by Thomas and Karen Fong

We’ve been married since January and are enjoying married life and all that comes with it. In our short time being married, Grace Life has been a great help to us. In second hour, we are currently going through Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande and Tom Raabe. As we intertwine our lives, we are finding areas where we differ in how we handle and approach things.

Since marriage is the joining of two sinners, there are bound to be conflicts and disagreements. Ours is no different. As single adults, decisions were a bit easier and less complicated because we didn’t have the other half to consider or consult. There are times when we differ in point of views, how we react, the approach we take, and struggle with selfishness. It has been hard dealing with disagreements and conflicts when both of us are escapists. It has been very helpful to be reminded that conflicts tear apart our relationship with each other, but most importantly with God. As escapists, it’s easy to think about ourselves and forget about the other party and see that the conflict can affect their worship to God. One thing we’ve been reminding each other as we encounter conflicts is that it’s a great opportunity for us to glorify God, serve each other and grow in Christ-likeness when we seek reconciliation to restore our relationship with God and each other. It’s been helpful reminding each other that it is also a time to be challenged and to grow together.

It’s also been humbling to constantly see how sinful our hearts are and how unforgiving we can be. We’ve been convicted of what forgiveness truly is, not only in our marriage relationship, but with family and friends as well. It’s so easy to just say “I forgive you,” but allow our actions, thoughts, and heart to dwell on the offenses. Sande and Raabe describes it very well,

“Forgiveness is not a feeling, not forgetting, not excusing. It is an act of the will, a decision not to think or talk about what someone has done. It is an active process involving a conscious choice and a deliberate course of action. It is the canceling of a debt that your spouse has incurred because of improper behavior or words. It brings us back together after an offense has separated us from each other.“ (p.85)

We’ve been challenged and convicted to actively decide to not dwell or talk about the other’s offenses, but to dwell on the positive. Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.” This is the Replacement Principle and it’s a great reminder for us when struggling with an inability to forgive.

Grace Life has been a great source of encouragement for us as it has confirmed things we have been doing well in our communication and conflict resolution as well as teaching us other ways to help us effectively resolve our conflicts, negotiate, and come to creative and adequate options. We look forward to the upcoming chapters of the book and are excited for the challenges it brings.