Book: The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship by Jonathan Holmes

Review by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

When you think of friends, what immediately comes to mind? For many, the popular 90’s show Friends, with six quirky characters, and the catchy theme song, pops in their head. Or, you may think back to your high school days when you had a group of people that you regularly spent time with during lunch, in class, or outside the classroom. Maybe you think of your buddies that were on the same team with you in whatever sport you participated. Or, you may just think to yourself, “I wish I had friends.”

We typically think of friends as the people we get along with best, have the most in common with, enjoy a hobby together, or even live with. The common interests that are shared are generally what keep you guys (or gals) staying friends. We use phrases like, “We really gel well,” or, “We’ve been through so much together” in order to describe the friendships we have, and continually seek more of the same. We spend time with them because we like them, and (as far as we know) they like us; we always feel like we have a good time together.

Other times, a disagreement arises between friends, which can fester and color our interactions with each other in the future. A careless word is spoken, a misunderstood action is done to the other, or expectations have become unrealized. Now we’re on the lookout for a better friend, one who won’t disappoint us the way our last friend did, and on and on the cycle continues. We start to wonder what it is about others that cause friendships to end, and what is wrong with us that we seem to be out on the market for another friend for the umpteenth time. Is there any way we can get out of this spiral?

Enter The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship, a short book written by Pastor Jonathan Holmes of Parkside Church. Looking at the landscape of friendships amongst Christians in terms of its formation and maintenance, Holmes notices that friendships between Christians don’t look all that different than friendships outside the church. His concern is that God’s view of friendships has been largely overlooked, and calls for a renewed understanding of Scripture’s teaching on the subject: “I want to try to show you God’s great design for biblical friendship and describe how we can all take concrete steps toward the kind of friendships that can and should exist among believers.” (p. 17)

Rooting the origin of friendship in the Triune nature of God Himself, Holmes identifies man’s nature as made in His image to best reflect that image in terms of a community. As Genesis 2:18 says, “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.” The focus of this verse has been on the created design that a wife be her husband’s helper, and rightly so. However, an overlooked fact is that God began that statement identifying the relational aspect of man in saying, “it is not good that the man should be alone.” The pursuit of friendships supersedes that of common interest, and instead focuses on the nature of man as a relational being, made to reflect God as Triune.

The problem of friendships has everything to do with the Fall, and how it has affected our relationship with God, our motives for friendship, and our relationships with others. We no longer pursue friendship as an extension of glorifying God, but to gain some personal benefit. Whom we become friends with tell a story, either in what we look for in a friend (common interest, be it sports or a hobby), or in demonstrating the power of God working in the lives of two sinners in need of redeeming grace. Typically, the former is what drives many people to friendship, leading to a different story told other than the gospel’s transforming power.

“When we embody biblical friendship, we bear Jesus’ image, his character, his priorities, and his glory. No longer will our friendships be situated merely around common circumstances or interests, but will instead become an embodied commitment to live out the image of God together in every area of our life.” (p. 25)

All that being said, what then is friendship?

“Biblical friendship exists when two or more people, bound together by a common faith in Jesus Christ, pursue him and his kingdom with intentionality and vulnerability. Rather than serving as an end in itself, biblical friendship serves primarily to bring glory to Christ, who brought us into friendship with the Father. It is indispensable to the work of the gospel in the earth, and an essential element of what God created us for.” (p. 27)

Remembering the fact that Jesus died and resurrected, and He now calls you friend, Holmes spends the rest of the book fleshing out this definition, and demonstrating how Scripture gives a full-orbed, comprehensive picture of what friendship looks like through God’s eyes. Chapter 2 looks at the substitutes for biblical friendship that many tend to fall into: social media, specialized interest (stage of life, common interest), and selfish friendships. His quotation of Nicholas Tuffnell on the problem with Facebook Friend lays bare the futility of seeking those kind of friendships:

“On a slightly deeper note, there’s something about the relentless happiness of people on Facebook that I find monstrous. Everyone is apparently always somewhere better than I am and what’s more, they’re having a brilliant time. My life is not like that. In reality, no one’s life is like that, these are of course constructed narratives, our “best ofs”— but sometimes it’s hard to reason to yourself that these people aren’t having fun all the time when all you ever see of them is pictures of them having fun all the time. I suddenly start to feel pangs of inadequacy and jealousy… and these people are supposed to be my friends.” (p. 33)

Chapter 3 focuses its attention on what the marks of biblical friendship are: constancy, candor, carefulness, and counsel. Getting his cue from Proverbs, Holmes lays out a beautiful picture of friendship that Scripture has painted concerning friendship that demonstrates the wisdom of God in providing for us what may draw us closer to Him. Constancy is a rarity amongst friends, as different and varied reasons are given for why friendships end, some good, but most bad. One only has to think of friendships among elementary school-aged children to see how fickle ‘friendships’ last. Proverbs 18:24 states, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Biblical friendship has a consistency built within, because the end goal is maturity in Christ, and that doesn’t stop until we see Him face to face.

