by Josh Liu

Introduction

Relationships permeate throughout Scripture. A passing glance notes the following relationship pairs: king-servant, commander-soldier, master-slave, friend-enemy, parent-child, brother-sister, leader-follower, and so on.

One also sees friendships saturate Scripture. Friendships are indeed complicated in a fallen world. I was personally introduced to the concept of “frenemies” recently (acting friendly toward a person but inwardly considering him as an enemy with ill intentions). Also, the development and expansion of social media has impacted relationships and friendships (“friend” can now be used as a verb: to friend, friending, unfriend). Friendships are a significant part of childhood, adolescence, and life. What does the Bible teach about friendships? Do friendships differ between Christians and non-Christians?

Consider one blogger’s thoughts: “Think about a friend. When you met them, what was your basis for conversation? Did you meet and connect with them because you both had a radical love for Jesus Christ in common, and that you both love reading Scripture and loved to sharpen one another? Or is the basis of your relationship talking about sports and movies? Not to say talking about such things is worldly, but if it is your foundation, you have a worldly relationship. Do not even the pagans have such friends for the same reasons? Why do you think a Christian relationship is different from the world? If two people are Christians, come together by reason of everything but Christ, how does that make their relationship any different from two people who aren’t saved?” (Garry Andreano, Biblical Muse, “Friendship: Godly vs. Worldly,” June 29, 2012 – Note: I do not agree with this author’s doctrinal positions, beliefs, and Scriptural interpretations as reflected in his About page; yet his probing questions are helpful.)

Friendship in the Bible

There is no concise definition of friendship in Scripture. Rather, the Bible presents a wide range of relationships with the label “friend”: friend, neighbor, acquaintance, relative, stranger, intimate partner, enemy, companion, associate.

• There are varying descriptions of friendship: the intimacy of friendship (cf. Deut. 13:6; Ps. 41:9), cordiality (cf. Ruth 4:1), loyalty (cf. 2 Sam. 16:16-17), companionship (Ps. 55:13; 88:18), and a neighbor (cf. Ps. 7:4; 15:3).
• Scripture speaks of friendship between God and man: Moses (Ex. 33:11), Abraham (2 Chron. 20:7; Is. 41:8), believers (cf. John 15:15). Scripture illustrates friendships between men: David and Jonathan (1 Sam. 18:1ff), Job and his friends (Job 2:11-13), Jesus and sinners (Matt. 11:19), Jesus and Judas (Matt. 26:50), loyalty to Caesar (John 19:12), and in the parables (Matt. 20:13; Luke 11:5ff; 14:10).
• The Book of Proverbs provides a rich study on friendship (Prov. 17:17; 18:24; 19:4-6; 27:6, 9, 10).

Working Definitions

From a broad study on friendship in Scripture, I have formulated the following personal tentative definitions. (See also Cesar’s adapted definition mentioned in his post, quoting from the book, The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship).

• A worldly friendship is a relationship that serves a personal “need” (desire) or expectation.
• A biblical friendship is a relationship that gives opportunity to live as a witness of and for God’s glory.

I want to clarify that when I address friendship hereafter, I am referring to a relationship between individuals (to whatever extent) and the act of Christ-like friendliness toward another. In other words, I will use friendship in the sense of relationship and befriending. I recognize some difference between intimacy and relationship. However, I believe some make an inappropriate use of intimacy to determine friendship. For example, one may have a “friend” that others may consider a peer or acquaintance. People create a gradation of intimacy for a spectrum of friendships (e.g. from least intimate to most intimate: a familiarity (“know of”), peer, acquaintance, friend, best friend). I am not addressing friendship in the following with this subjective sense of intimacy. In other words, I do not think “I don’t really know him, so we aren’t friends” is an appropriate evaluation of a friendship.

Ultimately, a biblical friendship is always possible, while recognizing that simply because two individuals are Christians does not result in the activity of friendship. Also, Christians can have a worldly friendship. May the following study exhort and challenge you to honor God with your relationships.

Three Distinctives of a Biblical Friendship

This is most certainly not an exhaustive list, but a primer into a study considering Christian (biblical) relationships.

1. A biblical friendship has at its foundation Christ

Perhaps one of the most common descriptions I hear concerning friendships in general is commonality–shared interests, experiences, direction/goal, philosophies, circumstances, history, etc. There is nothing wrong with this, but consider what was challenged in the introduction: what sets your friendships apart from the world?

