by Elder Johnny Kim

With summer coming to a close, the new school year is now underway and the various affinity group ministries in the church are starting back up. For myself, the start of this particular school year has me feeling a bit like I am a new kid at a new school. Starting this year, I have the privilege of leading the Lumos Youth Ministry and it’s definitely a big change from leading the Single Life Ministry. Yet for all the changes that might make me anxious, I can’t help but to be excited for the year ahead and for all that God has in store for Lumos! Some of the excitement also happens to stem from my own personal experiences of when I was in youth group myself. Preparing my heart for leading Lumos this year has definitely brought about refreshing reminders of the joys that I experienced during that particular stage of my life. After all, it was during that time that I grew exponentially in my knowledge of God’s Word, became saved in Christ, and deepened in my desire to submit to His lordship.

It’s in between the time I’ve spent planning for Lumos and taking trips down my own memory lane that I’ve come to realize how I’ve gained additional perspectives toward youth group and youth ministry; perspectives that certainly weren’t on my radar back when I was in youth (when I was skinny and awkward, but only one of those descriptions “fits” me now). Perhaps through a combination of years later becoming a father, being a more spiritually mature believer (than when I was in youth group), and serving the church as an elder, some of these perspectives now can’t help but shape my heart and desires for youth ministry.

As a father, I’ve gained perspective and have come to realize more and more the importance of the duty and calling of Christian parents. And particularly as a father, passages in Psalm 78, Proverbs 4, and Ephesians 6 remind me that I am the one who is primarily responsible and accountable for the spiritual instruction of my children. But as incomplete of a representation of Christ-likeness and Christ-like living that I am even at my least sinful, I’m definitely thankful for God’s grace in providing a church with her ministries and her older men and women who can train, equip, help, and support me to fulfill my responsibility. Likewise, my desire then is that Lumos would fulfill its role in serving as a sort of “para-ministry ministry”; to come alongside parents and to help and support them in the main ministry that is them teaching and raising up their children in the Lord. Lumos will never aim to be a perfect substitute for or better option in lieu of parents faithfully heeding God’s call to be the primary disciplers of their children. Rather, my desire is that Lumos will seek to partner with parents in order that together, we might care for and love their children, pray for their souls, and teach and preach to them God’s truth and in doing so, reinforce what’s already been taught them in the home.

Secondly, as I’ve become more spiritually mature as compared to the days of my youth, I’ve come to understand the importance of holiness and living in light of the Gospel that not only saves, but sanctifies. It’s not enough just to know biblical principles. It’s not enough to simply know and understand sound theology and doctrine. In Ephesians 4:1, the Apostle Paul urges believers to live in a manner consistent with their calling in Christ; a common urging he implores in many of his other epistles. Christians ought to live consistently with what the Bible teaches, including the youngest of believers. Sound doctrine and theology is important and certainly serves to lay a solid foundation. But as in Matthew 7:24-27, the “house” is only complete and able to withstand God’s righteous judgment when one acts on the words of the Lord. Accordingly, this perspective gives way to my hope that Lumos wouldn’t merely aim to have youth who simply know biblical truths and principles, but would rather make the ultimate aim having a ministry full of fruit-bearing youth who by their obedient lives prove the genuineness of their faith. A faith that would never falter or prove false years and decades after their youth years.

Finally, being an elder in the church has given me the perspective to desire that Lumos would be a youth ministry that would take part in the greater work of the church in making disciples of Christ. My desire for us staff is that as we serve in Lumos, we might get to experience the privilege and blessing of being able to witness youth being saved and submitting their lives completely to Christ. I hope that God would use Lumos as His instrument to play even the smallest part in saving youth at an early age; not only to secure their eternal life, but to save them from sinning more and sparing them from the consequences of the sins that ensnare the youth and collegians of this world. I hope that the urgency of the Convalescent Home Ministry would always be the urgency of the Lumos Youth Ministry considering James 4:14 and the fact that even for youth seemingly with their whole lives ahead of them, tomorrow is never a guarantee.

Please pray for the Lumos Youth Ministry as we start our year! Please especially pray for me, that in light of these perspectives and desires for Lumos, I would be able to lead the ministry so that in all that we do, God would be glorified and Christ magnified through the lives of our youth!

by Josh Liu

There are some major changes taking place at Lighthouse. We hope that these prospective transitions will further improve our effectiveness and faithfulness in ministry. One such transition is that Johnny Kim will become the Lumos youth ministry coordinator. I am personally excited for Johnny to lead Lumos. I have asked him to answer a few questions so that you can get a head start on getting to know him!

Describe yourself and your family (e.g. occupation, ministry, etc.).

I was born and raised in San Diego by Christian parents and attended church my entire life. I went to college in Arizona where I graduated with an aerospace engineering degree, then came back to San Diego where I have been ever since. I am married to my lovely wife Mimi and together we have two boys, Matthew and Philip. By day, I work as an aerospace engineer, but in the evenings and on the weekends, I spend my time ministering to my family and to the church. I currently serve as an elder in the church and most recently had the privilege of leading the Single Life Ministry. I became a member at Lighthouse in 2007 and ever since then, I have been continually blessed to be part of a God-fearing, Bible-believing church family.

How did God save you?

God saved me through a gradual process by which He revealed to me the truth of the Gospel through faithful Christian parents and through the church. While growing up, I had plenty of opportunities to witness my parents demonstrate what it meant to live a Christian life by the way they sacrificed for one another, our family, and by the way they served the church. In church, I had the opportunity to learn more about God and His Word through Sunday School and later on in youth group. After several youth group messages, bible studies, and retreats, it was sometime in early high school that I realized that the Holy Spirit was gradually changing my heart to desire to live for Christ. One day I just realized that I had an overwhelming desire to submit my entire life to Him. While I can’t pinpoint an exact time or moment for my conversion, it was during my time in youth group that I remember being able to feel and know the assurance and certainty of my salvation.

How did you meet Mimi?

Mimi attended the same church that I attended prior to coming to Lighthouse. Long story short, we started dating when she started college in 2005. Four years later, she received a diploma from her school and an engagement ring from me and we were married in the Fall. Today, I am constantly reminded of God’s grace through a forgiving, understanding, and sacrificial wife in Mimi. I am extremely grateful and blessed to have found a partner and best friend in her for life and for ministry.

What are your favorite hobbies?

My favorite hobbies include spending time with people, pretending to like playing sports, and eating the cheapest and most filling food I can get my hands on.

If you could have any super power, what would it be and why?

Initially, I am tempted to say that I would want the power to fly. But upon further consideration, I realize that would probably be a waste. In 20 years or so, flying cars could very well become mainstream and then I would look like a fool, flying around with my super power while everyone else around me is flying around in the comfort of their flying cars. Kind of like if you saw someone today running down the middle of the freeway in the midst of speeding cars. Anyway, I would probably just give up flying and just give in and eventually buy myself a flying car so I could finally fly around with air conditioning, heating, and cupholders. And whenever I get stuck in sky traffic, I’m sure I’ll be daydreaming and wishing I had the super power of teleportation. So yeah, never mind about flying. I would want to have the super power of teleportation.

Describe your youth ministry serving experience.

After I graduated high school and left for college, I had the opportunity during summer breaks to come back and help serve on staff for the youth ministry at my previous church. Even though it was just for the summer, I enjoyed spending the short time investing in youth and being a source of encouragement and guidance for them. After I graduated college, I was finally able to join the youth staff year round. As a single working adult with time and now money, serving in the youth ministry seemed to be a perfect fit. I enjoyed simply spending time with youth, treating them to meals, and listening to the things going on in their life. It was rewarding being able to witness youth turning their lives over to Christ and also humbling to be used by God to help them understand what it meant to submit to Christ’s lordship. In the end, it was a joy to be able to serve the same youth ministry that had been such an important instrument that God used for my own life.

What was your favorite memory/experience from your own youth group?

My favorite memory/experience from when I was in youth group were the times when I would spend all day at church together with my youth group friends. There were many Saturdays and Sundays, and even some weekdays during the summer, when we would just hang out at church from morning until evening. It seemed at the time that it really didn’t matter for us what there was to do or what event was going on at church so long as we were together. The close relationships that we shared made for much more meaningful experiences when we would hear the Gospel together, learn the Bible together, and serve on missions together.

What are you most excited for in serving in Lumos?

I am most excited to be able to come alongside parents to help shepherd and disciple their youth age children. I am excited at the prospect that I might have the chance to see up close their hearts turning away from the world and toward Christ. I am also excited to be playing even the smallest role in helping to establish and strengthen a youth ministry that God-willing my own children will be a part of someday!

by Andrea Vigil-Ruiz, Kristen Lim, and Jenna Kim

Introduction

• What does friendship look like between girls?
• What does it look like between boys and girls?
• How do you handle jealousy or the tendency to compare yourself to others?
• How do you know if you are judging another person, even though you may look like you aren’t on the outside?
• Do you have to talk to someone who is on the quieter side or is “socially awkward”?

