by Pastor Patrick Cho
When I was engaged to Christine, we used to discuss what to expect in marriage with the older married couples of the church. Surprisingly and without fail, every couple warned us about the hardships and strains that come with marriage. We received almost no positive feedback or encouragement. Instead, the consistent report was that marriage was difficult. I remember growing a little disillusioned and even embittered by this at the time. I wondered, “Why did you get married at all if it’s so bad? Maybe it’s better to stay single since that’s so much easier!” I remember telling Christine that if other engaged couples talked to us about marriage, we were only going to speak positively to affirm how wonderful it is. They could get the discouraging news from everyone else!
Now that I have been married for over seven years, I understand better where those other couples were coming from and I agree with them that marriage is hard work. That isn’t all it is (it is wonderful, too!), but it certainly is that. I can see that those couples were lovingly trying to prepare us for the worst trials and experiences so that we would not be unnecessarily caught off guard or unprepared. The truth is that marriage is hard and it requires intense devotion, constant vigilance, and self-sacrifice. Paul wrote to the Corinthians that wives are to submit to their husbands, and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:22, 25). These are not easy instructions! They are extremely difficult and even impossible apart from Christ.
There is a romantic tendency in many engaged Christian couples to think it won’t be as difficult for them. They reason, “We will never fight, and even if we do, we will reconcile quickly” or “Think about how great we get along! After all, how could marriage be all that different than dating?” Older, more experienced couples sometimes smile (scoff?) at the naivete and foolishness of young love. It is essential that young couples be prepared for the difficulties that come with marriage while still believing that it is a wonderful institution created by God for our good.
Does it have to be difficult? It depends on what you mean by “difficult.” Does it have to be exasperating and frustrating? I suppose not. But does it have to require hard work? Absolutely. This is because we are not naturally inclined to pursue God’s glory with our lives and relationships. We are not naturally inclined to love Him and others. Our sin stands in the way of our having ideal marriages, and unfortunately we deal with our sin (not to mention the sin of our spouses) every day. Too often we struggle with self-centeredness, pride, anger, jealousy, and discontentment. We struggle because our natural bent is merely to care for ourselves and satisfy our own desires.
Many marriages struggle today in particular because couples have failed at putting in the work to make their relationships strong and successful. Couples don’t spend quality time together but instead allow precious time to go wasted. Hundreds of opportunities to have meaningful conversations are averted. Too often the only times families pray together is before meals. Husbands come home from work with a sense of entitlement to rest and relaxation instead of investing in their marriages. TVs, computers, and gaming systems are flipped on and wives are neglected because of the desire to satisfy “me time.” I am particularly calling out husbands because the Bible teaches that the burden of responsibility to lead spiritually in the home rests on them.
Whose interests are most important in the home? Is it the interests of the husband who provides the leadership and direction? Is it the interests of the wife whom the husband serves and loves sacrificially? The answer is neither. Ultimately, both husband and wife need to think about God’s interests for their lives. The husband needs to consider what kind of man God wants him to be, and the wife needs to consider what kind of woman God wants her to be. It is ultimately about having a relationship that is honoring and glorifying to Him. But again, this takes work. It isn’t simply going to happen because both husband and wife are Christian. Spiritual health doesn’t just occur in a vacuum. They need to work at it in faith by being obedient to Scriptures commands and principles in full dependence on the Lord.
Ask yourself these questions to help gauge the spiritual quality of your marriage. Do you and your spouse regularly pray for and with one another? Do you and your spouse regularly talk about spiritual issues and concerns? Do you and your spouse read and study God’s Word together? Do you and your spouse actively love and serve others in the church? These are spiritual investments that will reap tremendous spiritual benefits for your marriage. But more so, working at spiritually strengthening your marriage will bring glory to God.
Besides focusing on spiritual concerns, practical steps can be taken to further strengthen the marriage bond. Do you and your spouse regularly and frequently affirm each other emotionally and physically? Do you make time for one another to have meaningful conversations? Do you have fun together and cultivate your friendship? Do you listen to each other’s requests, desires, and opinions? Do you endeavor to further learn about each other and deepen your relationship?
If you are solely focused on satisfying personal desires, if you believe you rightfully deserve “me time” at the expense of working at marriage, you shouldn’t be surprised that your marriage lacks the strength God intends it to have. Too many couples seek counseling when their relationship is all falling apart knowing that they haven’t done much to build up and sharpen each other (cf. Prov. 27:17). Sadly, most couples have some sense of what they need to do, but they simply don’t do it. This is one vital area where good intentions fall short and talk is cheap. Especially in prayer and dependence upon the Spirit of God, let’s work to build strong marriages for the glory of God.