Commonality is indeed important (of which my purpose for this article would prevent me from expounding). So then, let us consider how Christ is the ultimate point of convergence for believers.

A biblical friendship, a friendship between true followers of Christ, is founded upon Christ. This foundation of Christ establishes the greatest and most comprehensive commonalities. In other words, believers share a number of aspects that are of eternal value through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. An implication of this is that believers cannot appropriately conclude to not share a friendship with each other based on a lack of commonality (e.g. “We go to the same church, but we aren’t friends. We don’t have the same interests” etc.). I believe that because of the surpassing worth and work of Christ, believers have the most in common; any two genuine believers can be intimate friends.

Here are ten commonalities between believers:

1 – Believers share a common experience

Every genuine believer shares a common conversion experience. For all have sinned and are condemned to death (Rom. 3:23; 6:23; Ezek. 18:4b); there is no one righteous (Rom. 3:10); every person is sinful from birth (Ps. 51:5); every person’s heart is filled with evil (Gen. 6:5); every person’s heart is terminally, spiritually ill, which perpetually blinds them to their sinful condition (Jer. 17:9); every person faces God’s righteous wrath (Rom. 1:18ff); sin has tainted everything every person does (Is. 64:6; Mark 7:21-23; James 1:13-15); every person is commanded to repent and turn to Christ in faith (Matt. 4:17; John 3:14-15); every person who believes in Christ will be saved (John 3:16; Acts 4:12). These shared truths among believers continue on, some of which will be expanded in the following similarities.

The greatest, most significant experience in a believer’s life is the conviction of his unrighteousness before the holiness of God, sorrow that leads to repentance, and new life in Christ; it is the passing from spiritual death unto spiritual life with Christ. How great it is for another soul to experience the same overwhelming forgiveness and love of the Lord!

Bonds and friendships are formed on lesser experiences (e.g. academic or work related experiences, ethnic or race related experiences, upbringing, athletic conditioning, disasters and trials in life, mistakes or accidents, addictions, etc.). I am not at all trivializing or dismissing all other experiences. I consider these experiences as lesser experiences in the sense that they are transitory, often dependent on physical circumstances, not of eternal value, and devoid of Christ and His Word. I recognize that God uses these experiences in transforming a soul; hence, the unique details of a believer’s testimony of God’s saving work in his life that sets his testimony apart from another’s. Yet every genuine believer’s testimony resonates with the same truth, for God saves every sinner in the same way–by grace through faith in Jesus Christ (Eph. 2:1-10; Titus 3:3-7).

Christ establishes the greatest common experience between redeemed sinners, such that believers can come together intimately. This truth paves the way for the following commonalities, which will receive briefer attention.

2 – Believers share a common victory

Every genuine believer shares a common victory over sin and death through Christ’s resurrection. The Christian life is not a battle between the forces of sin and the Holy Spirit within the believer’s heart (in the sense of a continuous teeter tottering from falling in and out of favor with God). Rather, because Christ physically rose from the dead after three days, He conquered sin and death for those whom He redeems (1 Cor. 15:50-58). The war is won; none can oppose God and condemn God’s elect (Rom. 8:28-39)! While the struggle with indwelling sin is real, Christ has provided the strength to overcome (cf. Rom. 6:17-18; 8:13; 1 Cor. 10:13; 1 John 2:14; 4:4; 5:4-5; Rev. 21:4, 7). Every believer can shout the words of one song, “The enemy has been defeated; death couldn’t hold You down; we’re going to lift our voice in victory; we’re going to make Your praises loud!”

3 – Believers share a common authority

Every genuine believer shares the same divine Master, and submits to the same divine Word. This differs from other religions that exalt human religious figures or rites (e.g. saints and penance, Muhammad, etc.). God has demanded full devotion, full surrender, full submission to Him (Matt. 6:24; Rom. 12:1; Luke 9:23). Also, God’s Word is the final authority (2 Tim. 3:16-17; Heb. 4:12; 2 Pet. 1:19; John 15:7). There is no confusion as to who believers submit to–God and His Word. There are no human allegiances (1 Cor. 1:12-13); no special secret revelation contrary to or added to God’s completed Word (cf. Gal. 1:8; Rev. 22:18-19); no room for competing masters (Rom. 6:16-18; cf. 1 Kings 18:21). All believers serve and worship one King, and all obey His Word.