Candor deals with the ability of another to speak the truth in love for the good of your friend, and vice versa. Proverbs 27:5-6 states, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. [6] Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” More than just giving correction, a friend is one who will defend you against the world, the Evil One, and your flesh.

Carefulness emphasizes the care one should have for another as a friend. Here, Holmes writes of the areas of speech, timing, and stewardship. As our knowledge of one another grows, we have more of an entry point to give timely words of care to those we have committed to friendship together:

“[A]s friendship grows and develops, we must continue to engage in a faithful pursuit of the heart, thus emulating Jesus’ knowledge and pursuit of us. This growing knowledge will help our words become ever more careful, considerate, and effective.” (p. 55)

Counsel in friendship is “inter-personal ministry. It is living out the one-anothers of Scripture together.” (ibid) As seen in Proverbs 27:9, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” This aspect of friendship is sorely lacking among those who call Christ as their Savior and Wonderful Counselor.

Chapter 4 introduces the proper setting for friendship to flourish, which comes down to having the right attitudes and goals in a friendship, and using the blessing of conversation and context to foster these attitudes and serve the goals of ultimately glorifying God through these relationships. Chapter 5 lays bare the threats to friendship, which includes personal sin, an incomplete grasp of the gospel, false expectations and the homophobia boogeyman. Chapter 6 brings the book to a close by focusing on the purpose of friendship, since all that came before can tempt one to give up altogether, seeing the work it would take to establish a biblical friendship. What Holmes makes sure his readers understand is that the effort believers should take in fostering friendship is in the light of God’s grace, not our own perfect performance. There is a unity that must be cultivated, which comes from a genuine endurance through the ups and downs of life as you together show the unity of the body of Christ, and the power of the gospel to a lost and dying world. The book also has an appendix answering some common questions from a practical standpoint.

Reading this book made me reflect much on my own attempts at biblical friendship, and the many failures I have personally experienced in my selfish desire to receive the benefits of friendship without contributing my part in the relationship. Considering the marks of friendship brought a whole new appreciation for the friends I have who are currently intentional in their pursuit of biblical friendship. This may have been my first time being exposed to the wealth of wisdom from Proverbs in what it has to say concerning friendship. A passing reference here, a head nod over there from articles and books that lightly touched on friendship, this book stands head and shoulders above the current literature on the topic.

If you want to evaluate biblically your current friendships, this is definitely the book worth investing your time looking into. I am very thankful to have read this book, and commend it to you. May our friendships all reflect the glory of God and point others to the cross of Christ because, and not in spite of, our friendships.

by Kristen Lim

The season of life encompassing junior high and high school can be a tumultuous time of peer pressure, identity crises, and raging hormones. Youth-age girls have the label of being boy-crazy, but I would venture to say that many post-youth single women are boy-crazy as well. To all these single ladies (young and old) I ask, are you boy-crazy? Here are some questions to help determine the answer to that question: Do you believe you’d finally be completely happy if you had a boyfriend? Do you often pick out your wardrobe with the motivation to catch guys’ eyes? Do you change your plans or schedule just so that you can “coincidentally” cross paths with a guy you like? Are you always trying to analyze the behavior of guys to figure out if he likes you? Then according to Paula Hendricks, the author of Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl, you are boy-crazy and this book is for you.

Hendricks invites readers to take a peek into her past journal entries describing her experiences with guys and witness how God transformed her heart and life over the years to submit to Christ as Lord of her life, especially in the area of romantic relationships. Hendricks helps her fellow sisters in the faith to flee idolizing prospective boyfriends by renewing the mind with Scripture (Rom 12:2) and holding fast to the truth that God’s plan for each of His children is good (Rom 8:28).