These were just some of the questions that the Lumos female staff discussed with the Lumos girls. During the Lumos winter retreat, the female staff was given the opportunity to use a biblical perspective to have a more in-depth conversation with the youth girls about these various issues, along with issues that we, as female staff, thought were most pertinent to the youth girls’ current stage of life.

Four Issues Girls Must Face

Issue #1: Friendship with Guys

What does true biblical friendship look like with male Christians? 1 Timothy 5:1 is helpful in explaining how we, as ladies, are supposed to view the opposite gender. Taking a look at various verses in Proverbs 5 and 7, we get a picture of how a godly girl DOES NOT act with boys. Romans 14:13-23 is a helpful passage that reminds us that we ought to seek to build up and edify one another. If we call ourselves Christians, boys are just as much our brothers, as other girls are our sisters. It is important to remember our status in relation to who God is: that we are all redeemed sinners, regardless of whether we are male or female. As a result of that common ground and the common goal of living our lives to bring glory to God, we should be looking out for one another’s spiritual wellness and make sure that we are an encouragement to others rather than being stumbling blocks. Hebrews 10:24 explains that believers are called to stir one another up toward love and good words, without respect to genders (like most of the “one another” commands of Scripture).

Issue #2: Partiality

Another common issue is how to be a friend (or even friendly) to those who may be difficult to love because of various reasons (i.e. not talkative, “socially awkward,” inconvenient, unkind, etc.). We must use a biblical standard when it comes to loving others, rather than our own standard since that can stem from sinful sources within our hearts. First, look at Proverbs 17:17 and then at Matthew 26:47-50. Using Christ as our example of loving those who may be difficult to love, namely Judas Iscariot, we see how if Christ was able to love the person who He knew would betray Him, then how much more should we be able to love those who we think are difficult or hard to love.

Also, what standards do we use when we label people as difficult or hard to love? Truthfully, we use our own criteria to label others. But, if we call ourselves believers, we should not be using our own standards to measure others, especially since we have the Word of God as the final and ultimate authority. With these thoughts in mind, we can determine whether our friendships have been mirroring God’s commandment to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40).

Issue #3: Judging

One of the biggest enemies of healthy friendships is having a heart characterized by judgment. For the purposes of this article, let’s define judgment as not only forming negative conclusions about another person, but as looking down on them because of it.

This attitude can be traced back to two facets of our sinfulness: pride and selfishness. Pride craves the feeling of superiority found in maximizing others’ faults and minimizing one’s own; selfishness prioritizes one’s own ego above others’ spiritual states.

However, as followers of Christ, we are called to emulate His example by putting off pride and selfishness and putting on humility. This does not mean acting like everything anyone does is fine, but remembering that everyone’s sin and weaknesses are different, and that we are in the same boat of desperately needing God’s grace. This is expressed through love. Instead of disgust, there is an overriding desire to see someone right with God. Ultimately, everyone is either a believer struggling in the fight against sin and to live for God’s glory, or an unbeliever with no eternal hope or purpose and is on his way to Hell and in need of the gospel. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle of some sort, so be kind. Jesus came to save sinners all across the spectrum. Am I above God in being worthy of withholding compassion where He did not? Like the parable’s forgiven servant, I have been undeservedly forgiven much (cf. Matt. 18:21-35; Luke 7:36-50). It only makes sense to follow suit.

So, take a step back and see where you might be tempted to be judgmental. Remember the gospel and instead approach friends with gentle honesty instead of harsh criticism. Refuse to perpetuate gossip in situations in which you are not a part of the problem’s solution, and to deal with authority figures with teachability and winsome suggestions instead of whiny attitudes. In the end, situations like these are opportunities to remember and honor God’s hand at work in your own life and the lives of those around you.

Issue #4: Envy

Another looming poison of a thriving friendship is envy, defined as the resentful awareness of advantage enjoyed by another person, often leading to coveting. Envy is a sin that must be taken seriously since it can lead to conflict (James 4:1-2).

Envy finds its source in pride and discontentment in God’s gracious providence in your life. This characteristic reveals a lack of trust in God’s goodness and questions His perfect will. Psalm 73 explores this tension of comparing one’s life with others’ and the transformation that occurs when abiding in God. The psalmist initially complains that the wicked and arrogant seem to prosper and enjoy many blessings, and he pities himself for his lowly lot in life. But then he discerned that those thoughts were foolish and ignorant to the reality of the great honor and hope that he has in being God’s child; the proper response to tasting God’s mercy and grace is worshipful submission and joy.

“Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever…But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works.” (Psalm 73:25-26,28)

We can learn from the psalmist of Psalm 73 and turn our eyes to the truth of who God is by marinating our hearts in God’s promises found in Scripture. When you have set your mind on the wonderful, undeserved love of God, you will brim with thankfulness, leaving no room for envy to dwell.

Have you considered that God placed this really talented and gifted friend in your life for a reason? There is no mistake about it. God is using that person as an instrument to slay down your pride and reveal the sin of envy residing in your heart. As you realize how far you fall short in measuring up to this person’s resume, take it as a reminder that you cannot place your identity or worth in abilities, talents, goodness, or works. It is only by God’s grace that you are saved from His wrath and given eternal life.

It is also important to remember that God is the giver of all good things, and so He deserves the glory and praise for the blessings that people enjoy. He sovereignly ordained your friend to have a knack for cooking delicious meals, or for your neighbor to possess many things, or allowing the person sitting next to you to have a funny personality. These people are merely stewards, called to be of service to others and be generous with what God has gifted them with. Rather than being envious, you can be thankful that God has given people opportunities to utilize their gifts and talents for the purpose of showing His love to the world.

Conclusion

The breakout session for the girls during retreat was an enriching time of digging through God’s word, challenging us to think biblically in forming convictions and persevere in fighting sins that impede God’s will for our relation to people. An increasing fear and love for God, and understanding the depths of the gospel transform everything about a person and aligns friendships to be joy-filled and God-glorifying, just the way God intended. We hope that your appetites were piqued to be grounded in God’s truth, to think through these issues (and future inquiries) biblically, and pray to God for wisdom and strength to live accordingly.

by Josh Liu

Introduction

What if you saw a guy and a gal talking in the hallway at church? Would your initial thought be that someone must be romantically interested in the other or considering pursuing the other, otherwise they would not be interacting at all? Friendship (or lack thereof) between men and women has been a popular topic of discussion, with a range of opinions. Can men and women be friends? Would it be bad, inappropriate, or unbiblical for men and women to talk (even deeply or vulnerably) to one another? Spend time together? Serve together or serve each other? Share with each other? Give each other gifts?

Preferences and opinions range far and wide concerning this topic. This has been an area of great confusion for many believers. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be adequate biblical resources addressing the topic. This article serves as a primer for a study in biblical friendship. I will be addressing Christian friendship between men and women. If you do not have a relationship with God through submission to and faith in Christ as Lord and Savior, then that is the first relationship you must make right. Now, what does Scripture have to say concerning friendships between men and women?

Let us remember the tentative definition I am using while addressing friendship: A biblical friendship is a relationship that gives opportunity to live as a witness of and for God’s glory. (Please read the previous article–“Radical Friendship”–in this series before reading this article.)

Now, let us examine the heart to address these situations and actions, for God is concerned with the heart (cf. Jer. 17:10; Matt. 5:28).

Inappropriate Friending

Friendship between men and women has been a topic of controversy for various reasons. One major source for contention is that sin has ultimately corrupted relationships. It has corrupted a right relationship with God, and a right relationship with one another. Yet as God reconciles the relationship between Him and His redeemed, He also restores and renews relationships among His children.

While there is true restoration of relationship between His elect, sin still affects it. Remember James 4:1 – “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” Relationships have been distorted to serve the sinful flesh (e.g. defrauding one another, opposing one another). These sins, left unrepented of, develop inappropriate friending. For example, a guy harboring sins of sensuality may desire to develop friendship with ladies to feed that lust. Or, a gal may develop a friendship with a guy to gain attention and feel loved or attractive. One reaction to these sins, as well as natural differences between men and women, has been to completely exclude the other gender. Is that the appropriate or biblical response?

First, I will argue that Scripture supposes and illustrates real, genuine friendships between men and women. Second, I will provide practices as to how to develop Christ-honoring relationships with the opposite gender.

Five Reasons Why Men and Women Need to Be Friends

1. God Created Men and Women in His Image (cf. Gen. 1:26-27; 2:7)

Being made in the image of God, mankind was created as relational beings. There are many views concerning the image of God. Still, there are some common foundations of the nature of the image of God in man from which implications on friendships can be drawn. (My purpose is not to comprehensively describe or expound on bearing the image of God.)

So, how does man being made in God’s image relate?

