by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

“Christians are the most forgiven people in the world. Therefore, we should be the most forgiving people in the world…God has given us an incredibly high standard to live up to when we have the opportunity to forgive someone. Fortunately, he also gives us the grace and the guidance we need to imitate him by forgiving others as he has forgiven us” (p.204-205).

You Cannot Do It Alone

What many of us forget when we come to the point where we should forgive someone is that we have the ability to do that in our strength. We tend to forget the primary emphasis of the Gospel: we cannot do anything good outside of ourselves, and are in need of God to help us when we cannot help ourselves. This will typically show up when we start to rewind and think over the many hurts we’ve experienced, harboring bitterness in our hearts for what so-and-so did to us. Yet drawing on God’s grace regularly will give us the grace we need to extend that kind of grace out to those who hurt us by forgiving them.

Neither a Feeling, nor Forgetting, nor Excusing

Forgiveness is not a feeling in any way, but a decision or act of the will we make, recognizing our dependence on God for grace, that it may lead to an attack on our thoughts that want to dwell on the hurt we experienced. It also is not forgetting, a passive act, but an active one made by a conscious decision and a purposeful course of action. Lastly, forgiving is not excusing, since it implies that someone did a wrong act.

Forgiveness is a Decision

When you ignore or are ignorant of true forgiveness, you show it in your great memory in remembering the many wrongs that have been done to you from someone, always ready to give a defense, not of the hope you possess within you, but of yourself and your “justified” unforgiving heart. The word “forgive” means to release or let go or to give favor to another person with no strings attached. This is something we do not and cannot deserve.

…forgiveness can be a costly activity. When someone sins, they create a debt, and someone must pay it. Most of this debt is owed to God. In his great mercy, he sent his Son to pay that debt on the cross for all who would trust in him (Isa. 53:4-6l 1 Peter 2:24-25; Col. 1:19-20). (p.207)

Now, when someone wrongs you, there is a debt owed to you, which you can either take payments on or make payments yourself. Making payments would be the preferred way, meaning you remove the penalty the other deserves to pay. This may come quickly, or it may take a period of time. This is when we would do well to remember the amazing grace God offers to us when He forgives us our sin. Isaiah 59:2 speaks of where we were: “But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.” Not only does God forgive us of our sins, He actively chooses not to remember them anymore: “If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared” (Psalm 130:3-4). We must go and do likewise to others: “We must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us” (p.209). Forgiveness can be described in making four promises:

1. I will not dwell on this incident.
2. I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about this incident.
4. I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

The sad reality is that many have never experienced this type of forgiveness, and it is our duty to model Christlike forgiveness so that the other person may see the reality of God’s forgiveness that is offered to all who will come and believe.

When Should You Forgive?

Repentance should come before forgiveness. At times, there may be minor offenses that can be overlooked without seeking repentance. Yet when it is too serious to overlook, we are to (1) have an attitude of forgiveness, and (2) grant forgiveness. The first condition speaks more of having a readiness in your heart to live as if you have truly forgiven them, by not dwelling on the hurt you experienced. The second condition speaks on the repentance of the one who offended you, drawing in the last three promises mentioned previously. Christ maintained the first condition in praying on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Once men and women have repented, full forgiveness was given and men are now reconciled to God. God is our God, and He is also our model to follow.

Can You Ever Mention the Sin Again?

“When someone has confessed a wrong and you have forgiven him, you should not bring it up again unless there is a very compelling reason to do so. Otherwise, you will rob people of hope that they can change or that you will ever give them another chance” (p.212).

What about the Consequences?

As God has shown over and over with the people of Israel, “forgiveness does not automatically release a wrongdoer from all the consequences of sin” (look at Numbers 14:20-23; Deuteronomy 32:48-52; 2 Sam. 12:11-14; 13:1-39; 16:21-22; 19:1-4). It could be that you would be the one to take down any walls that would come between you and the one who wronged you. There may also be times where you can forgive someone but cannot afford to take the consequence of the wrong that was committed, such as a loss of money. This could be a broad description of one who is habitual in their unrepentant life, who would need to be confronted with their continual sin-pattern. Once someone expresses repentance, you are to forgive sincerely and have the penalty of personal separation removed. This is the outgrowth of God’s forgiveness. It must be ours as well.

Overcoming Unforgiveness

God has given His Word, His Holy Spirit, and finally, His people in giving counsel and encouragement. Here are some steps to overcome forgiveness:

1. Confirm Repentance
2. Renounce Sinful Attitudes and Expectations
3. Assess Your Contributions to the Problem
4. Recognize That God Is Working for Good
5. Remember God’s Forgiveness
6. Draw on God’s Strength

Reconciliation and the Replacement Principle

Your relationship with the person you originally were in conflict in must be reconciled, and that your relationship would be as good, if not better, than what it used to be. To reconcile means to offer a chance for a repentant person to get your trust back, which you should not demand, especially when they have expressed their repentance. You must show your promises are not empty when they have demonstrated a repentant faith. This is shown in three ways:

1. In Thought (replace negative thoughts of the other with positive thoughts)
2. In Word
3. In Deed

All this comes from God’s hand, and credit is given to those who only experience and express true repentance. God is behind this, and He will see to it that His people are not afraid of living out their lives as peaceful ambassadors in a fallen world. Hopefully, a commitment to the local church and the leaders of that church would be a primary emphasis for all of us to heed.

by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Editor’s Note: You can listen to the class and download the handout.

But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that “every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” (Matthew 18:16)

Matthew 18:15-20 has been the framework by which Christians have sought to maintain peace within their churches, looking to Christ’s perfect teaching as the guide for resolving everyday conflict. Let’s get into how this process is laid out, step-by-step.