4 – Believers share a common pursuit

Every genuine believer is called to pursue Christ (Phil. 3:7-14; Matt. 22:37) and to love one another (Matt. 22:39). These two life commitments are fulfilled in a myriad of ways. For example, all believers are called to make disciples of Christ throughout the nations (Matt. 28:18-20), to preserve unity of the body of Christ (Eph. 4:1ff), and to faithfully carry out God’s Will.

All believers seek to accomplish (pursue) God’s Will (adapted from John MacArthur’s article, “What is the will of God for my life?”):

That you be saved (cf. 1 Tim. 2:4; 2 Pet. 3:9; John 4:60).

That you be Spirit-filled (cf. Eph. 5:18; Col. 3:16).

That you be sanctified (1 Thess. 4:3; cf. 1 Cor. 6:17; 9:27; 1 Pet. 4:2).

That you submit to God (James 4:7), to one another (Eph. 5:21), to your spouse (Eph. 5:22, 28), to your church leaders (Heb. 13:7, 17), to the government (1 Pet. 2:13, 15).

That you suffer (1 Pet. 4:19; 5:10).

That you say thanks (1 Thess. 5:18).

5 – Believers share a common goal

Every genuine believer shares the common goal of being with Christ in glory (John 17:24; cf. 2 Cor. 3:18). All believers are called to persevere until Christ’s return, to be faithful in the present, and to one day hear, “well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master” (Matt. 25:21).

6 – Believers share a common conduct

Every genuine believer shares the conduct befitting the gospel of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:27). Every believer is called to follow the example and conduct of Christ (cf. John 13:14-15; 1 Pet. 2:21; Phil 2:5).

7 – Believers share a common family

Every genuine believer shares God the Father as his or her own heavenly Father (John 1:12; Rom. 8:15-16; 1 John 5:1-3). Believers are spiritually and eternally enjoined to the family of God (cf. Eph. 2:19; 1 Tim. 5:1-2).

8 – Believers share common desires

Every genuine believer no longer lives for his or her own personal (selfish) desires, but shares the desires of God (cf. Gal. 2:20; 2 Cor. 5:14-15).

9 – Believers share a common sacrifice and suffering

Every genuine believer shares the same sacrifice of self for Christ (Matt. 10:38-39), and persecution on the account of Christ (Matt. 5:10-12; 1 Pet. 4:12-16).

10 – Believers share a common hope and encouragement

Every genuine believer shares the same hope of Christ’s return (1 Thess. 4:16-17; Titus 2:13; Phil. 3:20; Heb. 9:28; Rev. 22:20; cf. Gal. 5:5). Every believer receives encouragement from God’s character and conduct (cf. 2 Cor. 12:9).

Christ as the foundation produces the greatest commonalities (i.e. the greatest experience, greatest victory, greatest authority, and so on).

While this list is also not exhaustive, what more do you demand for a friendship before demonstrating the friendship–the shared aspects of eternal, surpassing value–that Christ has established between His followers?

2. A biblical friendship forms a true and lasting bond

The foundation of Christ is truly of greatest significance. The following distinctives of a biblical friendship help to further explore its implications, yet as such will receive briefer attention.

The biblical friendship holds true, eternal, and intimate unity (cf. Rom. 12:3ff; Eph. 4:1ff). It is held together by God the Father, God the Son (Eph. 1:22-23), and God the Holy Spirit (Rom. 8:16). Friendship with God (being reconciled to God) provides the way for true friendship with one another (true reconciliation with one another). For example, believers are to forgive one another as God forgave (Col. 3:13). Any rebellious attempts to create conflict and division between God’s people ultimately attack the character of God (cf. 1 Cor. 1:13). There is a special regard for those within the family of God (Gal. 6:10).

The biblical friendship is characterized by deep intimacy. Since Christ is the foundation and every believer submits to the Word of God, believers are able to understand and address deep heart issues together. Unbelievers cannot understand nor appropriately guide a believer to knowing and loving Christ more, particularly by putting off sin. The communion and fellowship believers share through Christ involves real profound intimacy, unmatched by any other relationship.

This unity and intimacy is eternal and pervades every area of life. The biblical friendship is not relegated to merely within the church building or Sunday mornings. It is two lives being lived together for Christ. The absence of such unity and intimacy in a believer’s life may be an indication of unfaithfulness, immature understanding, or misapplication of Scripture (i.e. the “one another” commands given to the local church). How are you pursuing and developing these friendships bonded through Christ? How are you sharpening another (Prov. 27:17) or considering others’ interests before your own (Phil. 2:3-4)?

3. A biblical view of friendship leads to “faithful friending”

Consider this scenario: Would you be Adolf Hitler’s friend? Why or why not?