• First, this does not mean that God is male and female; nor does it mean that man is God. God is God and wholly transcendent, unlike created man; He is Creator, and everything else is creation. To ascribe the genders to Him would be to unbiblically describe and compartmentalize God’s being. Conversely, to disregard or neglect one gender would be to distort who God is. As such, men and women equally bear the image of God.
• Second, to be made in the image of God means that man reflects the likeness of God in any way God has determined, as revealed in Scripture. For example, God is Spirit and man is flesh and spirit (cf. Gen. 6:3; 1 Cor. 15:44-46; Matt. 10:28); God is sovereign, man exercises rule (cf. 1 Chron. 29:11-12; Ps. 2:1ff; Gen. 1:28); God is omniscient, man exercises knowledge (cf. Ps. 139:1-4; Gen. 3:22; Rom. 1:19); God is eternal, man now exists for the rest of time (cf. Ps. 90:2; Rev. 20:10; 22:5); God accomplishes His will and purpose, man carries out personal will (cf. Is. 46:10; 55:11; Eph. 1:4; Prov. 16:9; James 1:14; 4:1; Heb. 4:12b).

As it relates to relationships, God eternally exists in perfect relationship with Himself (cf. John 17:5); God declared to make man in Their own image, and He made them male and female (Gen. 1:26-27). Thus, man exists to be in relationship–with God and with creation.

• First, man as God’s image bearers was created to be in relationship with Him. He was created to commune with God (cf. Gen. 4:26b; Ps. 15:1); he was created to obey and honor God (cf. Rom. 1:18ff); he was created to worship God (cf. John 4:23); and he was created to glorify God (cf. Is. 43:7; Matt. 5:16). Tragically, sin has destroyed this relationship (cf. Gen. 3:24; Rom. 5:12). Man became an enemy of God, opposed by God, and condemned to be rejected by God (cf. Matt. 7:21-23; 10:32-33; James 4:4, 6; Eph. 2:1-3). To reiterate previous posts in this series, if your relationship with God is not set right, then nothing else matters. Stop reading now; go to God in prayer asking for forgiveness of your sins, for a transformed heart that submits to and depends on Christ’s life, death, and resurrection, and for grace to be in right relationship with Him! To not live in a right relationship with God is to reject His design and purpose for your being; it is to reject bearing the image of God.
• Second, man as God’s image bearers was created to be in relationship with creation. He was created to have dominion over all the earth and its creatures, to subdue it, and to multiply and fill it (cf. Gen. 1:28). He was also created to be in relationship with others. At the beginning of creation, man did not have a suitable helper among the animals; so, God made Adam a suitable helper, Eve (Gen. 2:18, 20-24). The understanding is that Adam did not have a compatible complement (in essence since no other creature was made in the image of God; in conscience, in communication, in procreation, in intimacy, in purpose, etc.). While marriage between man and woman is not the only social interaction between the genders, it is a significant aspect (cf. 1 Cor. 11:7-12). An example that goes beyond the marital relationship is the general effect of love for one another in displaying God’s glory (cf. John 13:35; Rom. 16:1).

This connection between bearing the image of God and relationships between persons (which excludes the possibility of complete gender segregation) can be observed throughout Scripture. The following arguments expand upon the foundation of the essence of man as a relational being.

2. Relationships Between Men and Women Are Included in the Body of Christ (cf. Rom. 12:4-5; 1 Cor. 12:12ff; Eph. 4:4ff)

Men and women need to be friends because every redeemed person, male or female, who belong to the body of Christ is being renewed to the likeness of Christ (cf. Rom. 8:29; 1 Cor. 15:49; 2 Cor. 3:18; Col. 3:10; 1 John 3:2). Scripture describes the body of Christ as a unified whole with diverse parts (functions), all ultimately converging toward the same end: Christ-likeness. To intentionally only love, forgive, serve, rejoice with, edify, pray for, encourage, submit to, admonish, rebuke, or associate with a specific gender (which is a misapplication of Scripture) would be to tear down the unity of the body of Christ. The body of Christ ultimately knows no divisions (cf. Gal. 3:28). To erect division in the body of Christ (e.g. gender exclusion) would be to declare a divided God (cf. Rom. 12:3ff; 1 Cor. 1:10-13; 12:12-27; Eph. 4:1-6). No one person has every gift or talent; God has uniquely gifted every individual and has ordained the importance of his or her function in the body of Christ. Ladies cannot assume only men will do all the serving, teaching, and discipling. Similarly, men cannot expect only women to be hospitable and care for children. Each person is called to be faithful to what God has provided, which includes the relationships He has placed in one’s life (cf. Matt. 24:45-51; 25:15ff). To exclude a gender is to show favoritism or partiality (cf. James 2:1). For example, one cannot presume that his or her own gender will provide the whole image of the body of Christ. Perhaps ask yourself, “How might brothers and sisters appropriately worship Christ together now as they will in heaven (cf. Matt. 22:30)?”

3. Men and Women are Given the Same Commands

Often, the relational commands of Scripture (e.g. you shall not murder; you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor; the “one another” commands) are given to men and women. Thus, a person cannot completely obey a command of Scripture by only carrying it out with certain individuals (i.e. praying with only one gender). Scripture’s command to love your neighbor or enemy is not gender specific (cf. Matt. 5:44; 22:39; Luke 10:29-37).

Also, inherent in God’s commands is the equality of men and women. The murder of any person is an abomination, for it is an offense to God’s image in man (cf. Gen. 9:6; James 3:9). Males are not elevated above females; a male life is not inherently more valuable than a female life. God has created them equally in His image with differing functions and roles.

4. Men and Women Experience Similar Trials and Temptations

Men and women need to be friends because of trials. Every person, male and female, experiences temptations, suffering, and trials due to the depravity of man, cursed creation, and God’s sovereignty. While everyone may experience trials and suffering to differing degrees and essence, the response is the same. While there are natural and significant differences between men and women, they share common experiences and are guided to the same responses. Also, men and women need to shoulder each other’s burdens (cf. Gal. 6:1-10). Believers have God’s Word to open all understanding on man, as well as Christ who perfectly sympathizes (cf. Heb. 4:12, 15). As a result, every person can be used as God’s instrument for comfort, healing, and encouragement for anyone (cf. Rom. 15:14; 2 Cor. 1:3-7).

5. Men and Women Have the Same Need – Christ and God’s Word

Men and women need to be friends because of the common need met in Christ and His Word. All (here emphasizing both men and women) have sinned (Rom. 3:23); all can believe and be saved (John 3:16-21); all are sanctified by God’s truth, His Word (John 17:17); and all require God’s Word to be complete and equipped (2 Tim. 3:16-17). As a result, witnessing, discipling, and counseling between the genders are ultimately the same: the goal of turning to Christ and loving Him above all else. For example, it would be inappropriate to presume that men exclusively need male involvement to grow in godliness.

Men and women need to live as witnesses of and for God’s glory with each other. Now we will briefly examine Scripture for how to have wise, appropriate, and God-honoring friendships with the opposite gender.

Six Practices Believers Need to Develop God-honoring Relationships with the Opposite Gender

1. View Each Other as Precious Siblings (cf. 1 Tim. 5:1-2)

Generally, I have observed three gender specific relationships in Scripture: (1) parent-child, (2) husband-wife, and (3) brother-sister. Men are called to encourage all sisters in complete purity (I believe the same can be argued for women to brothers). Ultimately, before a person becomes a spouse, he or she is a sibling only–view him or her as such. This does not mean treat the other person as you would your own blood sibling, since some are unkind and contemptuous toward their siblings (which require repentance). Rather, you treat them with respect, dignity, care, compassion, and humility. Unfortunately in today’s western culture, this idea of a precious family member is lost, and better observed with a person welcoming or being hospitable toward a guest or new comer. When you view the other person as a precious brother or sister in Christ, the goal of the friendship is clear–build him or her up toward Christ. It will dispel the confusion of selfish intentions. In other words, instead of constantly thinking about getting to know the opposite gender for the potential of a dating relationship, focus on getting to know the other person for the purpose of glorifying God, building him or her up toward Christ, and maintaining the unity of the body of Christ. Before he or she is a “potential” or “the one,” he or she is a sibling in Christ.

2. Live with Above Reproach Wisdom (cf. 1 Tim. 3:1)

I like the phrase and new ministry Ken Sande has developed: relational wisdom. God has provided instruction for how to live wisely with others, which will be developed in the following practices. Also, God has provided instruction for how to live wisely for His glory, as His representative before others. Are you interacting with the opposite gender in a manner befitting a servant of Christ? Live your life (and your friendships) in such a manner that would not taint Christ. Can someone bring a reasonable charge against you because of some clearly inappropriate conduct and interaction with the opposite gender? Are you known as a one-woman (or one-man) person? Better yet, are you known as a servant of God that lives as a witness for God in your relationships with the opposite gender? Or, are you known as one who is swayed by “potential” relationships, who prioritizes getting married in such a manner that neglects treating others as siblings in Christ with all purity? How are you representing Christ’s life, death, and resurrection in your relationships, and not how great of a potential spouse you can be?