So, what’s so wrong about being boy-crazy? It seems that our culture celebrates and encourages girls to gossip about their crushes and do whatever it takes to garner a guy’s attention. As sinners saved by the grace of God, we should not continue to walk in the ways of the world, but rather walk by the Spirit (Gal. 5:16) and search Scripture to gain a better understanding of who God is and what He values in order to better reflect His glory in our lives.

God is intimately involved in the lives of His children and wants us to love Him with our whole heart, soul, and mind (Matt 22:37). The first commandment even asserts that we are not to have any other gods before Him (Deut 5:7). Granted, you may not have a little statue in your home that you bow down to, but is having a relationship an idol in your heart? Hendricks defines an idol as “something that, without it, you think you’ll face a ‘hell’—your own personal version of torment and pain” (Hendricks 19). Consider Christ. “And He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed” (1 Pet 2:24). While we were still dead in our sins and trespasses, Christ died for us. We are saved from the wrath of God through faith in Christ. We have peace with our Creator through faith in Christ. We have eternal life through faith in Christ. This is the glorious gospel that should bring us to our knees and cause us to have the same mindset as Paul: “I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ” (Phil 3:8).

Recognizing the idol of a relationship is a critical first step, but the mere acknowledgement of this doesn’t mean it will go away. If you pray that God would do whatever it takes to be free from an idol, and that He would be first in your heart and life, He will be faithful to answer that prayer, though the task is not easy. Jesus emphasized the serious nature of sin, metaphorically going to the extent of cutting off one’s hand if it causes one to sin. He isn’t promoting self-mutilation, but rather describing the intensity and urgency in removing temptations from your life so that you would sin no more. What might this look like in relationships? Maybe staying away from listening to love songs if that sparks thoughts of discontent in your current love life. Maybe abstaining from stalking a guy’s Facebook page. Maybe not watching romantic movies. Beware of legalism and casting judgment on those that may do these activities. The point is for you to refrain from things that easily tempt you to sin (Hendricks 36).

Girls can fall into the trap of being overly consumed with beauty and outward appearance all for the sake of catching the eyes of guys. Every part of our life should be worship to God, even how we dress and choose to behave. “The way you present yourself can either discredit your God in others’ minds or draw them to Him” (Hendricks 46). This is not to say that girls should just wear potato sacks and be unfashionable, but the principle lies in loving God and people, to look out for others’ best interest and their undistracted worship of God.

We can perpetuate boy-craziness in the thought-life. What do you allow yourself to think about?

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. (Author unknown)

Too many times we allow our thoughts to run rampant without any awareness that it is a breeding ground to make idols if not actively trained to dwell on what is “true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, or praiseworthy” (Phil 4:8). The current culture is a circus of unbiblical worldviews that can poison the mind and heart with lies. It’s important to be a diligent student of God’s word and be grounded on the solid foundation of God’s never-failing promises. Having thoughts saturated in God’s truth will cause you to see life from His eternal perspective and sovereignty, even the parts of life involving love interests. As Augustine defines God’s providence: “everything that happens does so because God wills it to happen, wills it to happen before it happens, wills it to happen in the way it happens” (Hendricks 131).

Ultimately the key to killing the idols of one’s heart is to invest time in relishing God and learning to treasure Him above all else. So at the end of the day, it is not wrong to pray for marriage or other non-sinful desires. Looking at the example of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, He prayed three times to have the cup of imminent death removed from Him, but He always adds, “not as I will, but as you will. Your will be done” (Matt 26:39). There is a balance of expressing desires to God and also surrendering to His good and sovereign plan for our life. “Will you die to your own small (but dear!) dreams in order to allow God to display His awesome power through your life?” (Hendricks 138).

I’ll leave you with the refrain from “Turn Your Eyes upon Jesus”:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace. (Helen H. Lemmel)

May this be the anthem of your hearts, dear sisters in Christ.

by Josh Liu

O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways. (Psalm 139:1-3)

It is an amazing truth that we may be known by God. That is, God is personally active in the life of a person and intimately relates to His elect children. Yet how often is it the case that we forget God. On a scale of 1-10 (1 being nonexistent, 10 being constant), how would you evaluate your consciousness of God throughout your day, from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep? You are never at a moment where you can be truly self-sufficient or independent of God; to seek independence from God is sin. Adam and Eve incurred the curses of God by rejecting dependence on God’s words (Gen. 3:1-19); sinners under the wrath of God, refusing to honor God as God or give thanks to Him, are abandoned to their wickedness and depravity (Rom. 1:18-32). God ought to so saturate your life that to “remove” God from your life would leave nothing behind.

