times, knowing that any and every trial, suffering, persecution comes not as an unexpected act by someone or some natural disaster, but ultimately by a God who loves us and will do all He can to show us His grace for our good. Even if it hurts, you can never accuse God of not wanting you to see Him in it and that He will get you through it, when you trust Him.

Trust Is a Decision

How you view God will deeply affect the way you see conflict. If you see God as solely sovereign but not good, He would be an accurate description of how Christopher Hitchens views God: a heavenly dictator. If He is good but not sovereign, you have a Santa Claus figure who cannot do a thing when trouble comes. The goal is not just resolved conflict, but a trust in the living God, who is both sovereign and good. Real resolution comes from a full trust in the God of Scripture who has spoken and has already resolved the deepest conflict that is the root of all other conflicts: the broken relationship between man and God in their full rebellion against His authority, character, and law. Our trust in God to help us resolve conflict comes from His willingness to send Jesus, His Son, to die on a cross for our sins and to remove the wrath that God has for everyone who continues to reject the only way of getting back to Him. They trust in their own “power” and “goodness” to get by in this world, including resolving conflicts, that never addresses the heart of the issue, and lives like those who say “‘peace, peace,’ when there is no peace” (Jeremiah 6:14). Our God saves, our God heals, and our God strengthens when we feel our weakest, because He is our strength, He is our healer, and He is our Savior.