3. Understand and Honor Other Relationships – Parents and Spouse

First, understand the role, authority, and influence of parents. Parents are called to shepherd and train their children while they are in their family (cf. Deut. 6:7ff; 11:19; Prov. 22:6; Eph. 6:1-4; Gen. 2:24). They provide protection, counsel, provision, and instruction. This is not to say that parents are never wrong or can do no wrong. Rather, how are you glorifying God by honoring the roles of parents God has ordained? Your friendship with the opposite gender should not be a source of obstacle or division between that person and his or her parents. Your friendship should not be inciting disobedience to parents. Perhaps a parent is not comfortable with the frequency or circumstances you are interacting with his or her child; or, a parent has prohibited your friend from getting a tattoo or going to a hangout. It would be inappropriate to intentionally or maliciously go against the desires of the parent, or encourage rebelling against the parent. How might you help your friend honor and incarnate Christ’s love and glory to his or her parent? (As an extension to dating relationships, what are you expecting to gain by pursuing a relationship opposed by parents? How will you actively glorify God and be faithful to His Word in such a circumstance? This is not to say that there are no situations to oppose parents, but this is not the biblical norm.)

Second, seek to honor and preserve the other person for his or her spouse. Do not defraud your brother or sister for the spouse that God may have ordained for them, which may not be you! Do not steal what would only belong to their future spouse. For example, husbands are called to live with their wives in an understanding manner (1 Pet. 3:7). You as a sibling in Christ should not seek to intimately understand the opposite gender. That sort of intimacy is reserved for his or her spouse. Similarly, you cannot appropriately seek in a friend of the opposite gender what is reserved from your spouse (i.e. physical intimacy).

When one seeks to honor these other gender-specific relationships, it will become clear how to appropriately friend the opposite gender.

4. Fulfill Biblical Men’s and Women’s Roles

Much literature has been written on biblical men’s and women’s roles. My purpose here is not to expound the roles God has ordained from Scripture. Rather, my goal is to briefly relate these biblical principles to the discussion of friendship between men and women. Faithfulness in one area of life may produce faithfulness in other areas of life. How are you seeking to fulfill or be faithful to the calling God has ordained for men and women respectively? For example, God has called men to leadership and headship (cf. 1 Tim. 3:1-7; 2 Tim. 2:2; Titus 2:2); God has called women to submissiveness and discipleship of other women (cf. 1 Tim. 2:9-15; Titus 2:3-5). This may help you prioritize the extent of what you can do in your friendships, particularly with the opposite gender.

5. Confront Personal Sins

Mortify the sins of your own heart. As mentioned at the beginning of this article, sin has distorted relationships. Sin has corrupted the notion that men and women can be friends for God’s glory. By the power of the Holy Spirit, God redeems and sanctifies these relationships. Still, the personal sins of one’s own heart often manifest in sin against others (cf. Mark 7:21-23; 2 Sam. 11). Seek to vehemently confront impure lust, lack of self-control, pride, and the idols of beauty, comfort, and attention. The personal pursuit of holiness will overflow into all other aspects of life.

6. Devote to “One-Anothering” Wisely

While there is discernment in how to appropriately develop a friendship with the opposite gender, it does not negate the necessity to carry out the one another commands with the opposite gender. Consider in your own conscience before God how you will seek to be faithful to His Word in this endeavor. As mentioned earlier, you cannot be exclusive to one gender in the fulfillment of these commands. Here is a brief list (the context of many of the following texts has in view both men and women):

• Be devoted to one another (Rom. 12:10)
• Build up one another (Rom. 14:19)
• Accept one another (Rom. 15:7)
• Admonish one another (Rom. 15:14)
• Rather be wrong be one another (1 Cor. 6:7)
• Have the same care for one another (1 Cor. 12:25)
• Do not challenge or envy one another (Gal. 5:26)
• Speak the truth with one another (Eph. 4:25)
• Be kind, tender-hearted toward one another (Eph. 4:32)
• Consider others more important (Phil. 2:3)
• Bear with one another (Col. 3:13)
• Live in peace with one another (1 Thess. 5:13)
• Be hospitable to one another (1 Pet. 4:9)

Conclusion

Ultimately, there is no dividing wall between men and women that prohibits biblical, genuine, deep friendships. It is required, and can be pursued appropriately, wisely, and in a Christ-honoring manner.

Aside: Boundaries, Guarding One’s Heart, and Separation

I would like to briefly comment on boundaries in friendships with the opposite gender. I am addressing unbiblical reasons for establishing various boundaries; I am not addressing the boundaries themselves. In other words, if a person establishes the boundary of not meeting up with opposite gender privately, I am focusing on whether or not the reasons are biblical; one may consider biblical principles and still arrive at the same conclusion. Also, one must keep in mind of how to lovingly friend a fellow believer who may have different convictions on boundaries or even unbiblical reasons (i.e. the weaker brother situation; cf. Rom. 14:1-15:2).

There is necessity for discernment and wisdom in developing appropriate friendships with the opposite gender. However, much of what is described as boundaries among genuine believers revolve around comfort and fears. In other words, some establish boundaries based on what they are comfortable with or what they are afraid of. For example, one person may not be comfortable with meeting someone of the opposite gender for lunch. There may be a litany of reasons for why such is case, and many are unbiblical. Some unbiblical reasons include the following: many do not want to develop affections for that person (i.e. not romantically interested, which is not viewing that person as a sibling in Christ), or they do not interact with the opposite gender in that way and do not want to be impartial toward one person (which is a misinterpretation of James 2:1, and begs the question as to how they are actively fulfilling the one another commands and upholding the unity of the body of Christ). I would argue that these are unbiblical reasons because they ignore friending for God’s glory. For another example, one person may be afraid of being hurt (e.g. attraction is developed but nothing is pursued), and concludes to not develop friendships with the opposite gender. I would argue that boundaries are for the purpose of clearly drawing the line before sin, provide helping guides to actively honor God and His Word, and direct one to being faithful in doing good. For example, a boundary in how one interacts with the opposite gender could help a person remember how to honor other relationships, be wise, and represent Christ well. Boundaries can be helpful, but I encourage you to consider them biblically, and to remember that they may be conscience issues, which cannot be imposed on others as the biblical or “right” standard.

Related to boundaries, many talk about guarding hearts in friendships. A person’s interaction with the opposite gender may be driven by a personal conclusion on what it means to guard his or her own heart, or the heart of another. I am addressing the notion of guarding the heart. First, you are not responsible for another person’s heart. Second, you will be judged by God according to your own heart (cf. Jer. 17:10). God judges sin. Thus, like boundaries, guarding one’s heart revolves around sin issues. A person may set up relational boundaries in order to guard one’s own heart due to sin issues; yet that does not excuse the person from totally neglecting a gender. Deal with your sins! Put off sin, be renewed in your mind, and put on godliness (cf. Eph. 4:22-24)! Perhaps many get this idea from passages like Proverbs 4:23. Indeed, examine and confront your own heart. While seeking to be faithful to God, trust Him to guard your heart in Christ (cf. Phil. 4:7).

Lastly, I believe Scripture does permit separation between persons. I mentioned this in the aside of the article “Radical Friendship” as well. As there are circumstances in which God permits divorce due to fallen creation (Matt. 5:32; 19:9; 1 Cor, 7:10-16), so there are times where a fully reconciled relationship with another believer may not be presently secured. For example, after a broken dating relationship, are the man and woman supposed to still be friends? Are they called to be a witness of and for God’s glory to one another? Yes. As argued in the aforementioned article, all believers are called to be a friend to others. Yet circumstances may bring distance or lack of opportunity to be an involved friend to the other person. I also recognize that there situations that call for some extent of separation (cf. Prov. 5:1-7:27; 1 Cor. 7:5). However, it is still clear that the norm is not to cut someone out of your life because you have been hurt or wronged. Prayerfully consider how God’s glory is at stake in your friendships with others.

by Josh Liu

Introduction

Relationships permeate throughout Scripture. A passing glance notes the following relationship pairs: king-servant, commander-soldier, master-slave, friend-enemy, parent-child, brother-sister, leader-follower, and so on.

One also sees friendships saturate Scripture. Friendships are indeed complicated in a fallen world. I was personally introduced to the concept of “frenemies” recently (acting friendly toward a person but inwardly considering him as an enemy with ill intentions). Also, the development and expansion of social media has impacted relationships and friendships (“friend” can now be used as a verb: to friend, friending, unfriend). Friendships are a significant part of childhood, adolescence, and life. What does the Bible teach about friendships? Do friendships differ between Christians and non-Christians?

Consider one blogger’s thoughts: “Think about a friend. When you met them, what was your basis for conversation? Did you meet and connect with them because you both had a radical love for Jesus Christ in common, and that you both love reading Scripture and loved to sharpen one another? Or is the basis of your relationship talking about sports and movies? Not to say talking about such things is worldly, but if it is your foundation, you have a worldly relationship. Do not even the pagans have such friends for the same reasons? Why do you think a Christian relationship is different from the world? If two people are Christians, come together by reason of everything but Christ, how does that make their relationship any different from two people who aren’t saved?” (Garry Andreano, Biblical Muse, “Friendship: Godly vs. Worldly,” June 29, 2012 – Note: I do not agree with this author’s doctrinal positions, beliefs, and Scriptural interpretations as reflected in his About page; yet his probing questions are helpful.)

Friendship in the Bible

There is no concise definition of friendship in Scripture. Rather, the Bible presents a wide range of relationships with the label “friend”: friend, neighbor, acquaintance, relative, stranger, intimate partner, enemy, companion, associate.