This is the theme of chapter four, “What Is a Family? A Job Description,” in Paul David Tripp’s Age of Opportunity. The present article seeks to summarize this chapter. This book is one resource the youth staff has been reviewing to complement our study on biblical parenting. The youth ministry seeks to partner with parents in the discipleship of their (youth-age) children, which requires understanding what God requires of parents revealed in His Word. In chapter three, Tripp proposed that the family is God’s primary learning community, with parents as the primary educators (Tripp, 41). He goes on in chapter four to describe principles that guide parents in teaching “God’s truth in everyday life” (p. 53). He identifies three foundational themes to every human situation for parents to remember: 1) family is a theological community, 2) family is a sociological community, 3) family is a redemptive community.

Family Is a Theological Community

Tripp posits that “the ultimate fact of family life is the fact that God exists and that we are his creatures” (Tripp, 54). Thus, the parents’ goal is to “root our children’s identity in the existence and glory of God” (Tripp, 54). Life finds true meaning in God.

Why think, work, obey, love, study, discuss, serve, or give? Why? Why? All of life blows into a chaotic mass of meaningless choices unless it is rooted in the one fact that makes every other fact make sense–GOD. (Tripp. 55)

This teaching by parents of a moment-by-moment consciousness of God is founded on Deuteronomy 6:20-25. To do this, parents should remember:

1. That every moment is God’s moment. “There is never a moment where God is absent, or inactive” (Tripp, 56). Teens (or sinners in general) do not naturally live in God’s moment, but rather are wholly self-focused, focused on the horizontal and present.
2. There is always a higher agenda. The greater purpose of every situation of life is God’s purpose, not personal desires or happiness.
3. Their (the teens’) story in God’s story. The Bible has often been mishandled as some sort of glorified encyclopedia with verses organized topically. Scripture is the unified revelation of God’s story in redeeming His people. To teach God’s truth to children “means that every day, in every way possible, to embed the story of your teenager in the larger story of God” (Tripp, 59).
4. To exhort their children to trust and obey God. People tend “to do things that are God’s job and they forget to do the things that he has called them to do” (Tripp, 61).

Family Is a Sociological Community

Family involves relationships, which will provide opportunities for conflict and sin (cf. James 4:1-2). Thus, Tripp writes,

The family will teach and model what it means to love your neighbor as yourself or it will violate that standard at every point and teach a self-centered individualism. Powerful messages about the nature of relationships will be taught in they way Mom and Dad talk to one another, serve one another, make decisions, and deal with their differences. It is impossible for a family to escape teaching and modeling some functional philosophy of relationship for its children. (Tripp, 63)

For example, you have heard of stories of siblings in a heated argument. In the midst of the yelling, the sister picks up a phone call from a friend and her tone and demeanor completely transforms to a sweet gentle voice. “The family is the context where the teenager’s true heart toward relationships is consistently exposed” (Tripp, 65).

Family Is a Redemptive Community

Finally, Tripp describes the family as the context of in-depth, constant modeling of the gospel. “Because of sin, the family is a place of unfulfilled promises, broken dreams, and disappointed expectations” (Tripp, 65). The revealing of sin opens opportunities for revealing the need of Christ. Tripp encourages parents to model the gospel by confessing their own specific sins and failures to their children, and communicating their own need of Christ. Tripp shares a powerful experience with his daughter who, one night, broke down before him, telling him that she

“can’t do it, I can’t do what you are asking me. It’s just impossible…When you tell me to give [my brothers] something of mine, I do, but I hate it and I am mad at you for asking me and mad at them for taking it! I don’t want to share, I hate it! It’s impossible to enjoy!…She began to realize that in her own strength, by the exercise of her own will, she could not obey God. In her room that night, she began to cry out for Christ. (Tripp, 67)

Parents need to remember that empowering work of God in those who put their faith in Him (cf. 2 Cor. 12:9; Phil. 4:13). Tripp also encourages parents to not distance themselves from their children’s sins and failures, but to identify with them (Tripp, 69). He reminds parents that they cannot shelter their children from this fallen world, but to redeem it by bringing in the gospel.

The parent can teach God’s truth everyday, in the mundane moments of life, by remembering that the family is a theological, sociological, and redemptive community. Ultimately to remember God and point their children to God in every moment. The parents’ job is not to raise “successful,” wealthy, well-liked, independent children. Rather, their job is to glorify God by bringing their children up in the instruction of the Lord. These are helpful reminders and principles as Lumos youth ministry seeks to support families through the ministry of prayer and God’s Word.

