by Elder Peter Lim

Conflicts between people are inevitable. Because this has the potential to alienate one another and cause the church to lose its effective witness to the world, we take it very seriously at LBC. I hope no one is getting tired of learning more on this subject as we’ve been covering the topic at retreats, sermons, Bible studies, etc. It takes time and effort to teach this subject in a way that isn’t simply a “how-to” manual of the required steps involved in conflict resolution. This is because conflict is one of the best indicators of the heart’s condition and shouldn’t be treated as if following a few simple steps is going to solve the problem. The heart is revealed when the facts of the conflict are known. This revelation should cause the offender to be pierced to the heart for his own depravity. It should also cause the offended to realize that although he has been wronged, he himself has offended God many times and has experienced the grace of God so that he couldn’t possibly withhold forgiveness to a fellow sinner. So both parties should end up being more reminded of the gospel. This is a good result of a bad situation.

Unfortunately, many real-world scenarios are not so ideal. Oftentimes, people lack the courage and the wisdom to make true peace with one another. I wanted to write about one of these scenarios today. Specifically, people in general have a hard time apologizing correctly. Some reasons for this difficulty include:

• A desire to “move forward” as soon as possible
• A desire to minimize the culpability of one’s own action
• A desire to leave options open in case it is later revealed that there is another plausible explanation so that one can escape blame
• Not wanting the other party to think that they have no culpability
• It’s not pleasant to admit wrongdoing

Sometimes people are too quick to “apologize.” They don’t take any time to really consider how they might’ve offended someone. They don’t make the effort to put themselves in the other person’s shoes to truly grasp the severity of the pain that they have caused. An excessively quick response of “I’m sorry” can have the opposite effect. Instead of moving forward to true peace, it causes the offended to feel victimized again because of an inadequate expression of sorrow. This can get even worse if the offender tries to reprimand the offended for not granting a quick and full forgiveness. Whether an apology is made too quickly or more appropriately, it should be accompanied by supporting actions and attitudes. In fact, apologies should be made excessively to the extent that the offended is abundantly clear that one is truly sorry. Yes, it’s humbling to repeatedly apologize but it’s worth it because of what is at stake here. Every offender needs to be alert for signs of an inadequate apology received by the offended, and make every effort to apologize better. If the offended doesn’t want to forgive, it’s one of those situations where the offender should rather be wronged and continue to humble himself and apologize again. What an opportunity to be like Jesus and be wronged… for the sake of those who don’t deserve it. It’s a wonderful opportunity to exhibit grace. Therefore, let us endeavor to glorify God in our apologies by doing it excessively and not giving the devil an opportunity to drive a wedge of division between people.