• There are varying descriptions of friendship: the intimacy of friendship (cf. Deut. 13:6; Ps. 41:9), cordiality (cf. Ruth 4:1), loyalty (cf. 2 Sam. 16:16-17), companionship (Ps. 55:13; 88:18), and a neighbor (cf. Ps. 7:4; 15:3).
• Scripture speaks of friendship between God and man: Moses (Ex. 33:11), Abraham (2 Chron. 20:7; Is. 41:8), believers (cf. John 15:15). Scripture illustrates friendships between men: David and Jonathan (1 Sam. 18:1ff), Job and his friends (Job 2:11-13), Jesus and sinners (Matt. 11:19), Jesus and Judas (Matt. 26:50), loyalty to Caesar (John 19:12), and in the parables (Matt. 20:13; Luke 11:5ff; 14:10).
• The Book of Proverbs provides a rich study on friendship (Prov. 17:17; 18:24; 19:4-6; 27:6, 9, 10).

Working Definitions

From a broad study on friendship in Scripture, I have formulated the following personal tentative definitions. (See also Cesar’s adapted definition mentioned in his post, quoting from the book, The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship).

• A worldly friendship is a relationship that serves a personal “need” (desire) or expectation.
• A biblical friendship is a relationship that gives opportunity to live as a witness of and for God’s glory.

I want to clarify that when I address friendship hereafter, I am referring to a relationship between individuals (to whatever extent) and the act of Christ-like friendliness toward another. In other words, I will use friendship in the sense of relationship and befriending. I recognize some difference between intimacy and relationship. However, I believe some make an inappropriate use of intimacy to determine friendship. For example, one may have a “friend” that others may consider a peer or acquaintance. People create a gradation of intimacy for a spectrum of friendships (e.g. from least intimate to most intimate: a familiarity (“know of”), peer, acquaintance, friend, best friend). I am not addressing friendship in the following with this subjective sense of intimacy. In other words, I do not think “I don’t really know him, so we aren’t friends” is an appropriate evaluation of a friendship.

Ultimately, a biblical friendship is always possible, while recognizing that simply because two individuals are Christians does not result in the activity of friendship. Also, Christians can have a worldly friendship. May the following study exhort and challenge you to honor God with your relationships.

Three Distinctives of a Biblical Friendship

This is most certainly not an exhaustive list, but a primer into a study considering Christian (biblical) relationships.

1. A biblical friendship has at its foundation Christ

Perhaps one of the most common descriptions I hear concerning friendships in general is commonality–shared interests, experiences, direction/goal, philosophies, circumstances, history, etc. There is nothing wrong with this, but consider what was challenged in the introduction: what sets your friendships apart from the world?

Commonality is indeed important (of which my purpose for this article would prevent me from expounding). So then, let us consider how Christ is the ultimate point of convergence for believers.

A biblical friendship, a friendship between true followers of Christ, is founded upon Christ. This foundation of Christ establishes the greatest and most comprehensive commonalities. In other words, believers share a number of aspects that are of eternal value through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. An implication of this is that believers cannot appropriately conclude to not share a friendship with each other based on a lack of commonality (e.g. “We go to the same church, but we aren’t friends. We don’t have the same interests” etc.). I believe that because of the surpassing worth and work of Christ, believers have the most in common; any two genuine believers can be intimate friends.

Here are ten commonalities between believers:

1 – Believers share a common experience

Every genuine believer shares a common conversion experience. For all have sinned and are condemned to death (Rom. 3:23; 6:23; Ezek. 18:4b); there is no one righteous (Rom. 3:10); every person is sinful from birth (Ps. 51:5); every person’s heart is filled with evil (Gen. 6:5); every person’s heart is terminally, spiritually ill, which perpetually blinds them to their sinful condition (Jer. 17:9); every person faces God’s righteous wrath (Rom. 1:18ff); sin has tainted everything every person does (Is. 64:6; Mark 7:21-23; James 1:13-15); every person is commanded to repent and turn to Christ in faith (Matt. 4:17; John 3:14-15); every person who believes in Christ will be saved (John 3:16; Acts 4:12). These shared truths among believers continue on, some of which will be expanded in the following similarities.

The greatest, most significant experience in a believer’s life is the conviction of his unrighteousness before the holiness of God, sorrow that leads to repentance, and new life in Christ; it is the passing from spiritual death unto spiritual life with Christ. How great it is for another soul to experience the same overwhelming forgiveness and love of the Lord!

Bonds and friendships are formed on lesser experiences (e.g. academic or work related experiences, ethnic or race related experiences, upbringing, athletic conditioning, disasters and trials in life, mistakes or accidents, addictions, etc.). I am not at all trivializing or dismissing all other experiences. I consider these experiences as lesser experiences in the sense that they are transitory, often dependent on physical circumstances, not of eternal value, and devoid of Christ and His Word. I recognize that God uses these experiences in transforming a soul; hence, the unique details of a believer’s testimony of God’s saving work in his life that sets his testimony apart from another’s. Yet every genuine believer’s testimony resonates with the same truth, for God saves every sinner in the same way–by grace through faith in Jesus Christ (Eph. 2:1-10; Titus 3:3-7).

Christ establishes the greatest common experience between redeemed sinners, such that believers can come together intimately. This truth paves the way for the following commonalities, which will receive briefer attention.

2 – Believers share a common victory

Every genuine believer shares a common victory over sin and death through Christ’s resurrection. The Christian life is not a battle between the forces of sin and the Holy Spirit within the believer’s heart (in the sense of a continuous teeter tottering from falling in and out of favor with God). Rather, because Christ physically rose from the dead after three days, He conquered sin and death for those whom He redeems (1 Cor. 15:50-58). The war is won; none can oppose God and condemn God’s elect (Rom. 8:28-39)! While the struggle with indwelling sin is real, Christ has provided the strength to overcome (cf. Rom. 6:17-18; 8:13; 1 Cor. 10:13; 1 John 2:14; 4:4; 5:4-5; Rev. 21:4, 7). Every believer can shout the words of one song, “The enemy has been defeated; death couldn’t hold You down; we’re going to lift our voice in victory; we’re going to make Your praises loud!”

3 – Believers share a common authority

Every genuine believer shares the same divine Master, and submits to the same divine Word. This differs from other religions that exalt human religious figures or rites (e.g. saints and penance, Muhammad, etc.). God has demanded full devotion, full surrender, full submission to Him (Matt. 6:24; Rom. 12:1; Luke 9:23). Also, God’s Word is the final authority (2 Tim. 3:16-17; Heb. 4:12; 2 Pet. 1:19; John 15:7). There is no confusion as to who believers submit to–God and His Word. There are no human allegiances (1 Cor. 1:12-13); no special secret revelation contrary to or added to God’s completed Word (cf. Gal. 1:8; Rev. 22:18-19); no room for competing masters (Rom. 6:16-18; cf. 1 Kings 18:21). All believers serve and worship one King, and all obey His Word.

4 – Believers share a common pursuit

Every genuine believer is called to pursue Christ (Phil. 3:7-14; Matt. 22:37) and to love one another (Matt. 22:39). These two life commitments are fulfilled in a myriad of ways. For example, all believers are called to make disciples of Christ throughout the nations (Matt. 28:18-20), to preserve unity of the body of Christ (Eph. 4:1ff), and to faithfully carry out God’s Will.

All believers seek to accomplish (pursue) God’s Will (adapted from John MacArthur’s article, “What is the will of God for my life?”):

That you be saved (cf. 1 Tim. 2:4; 2 Pet. 3:9; John 4:60).

That you be Spirit-filled (cf. Eph. 5:18; Col. 3:16).

That you be sanctified (1 Thess. 4:3; cf. 1 Cor. 6:17; 9:27; 1 Pet. 4:2).

That you submit to God (James 4:7), to one another (Eph. 5:21), to your spouse (Eph. 5:22, 28), to your church leaders (Heb. 13:7, 17), to the government (1 Pet. 2:13, 15).

That you suffer (1 Pet. 4:19; 5:10).

That you say thanks (1 Thess. 5:18).

5 – Believers share a common goal

Every genuine believer shares the common goal of being with Christ in glory (John 17:24; cf. 2 Cor. 3:18). All believers are called to persevere until Christ’s return, to be faithful in the present, and to one day hear, “well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master” (Matt. 25:21).

6 – Believers share a common conduct

Every genuine believer shares the conduct befitting the gospel of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:27). Every believer is called to follow the example and conduct of Christ (cf. John 13:14-15; 1 Pet. 2:21; Phil 2:5).

7 – Believers share a common family

Every genuine believer shares God the Father as his or her own heavenly Father (John 1:12; Rom. 8:15-16; 1 John 5:1-3). Believers are spiritually and eternally enjoined to the family of God (cf. Eph. 2:19; 1 Tim. 5:1-2).

8 – Believers share common desires

Every genuine believer no longer lives for his or her own personal (selfish) desires, but shares the desires of God (cf. Gal. 2:20; 2 Cor. 5:14-15).