The Matthew 18 Process

“A general principle taught in Matthew 18 is that we should try to keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible” (p.186). What Ken Sande is apt to point out just a few sentences later, “This is one of the great blessings of belonging to the church: Whenever you cannot handle a problem or conflict on your own, you can turn to the body of Christ for guidance and assistance.” This process Jesus commands us to follow if we are in conflict with another cannot be fulfilled without the local church being involved. Yet another reason vigilante Christians are a misnomer.

Step 1: Overlook Minor Offenses

Remember that conflicts are opportunities to glorify God, and not burdens. Sometimes it is not worth going through and overlooking small issues if it is not detrimental to them or other people in the church. We also need to remember that our rights are not inherent, and cannot claim them in times of conflict. We must be ready to give them up for the sake of love for the one who initially hurts us and also for those in our churches as well.

Step 2: Talk in Private

If you sin against another, it is your responsibility as a Christian to go to the other and ask for forgiveness. If they commit sin against you that cannot be overlooked, it also is your responsibility to deal with the issue and get to the point of true reconciliation. If it’s a material issue that cannot be overlooked as well, it would be good to negotiate and come to agree on a solution together. You are almost always biased in favor of yourself in conflicts of material issues, so it would be wise to seek godly advisors to help you see your faults and respond in a fair and biblical manner with the other. If this cannot be done, we move to step 4.

Step 3: Take One or Two Others Along

To bring an outsider/reconciler into your conflict requires discretion on both sides. This person must be a man/woman who is a spiritually mature adult who can help you both come to a deeper clarity for both sides and lead to a peaceful resolve, which is what Paul instructs in Galatians 6:1 (Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted). The best mediator would be one who knows both of you, as they will seek to be faithful to God and caring for both parties. If the other person is not so sure an outsider is necessary, it would be good to appeal to them based on what Matthew 18 as well as 1 Corinthians 6 teaches, and also bring out practical benefits to doing so (would not cost money, save time, and not be made public).

Another way an outsider can be involved is by your being active in bringing him/her in, even if the other does not agree to it at first. This may push the other person to want to deal with the conflict more than before. If they still persist, involving an outsider that person respects may be key, and you can go to them and let them know what the issue is in a general sense, not getting too specific until you and the person in conflict can meet together with them.

What do reconcilers do?

A reconciler’s “primary role is to help you and your opponent make the decisions needed for peace” (p.191). They can also offer counsel in how to handle the problem at hand (Matthew 18:17; 1 Corinthians 6:1-8), calling for repentance on either or both sides if any ungodly attitudes are expressed. They could also be given permission by both sides to render a course of action to take that must be followed if a decision cannot be made. They can be the ones who can let the leaders of your church(es) know how the issue came to a standstill and go from there.

What if my opponent is not a Christian?

If this is the case, agreeing on an outside reconciler ahead of time would be best, so that a resolution can take place, and a solution can still be made, provided the other person is not against that and is willing to hear out what the third party has to say.

Step 4: Tell It to the Church (Church Accountability)

When all is rejected and the other person is still not wanting to come to peace on this issue, only then should the leaders of your church(es) be made aware of the situation and help is desired from them. The church has the authority of Christ behind them (Matthew 18:18-20) in dealing with sin, which will be binding on their member who is in conflict (or if both are members of the same church). Disobedience is not allowed, unless what they instruct is clearly in violation of Scripture (Matthew 23:1-3; Acts 4:18-20; 5:27-32). At this point, if one or the other or both parties are not willing to resolve this issue, those who know them are obligated to bring up this issue with them lovingly but firmly, calling them to repentance and reminding them of the danger of coming to God’s house while in conflict, leading to an absence of worship towards God and true fellowship with one another.

Step 5: Treat Him as a Nonbeliever

If all this takes place and the other person is not willing still to reconcile, the church has divine authority by Christ: “treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). It becomes a functional position for the church to take: “If a person behaves like a nonbeliever would—by disregarding the authority of Scripture and of Christ’s church—he should be treated as if he were a nonbeliever” (p.193). Treating them in this way (not by belittling them but by calling them to true faith and repentance in Christ by way of the Gospel) is biblical and effective in drawing them back in to the fellowship that this person once tasted. By not neglecting to focus on this issue with them, you show your hate and lack of care for them, superficially talking about random subjects when a grave issue is a potential for causing division in the church. We speak to them about their need for Christ so that they can realize their sin and come to Christ to deliver them from their stubborn unwillingness to reconcile. It also promotes holiness in the church, and a line that will not be blurred in who a true believer is and who is not, biblically speaking.

Is It Time to Go to Court?

Sometimes even if an issue is unresolved, dropping the matter and give up your justified claims (1 Corinthians 6:7-8). One final choice would be to go to court, after all other options have been exhaustively sought.

The World Needs Reconcilers!

Reconcilers are needed in this world to give a small glimpse of the greatest act of reconciliation known to mankind: the reconciliation of God and man found in Jesus Christ, the God-man who bore the sins of many on Himself to be the way back to God (John 14:6; 1 Timothy 2:5; 1 Peter 2:24, 3:18). When Christians are found living out the Christian life, and seek peace among the brethren, when we have already been given lasting peace by God Himself, it draws people to look in and be amazed at the wonder and the power of the Gospel. This is still an evangelizing opportunity for us to minister on a continual basis, leading others to praise our Father in heaven who made this available for His children.

Developing a Culture of Peace in Your Church

This is shown in the church when it has the following characteristics: vision, training, assistance, perseverance, accountability, restoration, stability, and witness. Pray that LBC will be an embodiment of these characteristics now, and that we would continually be seen as a church that practices what it preaches, for the sake of God’s glory.