Every genuine believer is called to impartially befriend others–to incarnate the love and truth of Christ. Remember, the biblical friendship is a relationship that gives opportunity to live as a witness of and for God’s glory. In other words, justifying an attitude of retaliation, harboring an offense, desiring ill upon another, opposing a friendship, or refusing to extend the love of Christ to another is a distorting of passages like “an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth” (cf. Ex. 21:24) or desiring the destruction of another (cf. Ps. 58; 69; 109; 137). Christ’s commands and conduct sets forth this “faithful friending.”

The genuine believer can faithfully friend anyone. For example, Jesus Christ demonstrated the all-encompassing command to love God and neighbor through the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). Even those considered enemies, Christ taught His disciples to love them and pray for those who persecute them (Matt. 5:43-44). While not condoning sin, Jesus pursued and welcomed sinners (Matt. 9:11-13; John 8:3-11; cf. Rom. 12:16).

Faithful friending involves sacrifice. It will require the denial of self to serve the needs of others (cf. Phil. 2:3-4; Matt. 5:38-42). For example, Paul sent Epaphroditus to the church in Philippi because Epaphroditus was distressed about the church’s concern for him as he exhausted himself in ministry for their sake (Phil. 2:25-30). James taught that genuine faith evidences itself outwardly in the care for others (James 1:27; 2:14-17; 5:1-6).

Faithful friending is active. In other words, reaching out to others to be a witness of and for God’s glory is not contingent on convenience or opportunistic circumstances. Believers are called to actively minister to others in the means that God has provided (cf. Matt. 5:16; 25:31-40; Eph. 2:10; Titus 2:14; Gal. 6:1-2).

Conclusion

How do Christian friendships differ from non-Christian friendships? Ultimately, Christ makes all the difference. Christ is the foundation of biblical friendships (and results in a litany of commonalities between His elect); Christ brings about true, lasting bonds between believers; and Christ commissions His followers to faithfully friend others for the glory of God.

Evaluate your friendships. Are they worldly or biblical? Are they self-serving or Christ-centered? Are they purposed for worldly, selfish gain or for the glory of God? Are they developed, deepened, and maintained through subjective, unbiblical means or according to Christ as revealed in His Word? Do you have radical–biblical–friendships?

Aside: Separation

While there are many questions not addressed above, I would like to briefly comment on the issue of separation here.

Similar to the issue of divorce and remarriage (cf. Matt. 5:32; 19:9), there are biblically permissible situations where separation from another (physically or relationally) is acceptable; but it is not the norm or the desired result. Many seek to justify separation with unbiblical reasons. Some argue that there are natural obstacles to a friendship with a particular individual (e.g. “we just don’t get along”), and thus justify no friendship or friending toward that person. Are you called to be a friend toward everyone? Ultimately, yes. If God removed the largest obstacle between you and Him (i.e. sin), what obstacle is truly justified in opposing a friendship with another believer?

At the same time, there is wisdom and discernment in the exercise of friendship with another person. I recognize that due to the fallen nature of creation and the depravity of man (including indwelling sin in a regenerated believer), there are real issues (e.g. unfaithful spouse, abuse, geographical distance, the refusal to reconcile by the other party, etc.). Yet, you are called to be faithful to God in the circumstances He has placed you in. Still, you cannot completely justify the refusal of a friendship with a person. Be challenged by Christ’s compassion toward Judas Iscariot (cf. John 13:1-30).

Some argue for some extent of separation between the genders. I’ll address this at greater length in the following article.

Some may be confused by passages that seem to teach severing a relationship or friendship; for example, Matthew 18:15-20, 1 Corinthians 5:1-11, and 2 Thessalonians 2:14. I do not intend on expounding each of these texts. In general, sin disrupts relationships (cf. James 4:1-2). A relationship or friending cannot continue on as if everything is well; things are not well if there remains unaddressed, unrepentant sin. Christ Himself was a friend of sinners; not a friend of sin. Also, related to this, there is a principle of radically avoiding and amputating that which tempts to sin (cf. Prov. 5:8; Matt. 5:29-30).

Some are counseled to “separate” for some time after broken relationships (e.g. post-dating relationship, conflict). In general, the relationship or friendship is not the main issue. Rather, it was the occasion for what was already in the heart to manifest itself. The removal of such opportunity for the heart to sinfully manifest itself is an attempt to allow an individual to undistractedly confront and work on heart issues. In general, the complete severance of a friendship is not encouraged.