9 – Believers share a common sacrifice and suffering

Every genuine believer shares the same sacrifice of self for Christ (Matt. 10:38-39), and persecution on the account of Christ (Matt. 5:10-12; 1 Pet. 4:12-16).

10 – Believers share a common hope and encouragement

Every genuine believer shares the same hope of Christ’s return (1 Thess. 4:16-17; Titus 2:13; Phil. 3:20; Heb. 9:28; Rev. 22:20; cf. Gal. 5:5). Every believer receives encouragement from God’s character and conduct (cf. 2 Cor. 12:9).

Christ as the foundation produces the greatest commonalities (i.e. the greatest experience, greatest victory, greatest authority, and so on).

While this list is also not exhaustive, what more do you demand for a friendship before demonstrating the friendship–the shared aspects of eternal, surpassing value–that Christ has established between His followers?

2. A biblical friendship forms a true and lasting bond

The foundation of Christ is truly of greatest significance. The following distinctives of a biblical friendship help to further explore its implications, yet as such will receive briefer attention.

The biblical friendship holds true, eternal, and intimate unity (cf. Rom. 12:3ff; Eph. 4:1ff). It is held together by God the Father, God the Son (Eph. 1:22-23), and God the Holy Spirit (Rom. 8:16). Friendship with God (being reconciled to God) provides the way for true friendship with one another (true reconciliation with one another). For example, believers are to forgive one another as God forgave (Col. 3:13). Any rebellious attempts to create conflict and division between God’s people ultimately attack the character of God (cf. 1 Cor. 1:13). There is a special regard for those within the family of God (Gal. 6:10).

The biblical friendship is characterized by deep intimacy. Since Christ is the foundation and every believer submits to the Word of God, believers are able to understand and address deep heart issues together. Unbelievers cannot understand nor appropriately guide a believer to knowing and loving Christ more, particularly by putting off sin. The communion and fellowship believers share through Christ involves real profound intimacy, unmatched by any other relationship.

This unity and intimacy is eternal and pervades every area of life. The biblical friendship is not relegated to merely within the church building or Sunday mornings. It is two lives being lived together for Christ. The absence of such unity and intimacy in a believer’s life may be an indication of unfaithfulness, immature understanding, or misapplication of Scripture (i.e. the “one another” commands given to the local church). How are you pursuing and developing these friendships bonded through Christ? How are you sharpening another (Prov. 27:17) or considering others’ interests before your own (Phil. 2:3-4)?

3. A biblical view of friendship leads to “faithful friending”

Consider this scenario: Would you be Adolf Hitler’s friend? Why or why not?

Every genuine believer is called to impartially befriend others–to incarnate the love and truth of Christ. Remember, the biblical friendship is a relationship that gives opportunity to live as a witness of and for God’s glory. In other words, justifying an attitude of retaliation, harboring an offense, desiring ill upon another, opposing a friendship, or refusing to extend the love of Christ to another is a distorting of passages like “an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth” (cf. Ex. 21:24) or desiring the destruction of another (cf. Ps. 58; 69; 109; 137). Christ’s commands and conduct sets forth this “faithful friending.”

The genuine believer can faithfully friend anyone. For example, Jesus Christ demonstrated the all-encompassing command to love God and neighbor through the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). Even those considered enemies, Christ taught His disciples to love them and pray for those who persecute them (Matt. 5:43-44). While not condoning sin, Jesus pursued and welcomed sinners (Matt. 9:11-13; John 8:3-11; cf. Rom. 12:16).

Faithful friending involves sacrifice. It will require the denial of self to serve the needs of others (cf. Phil. 2:3-4; Matt. 5:38-42). For example, Paul sent Epaphroditus to the church in Philippi because Epaphroditus was distressed about the church’s concern for him as he exhausted himself in ministry for their sake (Phil. 2:25-30). James taught that genuine faith evidences itself outwardly in the care for others (James 1:27; 2:14-17; 5:1-6).

Faithful friending is active. In other words, reaching out to others to be a witness of and for God’s glory is not contingent on convenience or opportunistic circumstances. Believers are called to actively minister to others in the means that God has provided (cf. Matt. 5:16; 25:31-40; Eph. 2:10; Titus 2:14; Gal. 6:1-2).

Conclusion

How do Christian friendships differ from non-Christian friendships? Ultimately, Christ makes all the difference. Christ is the foundation of biblical friendships (and results in a litany of commonalities between His elect); Christ brings about true, lasting bonds between believers; and Christ commissions His followers to faithfully friend others for the glory of God.

Evaluate your friendships. Are they worldly or biblical? Are they self-serving or Christ-centered? Are they purposed for worldly, selfish gain or for the glory of God? Are they developed, deepened, and maintained through subjective, unbiblical means or according to Christ as revealed in His Word? Do you have radical–biblical–friendships?

Aside: Separation

While there are many questions not addressed above, I would like to briefly comment on the issue of separation here.

Similar to the issue of divorce and remarriage (cf. Matt. 5:32; 19:9), there are biblically permissible situations where separation from another (physically or relationally) is acceptable; but it is not the norm or the desired result. Many seek to justify separation with unbiblical reasons. Some argue that there are natural obstacles to a friendship with a particular individual (e.g. “we just don’t get along”), and thus justify no friendship or friending toward that person. Are you called to be a friend toward everyone? Ultimately, yes. If God removed the largest obstacle between you and Him (i.e. sin), what obstacle is truly justified in opposing a friendship with another believer?

At the same time, there is wisdom and discernment in the exercise of friendship with another person. I recognize that due to the fallen nature of creation and the depravity of man (including indwelling sin in a regenerated believer), there are real issues (e.g. unfaithful spouse, abuse, geographical distance, the refusal to reconcile by the other party, etc.). Yet, you are called to be faithful to God in the circumstances He has placed you in. Still, you cannot completely justify the refusal of a friendship with a person. Be challenged by Christ’s compassion toward Judas Iscariot (cf. John 13:1-30).

Some argue for some extent of separation between the genders. I’ll address this at greater length in the following article.

Some may be confused by passages that seem to teach severing a relationship or friendship; for example, Matthew 18:15-20, 1 Corinthians 5:1-11, and 2 Thessalonians 2:14. I do not intend on expounding each of these texts. In general, sin disrupts relationships (cf. James 4:1-2). A relationship or friending cannot continue on as if everything is well; things are not well if there remains unaddressed, unrepentant sin. Christ Himself was a friend of sinners; not a friend of sin. Also, related to this, there is a principle of radically avoiding and amputating that which tempts to sin (cf. Prov. 5:8; Matt. 5:29-30).

Some are counseled to “separate” for some time after broken relationships (e.g. post-dating relationship, conflict). In general, the relationship or friendship is not the main issue. Rather, it was the occasion for what was already in the heart to manifest itself. The removal of such opportunity for the heart to sinfully manifest itself is an attempt to allow an individual to undistractedly confront and work on heart issues. In general, the complete severance of a friendship is not encouraged.

by Cesar Vigil-Ruiz

Introduction

The world runs on the fuel of friendship. Everywhere you look, you see the effect of friendship (or lack thereof) that forms the society around us. Friendship pervades us all. And yet, one area that has been neglected in terms of instruction (whether in the church or even in school) has been that of friendship. How do we navigate this crucial aspect of daily life as Christians, as believers in Christ as Lord? How does a Christian worldview inform and transform the way we relate to one another in our pursuit of glorifying God?

How would the Bible define friendship? This has become a buzzword without the buzz, having been around since the time of Abraham, who was called a friend of God (James 2:23). Friendship, like the word “love,” has many different definitions, and many have not considered a biblical definition of friendship to guide their decision-making in who to form friendships with. One definition that caught my eye comes from the recently published book, The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship by Jonathan Holmes:

“Biblical friendship exists when two or more people, bound together by a common faith in Jesus Christ, pursue him and his kingdom with intentionality and vulnerability. Rather than serving as an end in itself, biblical friendship serves primarily to bring glory to Christ, who brought us into friendship with the Father. It is indispensable to the work of the gospel in the earth, and an essential element of what God created us for.” (p. 27)

The Scriptures have much to say concerning friendship, especially in Proverbs. However, before pursuing the biblical data, a prior question (temporally and logically) must be asked: who created and modeled friendship for us to follow? You would not be surprised to know that the answer to the first act is God, but would you have considered God to be a model of friendship?

The Divine Society

Within the Christian worldview, God has revealed Himself as being the only God that exists, and yet has also revealed that within the Godhead are three persons–Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The doctrine of the Trinity teaches that within the One Being, that is God, there exists three coequal and coeternal Persons. Each is fully God, and yet each is not the other. The Being has to do with the essence of what God is, while the Person has to do with who God is in His personality. For examples, within the human race, all are human beings, yet the differentiation comes in their personhood. Each man, woman, and child is a human being, yet they also possess personhood–emotions, will, and the ability to express themselves. A rock has being, yet does not possess personality. The uniqueness of God comes from Him not only eternally existing, but also being “Trinity,” from eternity to eternity.

