by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz
Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.
If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (Matthew 18:15)
Coming to the 3rd G of Peacemaking — Gently Restore — we start with the issue that comes up between two people, and learning, as well as discerning, when to confront another about a sin issue.
Restoring Means More than Confronting
Looking at the above verse on its own could tempt people to think direct confrontation with another is the right way of addressing sin in another person’s life. However, upon examining the context of where this verse is found, Jesus speaks of restoring, not solely condemning, in dealing with a lost sheep and the reaction that follows once found. This is the mindset that Jesus wants us to adopt when we do confront others in sin: have the heart of a shepherd in pointing out the sin that leads them to wander away from God, and to bring them back. This is the same type of love Christ shows to each and every sinner who is brought back to God by His life, death and resurrection.
Scripture does mention direct confrontation as being necessary to address sin, but it isn’t the primary way of doing so, or even the common way of going about it:
Instead, [the Bible] calls us to use a wide spectrum of activities to minister to others, including confessing, teaching, instructing, reasoning with, showing, encouraging, correcting, warning, admonishing, or rebuking (Matt. 5:23-24; Luke 17:3; Acts 17:17; 1 Thess. 5:14; 2 Tim. 2:24; 4:2). (pp.144-5)
Instead, we need to depend on God in asking Him for wisdom for how best to approach one another and at what time is most appropriate to do so.
Sooner or Later, Face-to-Face
Some people believe it best to approach someone in private before involving other people. That might not always be the case; it might be best to bring other people into the conflict before meeting with them personally. Genesis 32-33, 50:15-16, 1 Samuel 25:18-35, 2 Samuel 14:1-23, and Acts 9:26-27 are cases in point where others are involved before a private encounter. The focus must be on meeting the needs of others:
[W]e should always show respect for the concerns, traditions, limitations, and special needs of others and ask God to show us how to communicate with them in the way that is most appropriate and helpful to them (Phil. 2:3-4). (p.147)
Generally, we want there to be genuine reconciliation to take place, and in some cases, face-to-face meetings are crucial to that end. This is shown in three ways (p.147):
- “Many of the passages related to restoring relationships clearly contemplate a direct conversation between the conflicting parties (see Matt. 5:23-24; 18:15; Luke 17:3).”
- “Scripture provides many examples of marvelous reconciliation that came about after personal meetings between people who had wronged each other, including Jacob and Esau (Genesis 33:6-12), Joseph and his brothers (45:1-5; 50:15-21), and Paul and the apostles (Acts 9:27-28).”
- “[T]he Bible also gives examples of disastrous results when the involvement of intermediaries allowed the parties to delay or avoid personal meetings involving genuine confession and forgiveness.”
In conflicts like that of David and Absalom or Shechem and Dinah, God wants there to be a genuine relationship that has real, personal communication (look at Exodus 33:11). This can lead to real restored relationships, and meeting one on one can help foster that.
If Someone Has Something against You
In Matthew 5:23-24, “Jesus said to be reconciled if your brother has something against you, implying that the obligation exists whether or not you believe his complaint is legitimate.” (p.149) The most obvious reason why we are to do this is because Jesus commands us to. Also, your witness will be affected if you disobey this, not demonstrating to your nonChristian friends the power of the Gospel that you claim you believe. Having peace of mind in dealing with conflict will keep you from having doubts about your peace with God. The last reason to start this process of reconciliation is out of concern and love for your brother and his having peace with God as well. We must actively pursue peace as often as we can in dealing with misunderstandings or miscommunication (Rom. 12:18; cf. 14:13-19).
When Someone’s Sins Are Too Serious to Overlook
Luke 17:3 says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” Here are some cases where approaching the other personally and privately is best:
Is It Dishonoring God?
“If someone who professes to be a Christian is behaving in such a way that others are likely to think less of God, of his church, or of his Word, it may be necessary to talk with that person and urge him to change his behavior.” (p. 151)
Is It Damaging Your Relationship?
“If you are unable to forgive an offense—that is, if your feelings, thoughts, words, or actions toward another person have been altered for more than a short period of time—the offense is probably too serious to overlook.”
Is It Hurting Others?
If people are hurt directly (child abuse or drunk driving), or are being led astray by one’s behavior, in some cases where it gets Christians to take sides, it can lead to a disunity in the body and a disruption of peace that is not beneficial to the growth of others (Titus 3:10).
Is It Hurting the Offender?
“Finally, sin needs to be addressed when it is seriously harming the offender, either by direct damage (e.g., alcohol abuse) or by impairing his or her relationship with God or other people. Looking out for the well-being of other Christians, especially those in your own family or congregation, is a serious responsibility. Unfortunately, because many Christians have adopted the world’s view that everyone should be allowed to ‘do his own thing,’ some believers will do nothing, even when they see a brother or sister ensnared in serious sin.” (p. 152)
We should not be eager in showing someone their faults—that most likely means we aren’t the right people to do so. On the other side are those who refuse to ever confront anyone, citing “Do not judged, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1), completely ignoring the context of Jesus’ condemnation of hypocritical judging, but not all forms of judgment, as you read on in v.5: “you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Another idea is when someone says, “Only God can judge me.” “But God often uses another persin to speak the words that a sinner needs to hear to see the need to repent (e.g., 2 Sam. 12:1-13; 2 Tim. 2:24-26.” (p.154)
What would be helpful is understanding whether one’s offense is serious enough to confront by looking at the words “caught” (Greek prolambano) and “restore” (Greek katartizo). If he is caught in a sin while being off guard or dragging him down, go to him. If his sin is affecting his spiritual growth or becoming less useful for God, go to him. Anything less than this should probably be overlooked, while praying that God would help bring about change in their life.
Special Considerations
Going to Non-Christians
Our concern for others does not change with regards to the state of belief one may or may not have. Scripture calls us to “live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18). Most of what is covered can be applied with regards to a non-Christian. This could be a way of leading someone to faith in Christ.
Going to a Person in Authority
All sin, including leaders (1 Tim. 5:19-20). Doing so in a way that respects their authority is a major help in dealing with one’s sin, and may lead to them respecting you as well.
Dealing with Abuse
This can especially happen with those in authority above you. However, if it is a verbal or even physical abuse, it may be best to consult others and get them involved in dealing with the situation. If the person claims to be a Christian, it is the responsibility of the church to help and handle the situation as best they can. This includes calling the person to repentance, as well as confession of their sin, leading to some type of counseling, and possible legal consequences that they must deal with.
Go Tentatively and Repeatedly
Until you have heard the other side from the horses’ mouth, so to speak, don’t assume the one who complains to you is automatically in the right. Help with their sin, and see how they respond. If they do not come to repent of their sin, give them time, reevaluate what you suggested, and then address them again. Do it in a way where privately it can be done, and no dissension arises within the church. If it gets past that, consider whether it really is the right course to take in confronting them.
After the Log Is Out of Your Eye
A good thing to keep in mind, in dealing with Matthew 7:3-5, is that when you confess your sins, it makes it easier and more willing for others to ask for forgiveness as well. However that is not always the case. There are four ways to do so:
- You may simply overlook the offense.
- You may build on the other’s superficial confession.
- You may need to talk about the other person’s sin now.
- You may postpone confrontation until the appropriate time.
This speck-removal not only helps us to see the other clearly, it also allows us, as we take up our daily crosses, to be reminded how wonderfully God has created us, and lets us see God clearly, primarily through His Son who had died on the cross and is alive today.