To encourage you to pursue moment-by-moment God awareness, consider the following reflections:

1. When you worry about food or clothing, remember God’s gracious provisions (cf. Matt. 6:25).
2. When you see a bird, may you be reminded of God’s sovereignty and care for you (cf. Matt. 6:26).
3. When you’re stuck in line or in traffic, or are running late, remember God’s plans (cf. Prov. 16:9; James 4:13-15).
4. When you have to work, remember God’s joy in faithfulness (cf. Matt. 25:21b; Eph. 6:5).
5. When you suffer, remember the privilege of sharing in Christ’s sufferings (cf. Phil. 1:29; 1 Peter 4:13)
6. When you see the stars, remember God’s omnipotence and omniscience over creation (cf. Ps. 147:4).
7. When you experience illness, remember God’s strength and promise of eternal glory (cf. 2 Cor. 12:9; Rev. 21:4).
8. When you handle money or valuables, may you remember the surpassing treasure of Christ who ransomed you with His precious blood (cf. Phil. 3:8; 1 Peter 1:18-19).
9. When you wake up in the morning or age, remember God’s grace of life, mercies, and coming judgment (cf. Lam. 3:22-24; Ecc. 11:9).

The list goes on. May Scripture–God–saturate your every moment.

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

by Josh Liu

Do you have a robust theology of fruits and plants? I am not speaking of literal fruits and plants, or that God created them, or of their design and purpose in a complex cycle of natural life. Rather, are you familiar with Christ’s analogy of fruits and trees to illustrate man’s actions and spiritual condition? The actions, words, thoughts, and motives of a person (the fruit) reveals the spiritual condition of that person’s heart (the tree/root). How does Christ’s teaching, that you will know a false teacher by his fruits (cf. Matt. 7:15-20; 12:33-37; Luke 6:43-45), impact your understanding of man? Of confronting sin? Of your philosophy of ministry?

The Lumos youth staff has been reading through Paul David Tripp’s Age of Opportunity. It has been helpful in considering biblical principles related to parenting, which is significant as Lumos seeks to partner with parents in the discipleship of their children. In chapter three, “What Is A Family? A Definition,” Tripp identifies several ways the Bible describes children (which may be applied to all people): children are covenantal beings, children are social beings, children are interpreters, and children behave out of the heart.

There are few principles concerning biblical anthropology as important as understanding that man acts out of the passions, desires, will, wishes, plans, and thoughts of the heart (cf. Prov. 4:23; Matt. 12:34b). Tripp helpfully reminds us that often times, parents’ goals focus on getting their children to obey or meet their expectations; in other words, behavior control. Since Scripture (and God) is concerned with the heart (cf. Ps. 51:16-17; Jer. 31:33; Ezek. 36:6; Matt. 22:37-40), parenting (and youth ministry) ought to focus on the heart. Speaking of parents, Tripp says, “Our goal is to be used of God to expose and nurture the hearts of our children so that they want to behave in ways that please the Lord” (Tripp, 48).

To slightly modify Christ’s illustration used at the beginning of this article, in the context of shepherding the heart of a youth, the staff seeks to confront actions, words, responses, etc. (the fruit) to examine the motivations, intentions, and desires (the heart). This goes beyond behavior modification. Tripp concludes,

This “sin is bad, don’t do it” brand of parenting forgets that sin is not only a matter of behavior, but a matter of the thoughts and motives of the heart as well. It fails to recognize that if the heart does not change, any behavior changes that take place will be temporary and cosmetic, because they will not be attached to roots in the heart. (Tripp, 50)

In shepherding the heart, the staff seeks to help the youth examine themselves through a biblical lens. We challenge them to realize that particular fruit will accompany a particular tree (cf. Gal. 5:16-26)–one who is genuinely saved will demonstrate a life of repentance; one who is not saved will demonstrate a life of unrepentant sin. We also challenge the youth who profess to know Christ as their Lord and Savior, to continually submit areas of their heart in repentance and to seek God-honoring actions, words, and attitudes.