If God has always existed as Triune, then the implication is that He has always been in relationship within Himself. The Father has always loved and continues to love the Son, the Son to the Father, and the Holy Spirit to both the Father and the Son. If everything Jesus did on earth was to glorify the Father (cf. John 17), then this has implications for how He lived His life, and the focus of our friendships should reflect that reality.

Why focus on the Trinity in discussing friendship? Well, consider the alternative. Without God as Triune, friendship or relationships would not reflect God’s unchanging character, especially if He had to create the world in order to enter into relationship with His creation. Yet, given that God has expressed His true nature to His people, we can image God precisely in the realm of friendships. I would venture to say that without God being trinitarian, there would be no foundation for anything, let alone friendship, to exist. Also, seeing God as eternally Triune gives us reason to be in awe of Him that much more. There has never been a conflict among the Persons; jealousy has never entered their minds, and there has never existed pride within the heart of God. Yet their diverse roles are less like competing band members on stage who want to show off their talents, and more like a symphony where the group harmonizes their talents together to create a beautiful masterpiece.

In seeing the relationships that existed within the Trinity, you see an intricate tapestry of love and intentionality displayed within the pages of Scripture. Three applications of biblical friendship (and these most certainly are not the only ones!) that flow out from the truth of the reality of the Trinity are:

1. Learn from the Father’s wise, caring, and good exercise of authority.

In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians (particularly 1:3-12), he opens with the beautiful preface that opens our eyes to the working power and purposes of God. Paul calls the Ephesian believers to bless God the Father, and yet continually, the spiritual blessings we receive as His children come by way of His unique Son, Jesus Christ. Christ is also the One who reveals the Father’s glory (John 1:14), which pleases the Father, and yet Christ takes joy in doing so. Notice that the Father does not try to accomplish His plan apart from the involvement and work of His Son. He intricately designed His plan of redemption with Christ as the center, and He does it in love, not out of rivalry or with a begrudging heart.

In our friendships, who determines the agenda of your conversation? Though you may become friends with those who work under you, or of whom you are the head of a school project, how can you image God’s character in your interaction with your friends? If you have more knowledge or possess a particular skill, is your first response to show off what you know or can do to others, or is it with an others-minded focus on serving your friends to grow deeper in love to Christ and His Word?

2. Learn from Jesus’ eternal submission to His Father, done in joyful love.

In recognition of the fact that Jesus identifies Himself as God (John 8:23), He recognizes immediately after the authority of His Father and His role in doing only what the Father commands Him (John 8:28-29). This is proper submission, done in love and loyalty to His Father. He even tells His disciples, “I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father” (John 14:31).

How would your friendships look like if your common goal was to not only spur one another to submit to whatever authority you fall under (parents, boss, government), but also seek to ultimately live in the same way as Christ did, by loving obedience to the Father as acts of love. If your friend encouraged you to pursue God in the way that He’s gifted you, or confronts you when you willingly seek to sin against God, would you value that friendship more or less? Can you model Christ’s deep commitment to the Father in your striving toward greater obedience of His Word?

3. Learn from the Holy Spirit’s “behind-the-scenes” role in relating to the Father and the Son.

When Jesus was giving final instructions to His disciples before His death, He promised the Holy Spirit would come to guide them to the truth…concerning Himself. He will only declare to them what He has heard, and will glorify Christ (John 16:12-14). Indeed, the Spirit will bear witness not of Himself, but of Christ (John 15:26). One of His roles was to author the Scriptures (2 Timothy 3:16-17). And yet, if we were to ask who the central figure of the Scripture is, wouldn’t it be logical to answer the Holy Spirit? But that isn’t what we see. Jesus is the central character, of whom it was said already that the Spirit would testify of. He is fully God, yet fully behind-the-scenes. His role has never been to be front and center.

With respect to your friendships, what role do you typically play? Are you usually the one who likes to make decisions about where to eat, or even what to talk about? Who or what is the main theme of your conversations? Who would get more attention in your friendships: God, or you?

The Holy Spirit did not speak of Himself, and was assigned the role to speak only of what He heard from another, and the topic was that of Christ’s teachings. Why are we so willing to give our two cents about many issues, yet ignore the fact that the Holy Spirit never gives one cent of His own?

Conclusion

The temptation, while growing up in church, has been to do good things because we have been told to do good things. Many have been raised to be nice because that’s what Christians do. Yet understanding friendship in light of the Trinity radically shifts our focus from being good (when we can’t) to reflecting the Good of the Triune God and His relationship within Himself. We all have the opportunity to image our Creator, Savior, and Helper. The Gospel is at stake with respect to our friendships. Will we purpose to glorify God in our friendships, or will we join the world and ignore the God who created friendships to reflect Him?

by Jonathan Yang

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”
(John 15:12-15)

Let us consider this scene in John 15. The disciples recovered from a brief moment of surprise as Christ addressed them as his “friends.” While others viewed the Son of God as a means for food, healing, or earthly glory, Jesus’ disciples recognized Him for who He was — their Teacher, Lord and Master, the Holy One of God — and they submitted to Him as His disciples.

Christ made it clear to them and to those that are His disciples today, that even though He is high above them as the rightful object of their worship and obedience, He is near to them. With loving affection, He called them His friends: those that He desired fellowship with, whom He loved, cared for, and held closely to Himself.

This was near the very end of Jesus’ earthly ministry before He was to be betrayed and crucified. After compassionately washing His disciples’ feet, He gathered them for their last supper for Passover as Judas Iscariot left to betray Jesus. Now Jesus began to give His disciples His last and final exhortations. His heart weighed heavily knowing that He would soon depart from them to face the weight of the righteous, crushing wrath of God in place of sinners. With this, the Lord lovingly instructed His disciples of the friendship He extended to them. This same friendship with the Lord is given to His disciples today.

As we consider Christ’s parting instructions in John 15:12-15, we will learn four lessons on friendship with God. We will see that God has clearly laid out the terms and means of His divine friendship with His followers.

1. Friendship with God is characterized by a love for the redeemed (vv. 12, 17)

Jesus begins and ends His instruction about divine friendship with a command that believers must love one another as He has loved them. Christ had called His disciples, patiently taught them, and loved them to the end as He stooped down to wash their feet and would soon lay down His life for them. Christ then commanded them (those who are called friends of God) to love one another.

Christ gave us in Himself the standard and example for how we are to love each other, and we demonstrate that we really understand His love when we live it out with each other. Christ’s love was patient and persevering towards unworthy, once-rebellious objects. He has given those He calls friends the opportunity and command to love others in the same way.

It is easy to profess and declare our love for God, but the fruit of this knowledge is seen in how we genuinely care for and extend His love to brothers and sisters God has placed among us in the local church. Jesus’ disciples were an uncanny, ragtag collection of tax collectors, zealots, fisherman, and the like that would have been at each other’s throats in any other context. Similarly, the church consists of a diversity of personalities and characters who would probably have nothing to do with each other apart from the deeper common love and bond they share in Christ. It is through this love that a watching world recognizes that we are His disciples (cf. John 13:34-35). Friendship with God must be characterized by a love for the redeemed.

2. Friendship with God is possible because Christ laid down his life (vv. 12-13)

Our friendship with an absolutely holy God is only possible because Christ laid down His life. Apart from Him, we are only the target of God’s wrath. Far from friendship with Him, we are enemies that loved what He hated and hated what He loved. We exchanged His loving rule to worship created things and ourselves, and thus rightfully deserve condemnation from an uncompromisingly holy God (cf. Rom. 1:18ff, 6:23).

However, Christ lived the life that we could never live (Heb. 4:15) and died the death that we deserve to die, bearing God’s wrath and justice in the place of those that would trust in Him (2 Cor. 5:21). What is incredible is that in the gospel, in Christ, God not only forgives us of our sin and rebellion against Him, but also brings us into relationship with Him as His children (1 John 3:1). The sins of those who trust in Christ are covered by His righteousness, and believers are not only tolerated by God but also loved deeply by Him.

In verse 13, we see that Jesus speaks of the demonstration and provision of His love for His disciples. This love is sacrificial. We see a picture of this kind of love in a mother’s sacrificial love, as she counts her time and energy as currency well spent for the sake of her children; or, a father working long days and late nights to feed and support his family. Sacrificial love is to care for others when it is inconvenient or comes at a personal cost.

Jesus explained that the greatest love is expressed when someone lays down his life for his friends. He not only gives up convenience, comfort, and cost, but his very life for their sake. Jesus demonstrated this greatest expression of love by sacrificially dying on the cross for sinners. Those whom He calls friends are those whom He loves and lays down His life for.

In calling them “friends,” Christ was not just describing His disciples as casual acquaintances but those whom He cared for and held closely. What is astonishing about Christ’s demonstration of love and gift of friendship is that it is extended to those who were once enemies, who rebelled against, hated, and opposed Him. Jesus exhibited the highest degree of love and made friendship with God possible to undeserving rebels by sacrificing His own life for them.