How do you address the heart when counseling? when evangelizing? when making decisions? when repenting of sin? David Powlison’s “X-ray Questions: Drawing Out the Whys and Wherefores of Human Behavior” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling provides a helpful sampler of heart-probing questions. May your heart be found with Christ at the center (cf. Matt. 6:20-21; Phil. 3:8).

by Josh Liu

Mentioned in an earlier post, the Lumos Youth Ministry staff has been working through Paul David Tripp’s Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. It has been a beneficial resource in helping us examine our goals and philosophy of youth ministry. In Chapter 2, “Whose Idols Are in the Way?,” Tripp begins with the following thought:

If we are ever to be effective for Christ in the lives of our teenagers, it is important to be honest about our own idols–the places where we have tended to exchange worship and service of the Creator for worship and service of created things (Tripp, 29).

Tripp reminds readers that something is always ruling our hearts. While many sincere believers might immediately affirm Christ as Lord over their hearts, their thoughts, desires, actions, words, investments, and priorities often reveal who is truly God in their lives. Parents must be careful in allowing their own expectations of or goals for their children from becoming idols, from blinding themselves to God-given opportunities to point their children to their Creator.

Tripp highlights five common idols that parents might be blinded to:

1. The Idol of Comfort. This is the demand of or feeling entitled to your peace and comfort. The parent expects to come home to quiet, well-behaved children after a long day of work. When this is an entrenched idol of the parent’s heart, Tripp observes that parents will begin to see their children as the enemy and that “they will begin to fight with him rather than for him” (Tripp, 32). Comfort is not in and of itself evil or wrong to be desired, but when it becomes a demand, the sole focus in the home, then it usurps God’s rightful rule over the heart.
2. The Idol of Respect. This heart demands that his child fear him and give him the respect that he thought he deserved (Tripp, 32). This often manifests itself in anger, “attack” responses, criticism, exasperation with the child, and belittlement, with the ultimate goal of perfect obedience to the parent. Again, respect is not bad, but it cannot be produced by the will of the parent. Parents ought to teach and instill respect of parents in their children, yet trust in God to produce such godly responses according to His will.
3. The Idol of Appreciation. Parents certainly work hard. They are their children’s chauffeurs, cooks, laundromats, doctors, banks, cleaners, secretaries, and so on. Parents go to great lengths and sacrifice to care for their children. “Children should appreciate their parents. Yet being appreciated cannot be [their] goal” (Tripp, 33). Many parents reveal by their actions that they expect or demand their children to acknowledge, thank, and appreciate them for everything they do. This idol blinds the parent to his God-ordained role as a parent to shepherd his children unto the Lord.
4. The Idol of Success. This heart views children as the parents’ trophies rather than God’s creatures (Tripp, 35). This idol moves parents to train up their children to bring them glory rather than God. These parents’ sense of identity is so wrapped up in the achievements, obedience, and “success” of their children that they lay aside God’s ultimate authority and sovereignty.
5. The Idol of Control. This heart seeks to control and direct every choice, preference, priority, and outcome of the child. While young children are heavily dependent on their parents, that authority subsides as they grow older. Parents who are unwilling to relinquish control often seek to exercise total sovereignty in the life of their children. Yet only God exercises this kind of control.

I believe Tripp puts it best:

“[Every] parent needs to ask, ‘Why am I doing what I am doing? Who am I serving? What are the things that I have come to expect and demand? Whose desires rule the moments of opportunity with my teenager–God’s or mine?’” (Tripp, 34).

In our goal to partner with parents in the discipleship of their children, the staff needs to biblically examine our own hearts. Whether we grew up going to a youth group or not, we all come with a set of expectations when it comes to youth ministry. There are ministry fads that “guarantee” a vibrant, fruitful youth ministry; there are parents who demand certain results from staffers and youth pastors; there are personal experiences that tempt us to think a certain event or model will produce desired results. Here’s a personal non-exhaustive (and largely incomplete) list of idols of youth ministry that the staff needs prayer over:

1. The Idol of Relevance. Being “hip” (or hipster? Not sure what’s cool now), up-to-date with pop culture, speaking with the same vernacular (e.g. abbreviations that replace sentences and permeate with self-centeredness, like “TFTI”), dressing with the current (youth) fashion, and so on, are often a temptation for youth ministries to compromise the centrality of God’s Word, the holiness of God-exalting worship, the dignity of faithful servants, and the unity of the local church.
2. The Idol of Relationality. What I mean is the idols of staff-youth relationships, attractiveness to outsiders, profuse social events, and story-filled “sermonettes.” These youth ministries do not support parent relationships, spend more time planning than discipling, and produce low-quality sermons. They often vie for a youth’s transparency and vulnerability that at times subverts parents’ influence.
3. The Idol of Serving. Without any intention of referring to any particular work of literature, many youth ministries want their youth to simply get involved and do things at church or in the community for the sake of “just doing it.” Often times, when a youth ministry idolizes service, a youth’s participation is the measurement of their faithfulness, maturity, or even salvation. These youth ministries often have student leaders and volunteers who are not qualified, shown proven character, or even saved.