3. Friendship with God manifests obedience with love and trust (v. 14)

In verse 14, Jesus defines friendship in terms of obedience. His crystal clear definition of those who are His friends is that they obey His commands. Those who love and trust God will act on His words. Out of love and worship for who He is, friends of God love what He loves and seek to hate what He hates. We strive to do this because we know that He is truly good and that His commands are for our good. Our obedience to God is not driven by a desire to earn His love or to get out of punishment, but a response to God’s love toward undeserving sinners (1 John 4:9-10).

We see examples of this loving, trusting obedience throughout Scripture. Abraham, called a friend of God (2 Chron. 20:7, Isaiah 41:8), believed in God’s promises to him (Rom. 4:1). In trust and obedience, he went out of his native country away from his relatives and set forth for the land of Canaan. Abraham’s love for and trust in God showed in his willingness to obey God (Gen. 18:17).

Christ Himself obeyed the Father because He loved the Father and sought His glory. Christ was loved by the Father, and He demonstrated His relationship of love as He obeyed and depended on the Father throughout His earthly ministry (John 15:10-11). Believers follow Christ’s example of obedience to God, not so that He will love us, but because we are loved by Him. In 1 John 2:3-6, the Apostle John explains to his readers that while genuine believers have been forgiven of sin and reconciled to God, they are not sinless. Still, they are characterized as those who strive to obey God because they love Him.

Do you view obedience to God as an opportunity to express your love for Him because He loved you first? Is obedience an act of joy because of a relationship of love, or is it a burden? Jesus clearly defines the terms of friendship with God: those who are His friends obey God because they love and trust Him.

4. Friendship with God is characterized by a different relationship (v. 15)

Historically, a servant (literally “slave”) did not have a close relationship with his master. He was told what to do and expected to do it without questioning or understanding His master’s intentions. A slave has to perform his task because he has no other choice. Conversely, a friend has a close relationship, mutual esteem, and love for the other person. The disciples were not lowly slaves who did not understand what the master was doing; but they were friends of God who responded to a reconciled relationship with the Father in love, obedience, and joy. We understand that the God we serve and live for is sovereign and good. He loves us, and we consider it a privilege to live for His glory and to accomplish His will.

In order to glorify God, we ought to make every effort to understand and apply what Christ has taught us about the Father and His will. Even in human friendships, people seek to know their friends better and do things to please them. If you are a friend of God then your relationship with him is no longer as a servant but a friend who knows and loves the Father.

Do we have this attitude towards the God who made us, saved us, and extended the opportunity of friendship to us? Do you seek to grow in your understanding of God and His will? Friendship with God is characterized by a different relationship–not merely a slave without understanding but a friend who knows and loves Him.

We see examples of giants of the faith in Scripture like Enoch, Abraham, Joshua, and King David that walked closely with God. They were friends of an almighty, righteous, and holy God, and we wonder how it is that they were able to have such an intimate relationship with their divine Creator. These people are much more like us than we may think, and through Jesus’ loving instruction we see how this divine and intimate relationship is extended to us today. Those that are friends of God love the redeemed. This friendship is possible only because Christ demonstrated and provided love as He laid down His life. It is characterized by an obedience to God that loves and trusts in Him, and by a different relationship as those who know who He is, His will, and seek to know Him more.

God is neither a “best friend” to play ball or watch movies with, nor a distant Lord who watches and rules from afar. While He is high above us and worthy of reverence and praise, He is near to us and with us. He has called us friends.

Tomorrow, Cesar Vigil-Ruiz explores implications that can be drawn from the doctrine and manifestations of the Triune Godhead. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t conclude that the Trinitarian relationship between God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit is meant to be a model for friendship. Rather, we seek to become like Christ, studying the examples that He has truly provided (cf. John 13:15; 1 Pet. 2:21; Phil. 2:5; 1 Tim. 1:16), to glorify and worship God more.

by Josh Liu

In January 2015, the Lumos youth ministry held its annual winter retreat and focused on the theme of friendship. I summarized the sessions in a previous post – please read that post first.

However, there have been numerous individuals asking for details concerning this topic. Parents, working adults, teens, and children (students, employers, rich, poor, Christian, Buddhist, etc.)–everyone is confronted with the issue of friendship. Thus, each staffer has worked to expand his or her session to describe what God’s Word has to say concerning friendship (and issues related to friendship). We pray that this series challenges, exhorts, and encourages you to biblically consider how to glorify God in your friendships (cf. 1 Cor. 10:31).

Let us begin by exposing our presuppositions and evaluating our current friendships. Take time to consider the following probing questions:

1. What makes a friend?
2. What qualities make a good friend?
3. Why are you friends with your current friends? Do you spend time with people you don’t consider as your friends? Why or why not?
4. Do you have a best friend? What is one word that describes your best friend?
5. What makes a friend a best friend?
6. Why do friends drift apart or friendships change?
7. What is the biggest problem in friendships?
8. Do you have friends of the opposite gender? Do you have a best friend of the opposite gender? Do you have a preference as to having male or female friends?
9. Can boys and girls be friends? Explain.
10. Do you consider yourself a good friend? Explain.
11. How is God involved in your friendships? Do you believe that all your friendships honor and exalt God?
12. How does God’s Word specifically guide you in your friendships?

Tomorrow, Jonathan Yang (from LBCLA) lays the foundation of our examination by describing the necessity of being made friends with God. Naturally, sinful man is opposed to God and operates as an enemy of God, dishonoring and disobeying Him. God graciously draws near to the sinner and, through Christ’s incarnation, righteous life, substitutionary death, and sin-conquering bodily resurrection, reconciles man to Himself and bestows on him the position of a friend. If you remain an enemy of God, nothing else matters! You cannot have God-honoring and filling friendships with others if you do not have friendship with God. You must repent of your sins and turn to Christ believing that His death and resurrection can save you from God’s righteous wrath against your sins.

“The friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.” (Psalm 25:14)

“The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (Proverbs 20:5)

by Josh Liu

One of my biblical counseling professors has often exhorted his students that we not only need to faithfully exegete the Word of God, but we must also exegete people. In other words, we need to seek to know the people we minister to. Biblical wisdom must be applied appropriately and with discernment. Paul David Tripp touches on this principle.

To briefly review, I have been summarizing and expanding each chapter of Paul Tripp’s Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. Tripp has divided his book into three parts: (1) Clearing the Debris; (2) Setting Godly Goals; and (3) Practical Strategies for Parenting Teens. In Part One, Tripp confronted the secular and skewed attitude toward parenting. He sought to reclaim parenting to the glorious purpose of fulfilling God’s divine appointment of shepherding another soul through life, in and against the culture’s attitude of merely surviving those teen years. He challenged readers (parents) to examine idols (unbiblical, worldly, selfish expectations and goals) within their hearts for their children. He then examined “family” according to the Scripture, summarizing biblical anthropology and family community. This present chapter, Chapter Five: “Parents, Meet Your Teenager,” which concludes Part One (Clearing the Debris), highlights important reminders to keep when pursuing opportunities with teens. This can ultimately be expanded to seeking to know anyone you would counsel, witness to, and disciple.

Tripp begins by stating, “Effective parents of teenagers are people who are able to remember what it was like to live in the scary world of the teen years…. If parents fail to remember moments like this, if we fail to recognize how huge these events are to our teenagers, we will fail to take them seriously.” In other words, parents who trivialize teens’ struggles miss opportunities to shepherd their children toward Christ. Here are things to keep in mind when ministering to teens (or another person in general):

• Deal with your own heart first (cf. Matt. 7:3-5)
• Speak in the right place at the right time
• Consider how you make biblical wisdom and correction appealing and desirable in your responses
• Remember that counseling is not beating someone over the head with the “right answers”
• Seek to come with honest questions, not accusations
• Be ready to humbly and graciously respond to defensiveness or blame shifting
• Patiently pursue when they distance themselves
• Wisely engage; do not be characterized exclusively as a lecturer
• Prayerfully trust in God to work in hearts

Tripp highlights common tendencies of teens for parents to remember and be sensitive to when ministering to their children, which, again, may be expanded to others in general:

• A tendency toward legalism: Many reduce godly living to a set of do’s and don’ts. You need to communicate what it means to have a heart for God and for doing what is right.
• A tendency to be unwise in their choice of companions: Do not resort to gossip and slander, but help them examine what biblical friendship is and looks like.
• A susceptibility to sexual temptation: Tripp suggests teaching your children early and keeping the topic of relationships, intimacy, and temptation open.
• An absence of eschatological presence: Many, particularly teens, live for the present moment (e.g. Y.O.L.O.). Challenge their pursuit of temporal (and vain) happiness, and direct them to eternal investments.
• A lack of heart awareness: Help them expose spiritual blind spots to their own heart motivations, desires, expectations, thoughts, and feelings by asking heart-probing questions. Help them see what they truly value, and how that is impacting their choices.

The teenage years truly is an age of opportunity when one humbles himself before God, girds himself with Scripture, and faithfully shepherds his teenage children. It may be an overwhelming or daunting task, but these general principles and reminders may encourage you to prayerfully and powerfully bring the Word of God to every moment in life. As you seek to minister to others, draw out the heart with the Word of God.

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12)