These are just a few of the idols that beset youth ministry. To be clear, there are many aspects in the above that are not inherently sinful and have redeeming features, but when they become the drive for ministry, when the staff expect or prioritize the above over and against God’s priorities laid out in Scripture, then we err and are not serving in the most God-honoring manner. The staff must continually examine our underlying motives, and actively seek to glorify God by redeeming opportunities to disciple the youth through the faithful exposition of God’s Word. Please pray for us, the youth, the families, and the church that we might seek to live for Christ our King and that we might destroy the idols of our hearts.

My son, if you receive my words
and treasure up my commandments with you…
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God.
For the Lord gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;
(Proverbs 2:1, 5-6)

by Josh Liu

Proverbs and other portions of Scripture are wrought with examples of godly parental instruction to children. Parents, fathers in particular, are seen as significant spiritual influences in the lives of their children (cf. Deuteronomy 6:20; Ephesians 6:4). The youth ministry, then, seeks to support and build up the ministries of the parents. To better equip ourselves in partnering with the parents in the discipleship of their children, the youth staffers are going through Paul David Tripp’s Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens for the 2013-2014 academic year. We hope to better understand Scriptural precepts, principles, and examples of godly parenting in order that we might more faithfully minister to the families in Lumos.

In the opening chapter, Tripp confronts a familiar tension within parents: teenage hormones. He challenges that instead of viewing teens as victims of hormones or that parenting teens is a season of survival, it ought to be considered a golden age of parenting. What he means is that prior to these teen years when the parents’ role was mainly authoritative, now, these are unprecedented opportunities to engage with their children like never before. The seemingly mundane or trivial trials of adolescence are the opportunities for parents to “jump into the battle and move toward [their] teenager. It is a time for engagement, interaction, discussion, and committed relationship. This is not a time to let a teenager hide his doubts, fears, and failures, but a time to pursue, love, encourage, teach, forgive, confess, and accept” (Tripp, p. 23). Children going through adolescence are experiencing many new things and are beginning to process those experiences differently from pre-pubescence. Don’t misunderstand–parents of young children ought to be engaging, instructing, discussing, etc. but many parents of teenagers often fall into authoritarian parenting that exasperates their children, or relinquish their call to disciple their children and become disconnected with their children. Adolescence is a great opportunity not to be missed by parents, or by the church.

Adolescence is also a great opportunity in the progressive sanctification of parents. Tripp makes the insightful observation that these teen years expose the parents’ heart; they reveal the parents’ desires, wishes, fears, and so on. A teenager does not radically change parents in an instant; rather, they often expose what was already in the heart. Tripp notes that our culture tries to avert parents’ responsibility by saying, “we need to come up with positive strategies of survival that preserve the sanity of the parents and the stability of the marriage, and that keep the teenager out of as much self-inflicted danger as possible” (Tripp, p. 18). This sounds great, but it distracts from a core issue: the parents’ hearts. Tripp concludes that “when parents begin to recognize, own, confess, and turn from their own wrong heart attitudes…the result is a marked difference in their relationship to their teen and in the way they view the struggles of the teen years” (p. 18). Adolescence is a great opportunity for parents (and the church) to mature and love Christ more.

In reflecting on all this, I was reminded that adolescence is a great opportunity for the teenagers themselves. Yes, these are formative years that build up to a particular way of life, but more so, these are significant years to shine the light of the gospel to those around them. I often challenge junior high and high school students who profess to know Christ as their Lord and Savior that they have an incredible opportunity to witness to their friends and family now. They get to see their classmates each day, often for a number of years if they continue going to the same school. They get to show their peers how one who loves and submits to Christ lives his life, responds to trials and temptations, invests his time, depends on Scripture, pursues peace and reconciliation, and so on. Adolescence is a great opportunity to evangelize and make disciples of Christ.

The youth staff and I are continually thankful for the privilege of participating in this particular time of the youth’s and parents’ lives. Indeed, this is a great age of opportunity. Please, pray.